Quote from Forum Archives on December 6, 2005, 3:47 pm

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"A Kitten's Twelve Days of Christmas Mischief"

 

       

On the first day of Christmas,
my kitten ruined for me...
A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab
the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara
climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture
and, suddenly off- balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six
cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of butter.... Of course,
it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out
the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.

 

On the second day of Christmas,
my kitten accompanied me...
On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has
feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28.00 for the office visit,
$36.00 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55.00 X-rays in case
Sara had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a
lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3' curly tail in slightly
less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.

 

On the third day of Christmas,
my kitten wrecked for me...
13 ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to chain
the decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving the room to
go to the bathroom while Sara feigned sleeping under the tree. How was
I to know she was actually measuring its climbing potential? Value of
broken bulbs? $7.50 plus tax.

 

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my kitten broke for me...
A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a
head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99.

 

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my kitten scratched for me...
The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an accident.
She merely wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, she
used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a
jacket to replace the boy's blood stained one and a hefty donation to
the charity of their choice. Although the amount must remain secret
according to our settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many
soldiers for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major
Windfall!

 

On the sixth day of Christmas,
my kitten opened for me...
The presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really. While
doing some early shopping at a discount store, I purchased a catnip
mouse for Sara's stocking. Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip
takes on its potent aroma for a very long time. Replacement costs:
$3.99 for another roll of Christmas wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty
boxes, $1 each for the kind of bows Sara can't unravel.

 

On the seventh day of Christmas,
my kitten lost for me...
The earrings I bought for my sister, Mary. Actually, it was one earring
but since Mary doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of
matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus
tax.

 

On the eighth day of Christmas,
my kitten helped me...
Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit
into the itty-bitty hole in the center of my Yamaha guitar? Neither
could I, but Sara thought so. And she succeeded once she got those
rascally strings out of the way. Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't
get out the way I came in. After paying through the whiskers for her
previous escapades, I would have been willing to leave her in the guitar
for the duration of the holiday season, except that she chose to get
stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our annual
Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95; jar of
petroleum jelly: 79¢.

 

On the ninth day of Christmas,
my kitten destroyed for me...
My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's delete key.
Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help line: $17.50. And I still
don't know what happened to the listings of B through H.

 

On the tenth day of Christmas,
my kitten hid from me...
The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a disaster
if she hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed a week's worth
of Christmas specials, including my all-time favorite, "It's a
Wonderful Life." Rental of "It's a Wonderful Life": $2.00; purchase of book,
"Good owners, great cats": $24.95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the
psychological profile of kittens with kleptomania.

 

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my kitten ate for me...
The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK, OK, So this one time it was
my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now infamous words:
"Your first turkey, Sara. Want to try just a little piece?" Cost:
Christmas Dinner.

 

On the twelfth day of Christmas...
Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.

 

 

"How Can You Tell"

 

 

Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

 

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

 

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

 

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

 

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into
your crib and find out."

 

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then
quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of
minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a
little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

 

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you
tell?"

 

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink
booties and I've got blue ones."

 

"Who's Your Daddy"

 

While the family was sitting around the dinner table, Jennifer, 5, turned to her brother Andy, 3, and pointed to her dad. "That's not your real father," she said, startling the whole family. 

 

"Yes, he is!" Andy replied. 

 

"No, he's not," Jennifer insisted. "God is your heavenly father."

 

Then pointing at her dad, she said, "That's your homely father!"

 

Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara

 

   

 

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