"Voice Mail" Tuesday
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided
to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners
right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in
the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then
enter his/her social security # followed by the pound sign. If you receive a
negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666.
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3:16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other
planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please
hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please
contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in
liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the
Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer
lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.(Groannn...)
PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "Hebrews!!!
for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It
looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped
lab, and lovely gardens. The old doctor even quoted a
very affordable price.
"This looks great," said the young doctor. "I just can't
figure out how you're able to have such a nice set up
with so few people to practice on.
"It's just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic,"
replied the older medico. "For example, most folks around
here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year.
My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening
and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a
huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and
boil them up for my secret tonic."
"But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this
land," said the younger man.
The elder doc replied, "That's where going that extra
bit pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the
store, whatever, right after they get back from their
vacations. I tell them they don't look too good, and
they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of
them." He continued, "I'll agree with them, then invite
them to stop around to my office for some of my old
fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it c an add
up really fast! Of course, that's just the beginning.
A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment
on how much better they're looking, so that they feel
like the tonic is working."
"Then I have them stop by the office for a complete
physical exam, just to make sure everything is alright.
I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way
I get my bottles back!"
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