Forum Navigation
You need to log in to create posts and topics.
"John's Christmas Eve" Friday
#1 · December 9, 2005, 11:40 am
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
"John's Christmas Eve"
T' WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND ALL THROUGH THE PLANT,
EVERYBODY WENT HOME, EXCEPT THIRD SHIFT, "THEY CAN'T",
THEYRE CLEANING AND SCRUBBING, MAKING EVERYTHING BRIGHT,
WHILE OUTSIDE IT IS SNOWING, MAKING EVERYTHING WHITE,
MANY HOSES ARE HUNG, ON THE HOSE RACKS WITH CARE,
IN HOPES THAT ST. NICHOLAS SOON WOULD BE THERE,
I'M NESTLED ALL SNUG, IN MY CHAIR, SO IT'S SAID,
WHILE THE WORDS OF A PUZZLE, DANCE IN MY HEAD,
KEN'S DOWN IN THE SHOP, TELLING TALES OF YEARS PAST,
MECHANICS ARE WONDERING, JUST HOW LONG THIS'LL LAST,
HAROLD'S TENDING HIS FLOCK, OUT ON THE FILLING FLOOR,
HE'S HAD A FEW NIGHTCAPS, DOESN'T NEED ANYMORE,
WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, THERE CAME SUCH A CLATTER,
BARRELS AMD BUCKETS AND DRUMS, WHAT'S THE MATTER,
MY PENCIL AND CROSSWORD, BOTH DROPPED TO MY LAP,
MY MOUTH FLEW WIDE OPEN, I FELT LIKE A SAP,
I SPRUNG FROM MY CHAIR AND THREW OPEN THE DOOR,
MY SHOES STEPPED IN CAUSTIC, I FELL TO THE FLOOR,
I RAN UP TO HAROLD, SAID, "HEY WHAT'S THE NOISE?"
HE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT MUST BE THE BOYS"
WE RAN IF YOU PLEASE, TO THE TOP OF THE STAIRS,
LOOKED HITHER AND YON, WE LOOKED EVERYWHERE,
WE ASKED MR. MACK IF HE'D HEARD ALL THE CLATTER,
HE SAID THAT HE HAD, WONDERED WHAT WAS THE MATTER,
I THOUGHT, AND I THOUGHT... THEN I SAID, WITH A PAUSE,
DO YOU THINK...COULD IT BE, IS IT...SANTA CLAUS,
THEN THE INSTANT I SAID IT, I SPIED WITH MY EYES,
THE CAUSE OF THE NOISE, WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE,
MIDST JUMBLED BUCKETS AND DRUMS, ALL SHINY AND BRIGHT'
WAS A JOLLY FAT FIGURE, ALL RED AND ALL WHITE,
HE LOOKED SO HELPLESS, LAYING THERE ON THE FLOOR,
DID MY EARS DECEIVE ME, I THINK THAT HE SWORE,
OUR VISION SOON CLEARED AND WITH VERY LITTLE HASTE,
THE FIGURE STOOD UP, IT'S BUS, COVERED WITH PASTE,
HE'D FALLEN IN GARBAGE AND HE WAS QUITE SMELLY,
HE GRUMBLED AND SWORE AND HE SHOOK JUST LIKE JELLY.
HIS FACE WAS ALL RED, LIKE HE'D STEPPED IN FROM THE NIGHT,
HIS MOUTH WAS ALL DRAWN AND HE WANTED TO FIGHT,
I HEARD HIM EXCLAIM AS HE TURNED DOWN THE HALL,
DON'T LAFF YOU'NS GUYS, T'WERN'T FUNNY A' TALL.
"A Microsoft Christmas"
'Twas the night before Christmas,
when all through the house
when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
except Papa's mouse.
except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming,
the icons were hopping,
the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last minute
Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung
by the modem with care,
Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung
by the modem with care,
In hope that St. Nicholas
would bring new software.
would bring new software.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds,
all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games
danced in their heads.
danced in their heads.
PageMaker for Billy,
and Quicken for Dan,
and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego
for Pamela Ann.
for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa
had been sent out by Mom,
had been sent out by Mom,
Which has now been re-routed
to Washington State
to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop
has been bought by Bill Gates.
has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer
have had to skedaddle
have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters
in suburban Seattle.
in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life
that was simple and spare,
that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly
a new billionaire,
a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche
in the place of his sleigh,
in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington
that's just down the way.
that's just down the way.
From where Bill has his mansion,
the old fellow preens
the old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots
and red Calvin Klein jeans.
and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options
and desks with a view,
and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code
for Johnny and Sue.
for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or tin soldiers
or little toy drums
or little toy drums
Will be under the tree,
only compact disk ROMS
only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label.
So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs
only on Windows 95.
only on Windows 95.
More rapid than eagles
the competitors came,
the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted,
and called them by name.
and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS!
Now, INTUIT! too,
Now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE!
you are all of you through,
you are all of you through,
It is Microsoft's SANTA
that the kids can't resist,
that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software
with a traditional twist
with a traditional twist
Recommended by no less
than the jolly old elf,
than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture
of Santa himself.
of Santa himself.
Get 'em young, keep 'em long,
is Microsoft's scheme,
is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa
is a marketer's dream.
is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ!
to the top of the Dow!
to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away!
dash away - WOW!"
dash away - WOW!"
And Mama in her 'kerchief
and I in my cap,
and I in my cap,
Had just settled down
for a long winter's nap,
for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn
there arose such a clatter,
there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum
of our satellite platter,
of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new
Christmas star in the sky,
Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned
by the Microsoft guy.
by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed
and was turning around,
and was turning around,
My computer turned on
with a Jingle-Bells sound.
with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen
was a smiling Bill Gates
was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa,
two arm-in-arm mates.
two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim
in voice so bright,
in voice so bright,
Have a Microsoft Christmas,
and to all a good night.
and to all a good night.
"Weather Prediction"
To tell the weather, go to your back door and
look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and
he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking
wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the
wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably
snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like
this, you have to leave the dog outside all the
time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely,
The Cat
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
Necessary Legal Information
We do not mail clean-hewmor unsolicited. If you are receiving this newsletter from us it's because you have subscribed to this mailing list. If you receive this newsletter and are not a subscriber then someone, other than us, has forwarded it to you.
Clean-Hewmor is only as good as the humor YOU contribute. Please take a few moments to send something funny so we can all get a good laugh! -- To unsubscribe, send ANY message to: clean-hewmor-unsubscribe@welovegod.org To subscribe, send ANY message to: clean-hewmor-subscribe@welovegod.org>