Quote from Forum Archives on February 13, 2006, 10:02 am

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"The abcs of Aging"

 

 

A is for apple, and B is for Boat,  
that used to be right, but now it won't float.  
Age before beauty is what we once said,  
but let's be a bit more realistic instead.  

 

Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,  
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.  
D is for dental decay and decline;  
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line.  

 

F is for fissures and fluid retention,  
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.  
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;  
I for incisions with scars you can show.  

 

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend.  
K is for knees that crack when they bend.  
L for libido, what happened to sex?  
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?  

 

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;  
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!  
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,  
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new.  

 

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?  
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.  
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.  
T for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears.  

 

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;  
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.  
W is for worry, NOW what's going round?  
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.  

 

Y is another year I'm left here behind,  
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.  

 

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,  
And I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!

 

 

"IF MY BODY WERE A CAR"

 

 

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model.

 

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is
getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. My fenders are
too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little
MG; now they look more like an old Buick. My seat cushions have split
open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all
belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop in my neighborhood! Air bag's?
Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not
counting the saddlebags, of course. I have soooooo many miles on my
odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's
the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against
depreciation? My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard
to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of
weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me
hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

 

But here's the worst of it -almost every time I sneeze, cough or
sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

 

"Aint It Da Truth"

 

 

 

Thought I'd let my doctor check me,
'Cause I didn't feel quite right. . .
All those aches and pains annoyed me
And I couldn't sleep at night.

 

He could find no real disorder
But he wouldn't let it rest.
What with Medicare and Blue Cross,
We would do a couple tests.

 

To the hospital he sent me
Though I didn't feel that bad.
He arranged for them to give me
Every test that could be had.

 

I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,
My aging frame displayed.
Stripped, on an ice cold table,
While my gizzards were x-rayed.

 

I was checked for worms and parasites,
For fungus and the crud,
While they pierced me with long needles
Taking samples of my blood.

 

Doctors came to check me over,
Probed and pushed and poked around,
And to make sure I was living
They then wired me for sound.

 

They have finally concluded,
Their results have filled a page.
What I have will someday kill me;
My affliction is OLD AGE

 

 

Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara

 

 

Necessary Legal Information

 

We do not mail clean-hewmor unsolicited. If you are receiving this newsletter from us it's because you have subscribed to this mailing list. If you receive this newsletter and are not a subscriber then someone, other than us, has forwarded it to you.

 

Normal Subscribe: clean-hewmor-subscribe@welovegod.org
Normal Unsubscribe: clean-hewmor-unsubscribe@welovegod.org
       
Web Subscribe: clean-hewmor-allow-subscribe@welovegod.org
Web Unsubscribe: clean-hewmor-allow-unsubscribe@welovegod.org
       
Email Group Owner: clean-hewmor-owner@welovegod.org

  Clean-Hewmor is only as good as the humor YOU contribute.  Please take  a few moments to send something funny so we can all get a good laugh!  --  To unsubscribe, send ANY message to: clean-hewmor-unsubscribe@welovegod.org  To subscribe, send ANY message to: clean-hewmor-subscribe@welovegod.org>