Quote from Forum Archives on August 31, 2005, 4:37 pm

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"Church Football"

 

Did you know church can be just like football?
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

 

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship. 

 

Half-time: - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

 

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

 

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

 

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

 

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings. 

 

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

 

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes into "overtime."

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep. 

 

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

 

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.   

 

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

 

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

 

 

"10 Reasons Adam Was The Luckiest Man"

 

 

1. He is the only man who has never been compared
to the man she could have married.

 

2. He had no in-laws to drop in.

 

3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.

 

4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.

 

5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.

 

6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.

 

7. He never had to shovel snow!

 

8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal.

 

9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables -
and the word FAT meant good.

 

10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?"  He replied,
"The woman you gave me was reading the map."

 

 

"An Old Farmer's Advice"

 

 

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

 

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

 

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

 

* A bumble bee  is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

 

* Words that soak into your  ears are whispered...not yelled.

 

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

 

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

 

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

 

* It don't take a very big person  to carry a grudge.

 

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

 

* Every path has a few  puddles.

 

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

 

* The best  sermons are lived, not preached.

 

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

 

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

 

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

 

* Live a good, honorable  life. Then when you get older and think back,  you'll enjoy it a second  time.

 

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

 

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

 

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

 

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

 

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

 

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

 

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad  judgment.

 

* Lettin'  the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back  in.

 

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

 

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.  Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

 

Have a Blessed Day

Dave and Barbara

 

 

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