Quote from Forum Archives on March 20, 2006, 9:30 am

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"Crazy English"

 

 

An Excerpt from the Introduction

 

[Many of these are mere wordplay, but several are linguistic anomalies.
One interesting thing the author doesn't note is that in English one
tells a lie, but the truth. Try explaining
that to a six-year-old.]

 

Let's face it: English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine
in pineapple.

 

English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are
meat.

 

We take English for granted. But if we explore
its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are
square, and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And
why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce, and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So,
one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices?
Is cheese the plural of choose?

 

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

 

In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo
by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and
drive on parkways?

 

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the
same, while a wise man and a wise guy are
opposites? How can the weather be hot as
hell one day an cold as hell another?

 

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill
in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock
goes off by going on.

 

When the stars are out, they are visible, but
when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

 

Now I know why I flunked my English. It's not
my fault; the silly language doesn't quite
know whether it's coming or going.

"Education the Easy Way"

 

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.  A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.

 

The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

 

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

 

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

 

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge  about those subjects.

 

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

 

The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

 

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

 

The pharmacist replied "Well, you know ...  math always was a little hard to
swallow."

"Information. Can I Help You"

 

"I'd like the telephone number of the Theater Guild, please."

 

"One moment, please.' Pause. "I'm sorry, sir. I have no listing for Theodore Guild."

 

"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild."

 

"I told you, sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

 

"Not Theodore! Theater! The word is theater! T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"

 

"That, sir, is not the way Theodore is spelled."

 

 

Have a Blessed Day

Dave and Barbara

 

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