In light of the fact that we must all die, the exact timing, surely, is of relatively little consequence.
D.A. Carson

Groups

Forum Navigation
You need to log in to create posts and topics.

The New Alphabet Monday

Avatar
Forum Archives
2,360 Posts
#1 · August 22, 2005, 4:33 pm

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"The New Alphabet"
 
 
A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, But now it won't float!
 
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
 
But let's be a bit more realistic instead:
 
Now A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
 
C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
 
D is for dental decay and decline,
 
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
 
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
 
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
 
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
 
I for incisions with scars you can show.
 
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
 
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
 
L for libido, what happened to sex?
 
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
 
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
 
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
 
P for prescription's, I have quite a few,
(Just give me a pill... I'll be good as new!)
 
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
 
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
 
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
 
T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
 
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
 
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know
 
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
 
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
 
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
 
Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.
 
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
 
and I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed.
 

"Medical Terms"
 
 
Artery -- The study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Bowel -- A letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
 
"Anesthesiology Bill"
 
 
Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $1200 fee for the anesthesiologist.  She called his office to demand an explanation.
 
"Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
 
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
 
"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
 
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 1200 dollars is for bringing you back around."
 
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
 
 
Necessary Legal Information
 
We do not mail clean-hewmor unsolicited. If you are receiving this newsletter from us it's because you have subscribed to this mailing list. If you receive this newsletter and are not a subscriber then someone, other than us, has forwarded it to you.
 

 
 

  Clean-Hewmor is only as good as the humor YOU contribute.  Please take  a few moments to send something funny so we can all get a good laugh!  --  To unsubscribe, send ANY message to: clean-hewmor-unsubscribe@welovegod.org  To subscribe, send ANY message to: clean-hewmor-subscribe@welovegod.org>

Click for thumbs down.0Click for thumbs up.0