Quote from Forum Archives on February 8, 2006, 1:48 pm

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"New Children's Home"

 

 

A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."

 

"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."

 

 

"LATEST CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS"

 

 

Sermon Outline:
I. Delineate your fear
II. Disown your fear
III. Displace your rear

 

*Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

 

*If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a
check and drip in the collection basket.

 

*Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.

 

*Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips
will give the medication.

 

*Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well with my Solo"

 

*Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their
daughter October 12 thru 17.

 

*If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so
quietly.

 

*We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the
grounds around the church building and the rector.

 

*Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford"

 

*Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the
table in the foyer.

 

*Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their
weight.

 

*Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

 

*The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St.
Mary's Cathedral.

 

*The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church
board.

 

*As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof
outing.

 

*Fifth Sinday is Lent.

 

*Thank you dead friends.

 

*Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

 

*Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

 

*Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

 

*For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to
the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.

 

*Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

 

*Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.

 

*Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.

 

*The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working...

 

*Volunteers are needed to spit up food.

 

*Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess

 

*We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

 

*May God give us increasing hunger for the Blob.

 

*There will not be any Women Worth Watching this week.

 

*Hymn of Response: Crown Him With Many Cows

 

*Child care provided with reservations.

 

*Tonight, Pastor will preach on "Diving Healing."

 

*Janet Smith has volunteered to strip, and refinish the communion
table in the sanctuary.

 

*Were you there when they laid Him in the bomb?

 

*Christ is a member of Boy Scout Troop 36.

 

*Please come...you will be gald you did.

 

*Mark your calendars not to attend the church retreat.

 

*My joke is easy and my burden is light.

 

*I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirty
and you gave me drink.

 

*We are an autonomous body, opearting under the hardship
of Jesus Christ.

 

*The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday
evening at 7:30 p.m.

 

*Hymn of Invitation: "Whoever He Leads I'll Go"

 

*The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Bains.

 

*Worshipers are asked to wail until all have been served to
partake of the Body and the Blood of Christ.

 

*Pray for continual growth in the lives of many of our teens--
that a food foundation will be laid in their lives.

 

*Boars of Trustees

 

*We are always happy to have you sue our facility.

 

*The activity will take place on the church barking lot.

 

*Hymn: I am Thin, O Lord.

 

*I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me,
even though he diets, yet shall be live.

 

*Hymn: I Need Three Every Hour

 

*New Missionaries: Tim is a pilot and flies missionaries and
supplies into the bush.

 

*Palm Sunday: Our regular service will be gin at 11:00 a.m.

 

*All children are requested to bring fresh followers to decorate
the cross for Easter Sunday.

 

*When parking on the north side of the church, please remember
to park on an angel.

 

*Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday
nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like
crazy!

 

DAFFYNITIONS:

 

 

ZINK: Where you put the dirty dishes.

 

WEDDING RING: A one-man or one-woman band.

 

UNBREAKABLE TOY: An object which is indestructible, until a child plays with it.

 

SWEETS: People who eat sweets end up with big seats.

 

POT ROAST: A sunburn on the stomach.

 

NOODLE SOUP: Nourishment for the brain.

 

MONKEY BUSINESS: A swinging corporation.

 

LEOPARD: An animal easy to spot.

 

HORSEHIDE: What helps keep a horse from falling apart.

 

GRASS: What grows by the yard and dies by the foot.

 

 

Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara

 

 

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