My Secret War My Secret War
By Bob Davies
I had spent years in church, graduated from Bible school, andserved in short-term missions. But a hidden battle was raging insidethat threatened to destroy me.
The attic room was hot and stuffy, but the pounding of my heartwasn’t due to the temperature. I was reading a small paperback forteens on the “facts of life,” and the contents of chapter 10 filledmy 14-year- old mind with dread.
“Do you have attractions to members of your own sex?” the bookasked, then described the symptoms of something called”homosexuality.”
All these symptoms apply to me, I thought. I must be homosexual.Horrified, I immediately made two decisions: I would never tellanyone about my discovery. And I would pray-desperately-that somehowI could “outgrow” these feelings. Prayer, daily Bible reading andweekly Sunday School attendance were ingrained habits. So how could Ihave this problem?
Rather than seeking help, I hid my fears, withdrew from everyone,and eventually quit going to church. Why bother, when God seemedirrelevant to my deepest needs?
In my late teens, while a freshman at the University of BritishColumbia in Vancouver, I checked out books on homosexuality, andlearned of the large gay subculture in many North American cities.Curious, I began visiting adult bookstores and reading homosexualmagazines to feed my illicit desires. Only guilt and fear kept mefrom pursuing sexual relationships with other men.
That summer, I visited my older sister in Fort St. James, B.C.,and soon was employed in the local lumber mill. When she invited meto her small church, I readily agreed. After all, it was a good wayto make friends. The people were genuinely warm and soon I wasplaying piano for services. By the time I returned the next summer,the dying embers of my faith were burning brightly again.
Then a quartet from Prairie Bible College in Three Hills, Alberta,visited the church, and I learned about the school’s Bible-centeredcurriculum and strong music pro-gram. I applied to the college andwas accepted.
Arriving on campus in September 1971, I plunged into a fullschedule of classes-and found them fascinating. For the next threeyears, I enjoyed a constant diet of God’s Word, both in the classroomand in my private study.
God began a deep work in my life. For example, I arrived on campusas a withdrawn introvert. For my required part-time student work, Iwas assigned to the men’s dorm as postman. Every afternoon, I sortedmail, then greeted each man as he came by my first-floor office topick up his mail.
Within weeks, I knew the full name, dorm room and roommate ofevery male student on campus. God gave me “instant” relationshipswith hundreds of men. It was deeply affirming to feel their love andacceptance. But I never told them about my on-going war withhomosexual temptations.
Two years after graduation, I attended a Youth With A Missiontraining school in Germany. After the six-month program, one morningas I was praying about my future, I “saw” myself back home, handingout tracts in front of Vancouver’s largest gay bar. My heart sank.”No way,” I moaned inwardly. “I’ll do anything-except that!”
Then, in September 1978, I heard a testimony that changed my life.A speaker at church shared his story of years of overseas ministryand many people won to Christ.
“God,” my heart whispered, “I want my life to count for You-justlike that man’s.” Then came God’s challenge: “Are you willing to paythe price?” I knew God wanted me to fully surrender my confusedsexual identity to Him. Despite years of church attendance, a Biblecollege diploma, and overseas missions experience, I still struggledwith wrong same-sex desires. And they were getting worse.
For the next 24 hours I hardly ate or slept, wrestling with theLord like Jacob (see Gen. 32). Finally, too exhausted to fightanymore, I surrendered. “God, you win. Do whatever you want with mylife.”
I had read about an “ex-gay” ministry called Love In Action (LIA)located near San Francisco and wrote their office, asking if I couldvisit. Then I told my family and close friends of my battle. “I feelGod is calling me to California to get help,” I explained. Althoughthey were shocked, they were also supportive.
Arriving at Love In Action in June 1979, I planned to stay for thesummer, then return home to resume “normal” life. Soon, I wasvolunteering in the office, helping the staff keep up with hundredsof inquiries for help.
That summer I made some startling discoveries. I realized that,because of my own sexual struggles, I could give meaningful supportto fellow Christians facing similar battles. And because I had neverfallen into homosexual behavior, I could offer valuable insights onperseverance and spiritual warfare.
My initial summer’s commitment grew to six months, then one year.Before long, I realized that my life had taken a permanent turn. Ibegan editing the ministry’s monthly newsletter, writing newliterature, and speaking at local seminars.
God continued to work in my own life. Much to my surprise, Idiscovered that homosexuality was not my “real” problem. The illicitsame-sex desires were only an outward symptom of deeper emotionalwounds that needed healing. Through LIA’s support group, I was ableto openly confess such struggles as insecurity, fear, and envy ofother men.
Because I had never “acted out” my homosexual feelings with othermen, there were some struggles to resist the allure of the unknown. Iheard many stories of other people’s involvement in sin. Quitefrankly, some of their illicit adventures sounded like fun. I had toresist thoughts like, “You got tired of so much impersonal sex? Iwish I could say the same thing. Then I’d be ready to give it up!”
God also opened my eyes to see the tremendous dev-astation thatsin had brought into these men’s lives. Unknown to all of us, some ofthem were already infected with the HIV virus.
I also found it difficult to be honest with others. I’d lived mostof my life behind a smiling facade. Would people love and accept the”real” me? It took me almost a year to confess my on-going struggleswith pornography. But as I brought such issues “into the light,” Idiscovered that they began to lose their power. And I found thatJames 5:16 was true. As members of our group confessed our sins toone another and prayed for each other, we experienced more of God’shealing. I gained a new level of victory through being accountable toothers.
The unconditional love of my church was also crucial to my growth-especially support from “straight” men. Because of my position onstaff with Love In Action, everyone knew of my past. But the men atChurch of the Open Door weren’t afraid to show their acceptance by asmile or warm hug. All my life I had felt so inferior to other men.But through same-sex affirmation, I slowly began to feel more like”one of the guys.” Another root which fed my homo-sexual desires wasbeing cut.
After five years at Love In Action, I began growing restless,sensing that God had something more for me. But what? My attitudetoward marriage had been slowly changing. When I first came to LIA,marriage seemed as unlikely as climbing Mount Everest. I had too manyfears of the unknown and deep feelings of inadequacy. But, severalyears later, I finally admitted the truth to myself: I really didwant to be married- some day.
On October 11, 1984, I awoke with a start. The bed-side alarmclock read 3:07 a.m. Then came a dream-like vision. In my mind, I”saw” myself floating down a river. Right ahead, the river divided intwo different directions. Then the following Scripture came stronglyto mind: “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you thedesires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4).
I sensed that God was speaking to me, that He was bringing me toan important crosspoint in my life. The fork in the river wassymbolic. Ahead of me were two options: marriage, or continuedsingleness. Which branch of the river did I want?
Then I thought of Pam, a woman who had joined our church’s musicteam. I saw her every week at practices. We were casual friends, butnow I sensed that God had “something more” for our relationship.
During the next week, I sought counsel from my pastor and FrankWorthen, the director of Love In Action. I knew that feelings and”visions”- especially in the area of romance-could be deceptive. Ididn’t want to stray from God’s will in such an important area of mylife. Both Frank and my pastor encouraged me to take one stepfor-ward into the relationship, and see what happened. Finally, withsweating palms, I sat down with Pam.
“I think God wants us to start a relationship,” I told her,expecting her to be shocked. Instead, she smiled and almost lookedrelieved. She had also sensed the Lord leading us together. In fact,she’d been praying that God would “hit me over the head” to get myattention on the matter!
The next week, while Pam was on vacation, she sent me a card withthis hand-written verse: “O Lord…you have worked wonders, plansformed long ago, with perfect faithfulness” (Isaiah 25:1). When wetalked later, we made an amazing discovery. Pam had been praying forher husband-to-be since September 1978-the very month I had yieldedmy homosexual struggles to the Lord.
We got engaged that Thanksgiving, and were married the followingAugust. During those months, all my lingering fears about marriagevanished like a morning fog. I honestly never doubted for a momentthat God was lead- ing us together.
Since our wedding, God has continually used my wife to bringfurther healing and affirmation into my life. Our marriage is veryspecial; I can never take it for granted.
Yes, even in marriage, my healing continues. For example, I’mcontinually learning to mature in my role as husband and leader ofour home. Like many men who have dealt with homosexuality, I struggleat times with passivity. I still hate confrontation, so God gives meplenty of opportunities to grow in that area (whether that meanstelling a macho neighbor in an upstairs apartment to turn down hisblaring TV at 11:00 p.m., or telling my wife what I really thinkabout her ideas for our vacation).
So, whether it’s facing the roots of my homosexuality or someother challenge in my spiritual walk, I know that my growth willcontinue for a lifetime. There will be many more battles to face inthe years ahead. But that’s fine with me. I know I can’t do it on myown, so I’m looking to Jesus Christ for strength. Through His deathfor me, the war has already been won. *
Bob Davies is executive director of Exodus International, aworldwide coalition of ex-gay ministries. 1992 by Bob Davies.Distributed by Love In Action, P.O. Box 753307 , Memphis, TN38175-3307