Quote from Forum Archives on December 13, 2005, 2:08 pm

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"Frequently Asked Questions About Christmas"

 

Q: If Santa doesn't have to age, then why has he become old?   A: He
only appears to be old. He's an undercover kid.     

 

Q: How can a sleigh possibly fly through the air?   A: If you were being
pulled by eight flying reindeer, wouldn't you fly too?     

 

Q: Why do reindeer have red noses?   A: They are not equipped with ABS
and thus tend to bump into things on slippery   surfaces. This is why
Santa is often seen with a red nose (the sleigh doesn't   have an
airbag, either).     

 

Q: Why do we wish people a "Merry Christmas" instead of a "Happy
Christmas"?   A: The two are about the same, but with "Merry Christmas"
an extra twinkle is   seen in the eyes.    

 

 Q: Why is a Christmas tree that has been chopped down called a "live
Christmas tree?"   A: It's dead but doesn't know it, and yet it's having
the time of its life.     

 

Q: Why do we wrap our Christmas gifts with paper?   A: Because we like
to see surprise and joy (real or kindly faked) in the   recipients.

Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?   A: Nowadays, only
four angels can dance there. Formerly there was no limit,   but OSHA
passed the Angel Safety Law recently, which also requires that the   pin
must be inspected twice each year for structural defects.     

 

Q: How many gifts can Santa Claus's bag hold?   A: One less than
infinity. Why one less? Because there's a limit to everything.     

 

Q: How could a star that is high in the sky lead the Wise Men to a tiny
manger   on the ground?   A: Wisely, toward the end of their journey
they asked directions from someone   on the road. Had they not been so
wise, they might have missed the manger by   several hundred miles.
(That person on the road has never been identified.)      

Q: Is there really a Mrs. Santa Claus?   A: The best way to know for
sure is to ask Santa Claus next time you see him.     

 

Q: Why do we hear so many bells at Christmas time?   A: Because so many
people ring them.     

 

Q: Why do so many people ring bells at Christmas time?   A: For the
poor, for the joy, and because a bell can say what words can't say.

Q: What can't words say?   A: The moment you wake up on Christmas
morning, listen carefully. You may   hear then what words can't say.

 

 

"A Kitten's Twelve Days of Christmas Mischief"

 

On the first day of Christmas,
my kitten ruined for me...
A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab
the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara
climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture
and, suddenly off- balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six
cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of butter.... Of course,
it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out
the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.

 

On the second day of Christmas,
my kitten accompanied me...
On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has
feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28.00 for the office visit,
$36.00 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55.00 X-rays in case
Sara had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a
lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3' curly tail in slightly
less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.

 

On the third day of Christmas,
my kitten wrecked for me...
13 ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to chain
the decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving the room to
go to the bathroom while Sara feigned sleeping under the tree. How was
I to know she was actually measuring its climbing potential? Value of
broken bulbs? $7.50 plus tax.

 

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my kitten broke for me...
A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a
head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99.

 

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my kitten scratched for me...
The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an accident.
She merely wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, she
used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a
jacket to replace the boy's blood stained one and a hefty donation to
the charity of their choice. Although the amount must remain secret
according to our settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many
soldiers for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major
Windfall!

 

On the sixth day of Christmas,
my kitten opened for me...
The presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really. While
doing some early shopping at a discount store, I purchased a catnip
mouse for Sara's stocking. Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip
takes on its potent aroma for a very long time. Replacement costs:
$3.99 for another roll of Christmas wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty
boxes, $1 each for the kind of bows Sara can't unravel.

 

On the seventh day of Christmas,
my kitten lost for me...
The earrings I bought for my sister, Mary. Actually, it was one earring
but since Mary doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of
matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus
tax.

 

On the eighth day of Christmas,
my kitten helped me...
Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit
into the itty-bitty hole in the center of my Yamaha guitar? Neither
could I, but Sara thought so. And she succeeded once she got those
rascally strings out of the way. Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't
get out the way I came in. After paying through the whiskers for her
previous escapades, I would have been willing to leave her in the guitar
for the duration of the holiday season, except that she chose to get
stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our annual
Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95; jar of
petroleum jelly: 79¢.

 

On the ninth day of Christmas,
my kitten destroyed for me...
My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's delete key.
Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help line: $17.50. And I still
don't know what happened to the listings of B through H.

 

On the tenth day of Christmas,
my kitten hid from me...
The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a disaster
if she hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed a week's worth
of Christmas specials, including my all-time favorite, "It's a
Wonderful Life." Rental of "It's a Wonderful Life": $2.00; purchase of book,
"Good owners, great cats": $24.95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the
psychological profile of kittens with kleptomania.

 

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my kitten ate for me...
The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK, OK, So this one time it was
my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now infamous words:
"Your first turkey, Sara. Want to try just a little piece?" Cost:
Christmas Dinner.

 

On the twelfth day of Christmas...
Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.

 

"Overworked"

 

 

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:

 

I'm tired because I'm overworked.

 

The population of this country is 237 million.

 

104 million are retired.

 

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

 

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

 

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

 

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

 

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

 

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

 

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

 

You and me.

 

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes

 

Have a Blessed Day

Dave and Barbara

 

 

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