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Searching for Love Searching for Love

By Dottie Ludwig

Although I appeared professional and successful in my nursingcareer, I lived with constant guilt and fear of being “found out” asa practising lesbian.

I was three-and-a-half years old when my mother died. I rememberthe day. I was sitting in the woodbox, looking into the bedroom whereI could see the bed and my mother’s feet as she lay there.

The doctor and my father came out of the room together. After thedoctor had gone, my father went to the table where three of my foursisters were sitting. I watched him pick up each one and comfortthem. I was sitting there crying, but I was left alone, unnoticed bymy dad. It doesn’t do any good to feel, I decided. Nobody caresanyway. And so very early I learned to stuff my feelings.

In the following years, I lived with several different families.Part of the time I had one or two of my sisters with me; sometimes,it was just me. I’m sure these moves were difficult for me, but Idon’t remember having feelings about the changes. In these families,I perceived the mother figures to be distant and unloving. Fatherfigures were drunk, emotionally distant, or molesting me. My onlycontact with my father was a monthly 30-minute visit (if that) andthen he would be off to see the next child.

Often, I felt unwanted and useless. Life is unfair, I would think.Why doesn’t somebody love me? Instead of love, all I heard was “Getout of my sight!” when I had done something displeasing.

I was given smaller food portions than the rest of the family, sooften I was hungry. Sometimes I ate dog food to quell the hungerpangs. At other times, my foster father would lure me into the barn,enticing me with a candy bar. But he’d withhold it from me until Isatisfied him sexually.

I survived these years by withdrawing into a fantasy world where Iwas a “superman” figure saving the world. But I never dreamed ofrescuing myself. I didn’t count.

During childhood, I was forced to attend church, where I heardabout a God who would punish me if I did wrong. However, I alsoremember learning the hymn, “What A Friend We Have in Jesus.” SomehowI knew there was a God who loved me.

Then, during sixth grade, I was unwillingly dragged to the churchaltar during a service. “If this is what church is all about,” I toldmyself, “I don’t want any part of it!” After that, I did everything Icould to avoid church.

My first memory of hungering for love from another woman datesback to high school. We had a neighbor who would wave to me from herkitchen window and invite me into her antique shop to see hertreasures. I loved to be with her, and wished that she could be mymother. Often I found myself standing in places or doing things whereshe would notice me.

I finished high school in 1953 and entered nurse’s training inPortland, Maine. Back then, homosexuality was rarely mentioned. Butwhen I read about the subject in my psychiatric textbook, I had afleeting thought: Maybe that’s what I am.

My first involvement in lesbianism occurred after graduation whenI became friends with another nurse. One night, while stayingovernight at her house, she reached out to me in a sexual way. Iresponded positively to her advances and we began a four-year lesbianrelationship. I had six relationships over the next 12 years. Thesewomen temporarily satisfied my need for love and acceptance. However,after a time, each relationship would cool down and we would driftapart.

Although I appeared normal, professional and successful on theoutside, I lived with constant guilt and fear of being “found out.”When a relationship would end, I’d deny that I was gay and promisemyself never to enter another lesbian relationship. But sooner orlater, I would respond to a physical overture from someone, whichwould lead to a sexual relationship and emotional enmeshment.

In 1968, at the invitation of a co-worker, I became in-volved intaking occult classes and learned that there was a “good god” wholoved me. I believed this was the god I’d been searching for.

No one knew of my lesbian involvement, and I struggled alone withmy guilt and fears. While still involved in my last relationship,however, I told my friend, “This relationship is sin, and I can nolonger be involved.” I believe God heard and honored that confessionof my heart. I still did not know Him, but His grace was already atwork in my life.

In 1972, I became interested in Transactional Analysis and studiedto become a T.A. Therapist. The next year, God pulled my securityblankets out from underneath me through a situation at work. I foundmy false “gods” in-sufficient for my needs, and I resigned myposition. Over the next few months, God raised up one of His childrento befriend me and tell me about Jesus. She had her whole Bible studygroup praying for me. That fall, I was born again as God revealedHimself to me through His Word and His people.

Finally I truly understood about sin, confessed my pastimmorality, and received God’s forgiveness. I had permanently stoppedmy sexual involvement with other women. However, the deep need forlove-the root issue of my lesbian longings-had yet to be resolved.

As a new Christian, I had a tremendous fear of letting anyone knowI had been involved in lesbian relationships. The gay jokes andridicule I heard among professing Chris-tians only reinforced my fearof rejection. If they know about my past, they will reject me, Ithought. I told others about my previous involvement in the occult,transactional analysis, and other sins-but remained silent about mylesbianism.

Then I became friends with another nurse who was going through arough time. I was ecstatic when we’d do things together and lookedforward to the next time we’d be together. Most of our activitieswere church- related, and I believe God used her to help me growspiritually. However, I became emotionally dependent on this woman(the feelings were one-sided). There was not a physical attraction,but the emotional enmeshment was just as destructive.

God used three things to begin dealing with the roots oflesbianism in my life. First, He arranged a confrontation with myfriend about my past. One time after we had returned from visiting aneighbor, my friend asked, “How come the topic of homosexuality seemsto come up so often in conversations with you and others?” I remainedsilent.

“Have you ever been a homosexual?” she shouted, and I admitted thetruth.

She looked at me with fire in her eyes. “And I thought I couldtrust you. What a hypocrite! I’m not even sure you’re a Christian.”She stormed out and drove off in her car as I fell to my knees,crying out to God for help.

I felt so ashamed and abandoned once more. I seriouslycontemplated getting into my car and leaving forever. But at just theright time, my friend returned and we talked about my previousinvolvement in lesbianism. She apologized for her reaction. Later Ilearned that she was fearful of her own reputation since I was livingwith her and her children at this time. From then on, I resolved tobe open about my past with any serious friendships.

Second, this friend began dating and doing other things withoutme. I found myself feeling jealous, hurt, possessive, and rejected. Ifelt abandoned again, which caused de-pression and inner turmoil. Atthis time there were no ex-gay ministries, and I knew of no one withwhom I could share my struggles.

One day I was praying when the Lord brought to mind the words,”inordinate affection” (see Col. 3:5). I sensed that God was talkingabout the underlying dynamic of my relationship with my roommate, andthat I needed to repent of it. I was amazed. Before this, I had onlyassociated lesbianism with sexual involvement. Now I began tounderstand how my need for healthy same-sex love had becomedistorted. I asked the Lord to forgive me and help me have His lovefor my friend.

Another night I told the Lord, “I don’t care if I never haveanother friend in my life. You alone are enough!” I meant thosewords, and experienced a release from the emotional bondage I’d feltin my heart.

Third, God prevented me from helping others so He could show me myworth and value in Him. He showed me that I needed to learn how toreceive. At the time I was physically helpless, emotionally drained,and very needy. It humbled me to learn that God and His peopleaccepted me, even when I had nothing to give.

I knew that I had to start forming some other rela-tionships andfelt God urging me to attend a women’s Bible study at church. I wentmany times in sheer obedience, not hearing much of what was said, butsimply receiving all the Lord was doing in me through His Word andHis people. Gradually I began going for coffee afterward with some ofthe women. God used those times to show me I could have friendswithout all the emotional baggage that I’d had in the past. And Hebegan filling my same-sex love deficit through several women-not justone. I even shared my lesbian past with the group, and was stillaccepted.

Inner healing prayer and healing of memories were also a part ofmy recovery. I forgave those who had traumatized me in childhood, butthe Lord alone did the healing; unfortunately, all the people haddied, leaving no opportunity for restoration of any relationships.

I also received ministry for my occult involvement. I had beendeceived into thinking that I had found the god who would love me. Ihad to renounce this false god so nothing would hinder myrelationship with the true God.

Since the early 1980s, I have noticed some major changes in myattitude toward men. I no longer fear them, and find myself attractedto them. I enjoy being hugged or having a man touch me on theshoulder. I’ve had thoughts like, I wonder what it would be like tobe married? Does God have a husband for me? I have asked the Lord toallow me to marry if that is what He wants.

I walked away from lesbianism 24 years ago, and God dealt with itsroots over a seven-year period after I became a Christian. Now I havea heterosexual orientation, although I am content being single andcelibate.

A song that I love includes these words:

Love has always been there in the chaos of thisworld…
It is God’s love that turns that chaos into joy…
And the Love of the Father became Mary’s little Son,
And His love reached all the way to where I was.*

Instead of searching for love, I have learned to receive love frommy Heavenly Father. In being able to receive, I have embraced anessential part of my femininity. God has filled my hunger forlove-and I remain amazed at all He has done.

God: "I looked for someone to take a stand for me, and stand in the gap" (Ezekiel 22:30)

By Dottie Ludwig

Although I appeared professional and successful in my nursingcareer, I lived with constant guilt and fear of being “found out” asa practising lesbian.

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