Quote from Forum Archives on January 19, 2006, 11:53 am

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

     "I OWE MY MOTHER"

 

            

 

   1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
      "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

 

   2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
      "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

 

   3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
      "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the
       middle of next week!"

 

   4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
      "Because I said so, that's why."

 

   5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
       "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not
       going to the store with me."

 

   6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
      "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

 

   7. My mother taught me IRONY.
      "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

 

   8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
      "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

 

   9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
      "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

 

   10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
        "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

 

   11.  My mother taught me about WEATHER.
        "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

 

   12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
         "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

 

   13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
        "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

 

   14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
        "Stop acting like your father!"

 

   15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
        "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
         whodon't have wonderful  parents like you do."

 

   16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
        "Just wait until we get home."

 

   17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
        "You are going to get it when you get home!"

 

   18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
        "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

 

   19. My mother taught me ESP.
        "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are  cold?"

 

   20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
        "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

 

   21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
        "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

 

   22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
        "You're just like your father."

 

   23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
        "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

 

   24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
        "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

 

   25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
        "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

 

"My Mother Taught Me"

 

 

1. My Mother taught me about Behavior Modification...
"Stop acting like your father!"

2. My Mother taught me about the Circle of Life...
"I brought you into this world and I can take you out."

3. My Mother taught me about Stamina...
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

4. My Mother taught me about the science of Osmosis...
"Shut up and eat your Supper!"

5. My Mother taught me about Contortionism...
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

6. My Mother taught me Irony...
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

7. My Mother taught me about Time Travel...
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock
you into the middle of next week!"

8. My Mother taught me about Foresight...
"Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you're in an accident."

9. My Mother taught me about Logic...
"Because I said so, that's why."

10. Always Remember What Your Mother Taught You

 

"Mother's Maintenance Manual"

 

 

Many of us take better care of our cars then we do our mothers and yet we
only expect our cars to last 5 or 6 years but we expect our mothers to last
for a lifetime. Maybe we need a maintenance manual for mothers so we would
know how to take care of them at least as well as we do our automobiles.

 

Here are some items that might be included in such a manual.

 

Engine: A mother's engine is one of the most dependable kinds you can
find. She can reach top speed from a prone position at a single cry from a
sleeping child. But regular breaks are needed to keep up that peak
performance.

 

Mothers need a hot bath and a nap every 100 miles, a baby-sitter and a
night out every 1,000 miles, and a live in baby-sitter with a one week
vacation every 10,000 miles.

 

Battery: Mother's batteries should be recharged regularly. Handmade items,
notes, unexpected hugs and kisses, and frequent "I love you's" will do very
well for a recharge.

 

Carburetor: When a mother's carburetor floods, it should be treated
immediately with Kleenex and a soft shoulder.

 

Brakes: See that she uses her brakes to slow down often and come to a full
stop occasionally. (A squeaking sound indicates a need for a rest.)

 

Fuel: Most mothers can run indefinitely on coffee, left overs and salads,
but an occasional dinner for two at a nice restaurant will really add to her
efficiency.

 

Chassis: Mothers run best when their bodies are properly maintained.
Regular exercise should be encouraged and provided for as necessary. A
change in hairdo or makeup in spring and fall are also helpful. If you notice
the chassis begins to sag, immediately start a program of walking, jogging,
swimming, or bike riding. These are most effective when done with fathers.

 

Tune-ups: Mother needs regular tune-ups. Compliments are both the cheapest
and most effective way to keep a mother purring contentedly.

If these instructions are followed consistently, this fantastic creation and
gift from God that we call MOTHER should last a lifetime and give good
service and constant love to those who need her most.

 

Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara

 

 

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