Quote from Forum Archives on December 5, 2005, 2:24 pm

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

 "HOLIDAY ETIQUETTE FOR DOGS"
  

  

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time.
     They may appear to be more stressed out than usual
       and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
  
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts.
       Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
 
 3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you.
        They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out
         of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
 
 4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up
         in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations.
         Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for
       your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
          4a - don't pee on the tree
          4b - don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
          4c - mind your tail when you are near the tree
          4d - if there are packages under the tree, even ones that
                smell interesting or that have your name on them,
                 don't rip them open
          4e - don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny looking
                   hole in the wall to the tree
 
 5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come
         visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but
         they also call for some discretion on your part:
         5a - not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
         5b - don't eat off the buffet table  
         5c - beg for goodies subtly
         5d - be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
         5e - don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
            (my bird needs to read this one)

 

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners
        will also be important:
       6a - observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other
                  people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
       6b - respect the territory of other animals that may live in
                  the house
       6c - tolerate children
       6d - turn on your charm big time

 

 7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge
        from your fireplace in the middle of the night.
           DON'T BITE HIM!!

 

"Puppy Christmas"

 

 

On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

 

On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

 

On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

 

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

 

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

 

On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

 

On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

 

On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

 

On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

 

On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

 

On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eleven unwrapped presents
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

 

On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
A dozen puppy kisses and I forgot all about the other eleven days.

 

 

Martha Stewart's Letter to Erma Bombeck

 

 

Hi Erma,     

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you   what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a   sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out   my loom and made a blanket in peaches and mauves.      Then, to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I   had just sitting around in my craft room. By then, it was time to start making   the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old   standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little   secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used   the ones I had on hand.      Before I moved the table into the dining room I decided to add just a touch of   the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the   ceiling.      While the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the   dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made   from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store.      Well, I must run. I need to finish the hand-sewn buttonholes on the dress I'm   wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post   office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making.      Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long. I have 40,000 cranberries to   string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a goodthing.     

Love, Martha     

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew,   picked, and crushed last week just for fun.     

 

 

Dear Martha:     

 I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list. Pay no attention to the   coffee and jelly stains. I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter off for school,   packing a lunch with one hand-on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff   needs bailing out again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to   make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that? Still can't find the scissors   to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor . . . trashed   the tablecloth. Tried that cranberry thing; frozen cranberries mushed up after I   defrosted them in the microwave. Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a   substitute in that Rice Krispies snowball recipe unless you like food that   resembles puke! Smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later.     

Love, Erma

 

 

Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara

 

 

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