Quote from Forum Archives on December 2, 2005, 12:38 pm

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"The Christmas Letter"

 

 

Dear Darling Son & That Person You Married,

 

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.

I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grand- children. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

 

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave.

Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again.

 

I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me.

 

I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.

Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year.

 

Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

 

Merry Christmas.

Love,

Mom

 

"Delivery Suspicion"

 

There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"

 

"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."

 

"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.

 

"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.

 

"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.

 

There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"

 

"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."

 

"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.

 

"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.

 

"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.

 

"New Boots"

 

 

My first grade daughter and her friend both needed
new boots as winter approached. The friend got in
the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots.
"Lucy," I commented, "I see you got new boots!
Where did you get them?"

 

"At the store," she answered. "Which one?" I asked.
She began looking at her new boots and after a pause
said, "Both of them!"

 

Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara

 

 

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