"Do You Believe That I Am Able To Do This?"

“Do You Believe That I Am Able To Do This?”

I met Jesus on February 9th, 1987. I had heard about him most ofmy life, but on that day I met him. Here’s what happened:

At a church retreat, a group of us were talking about Jesus. Ifelt the need to be honest with the group and told them I wasn’t sureif I believed in Jesus. For 24 years I was raised in a Christianhome, attended church weekly, and went to Christian conferences. Butthat weekend, when talking about Jesus, I had to say that I didn’tknow if I really believed in Him.

I took the plunge to find out more when a man invited me to studythe Bible with him and some friends. After six months of meeting withthem each week, the question arose about whether or not we knew forsure we had eternal life – that when we died God would take us intoheaven.

I thought about my life and answered with a hesitant, Yes, andadded, about 90% sure. The man next to me then answered and said,Yes, 100% sure.”

My immediate thought was, How arrogant! How does he know whatGod is going to do with him? But as we went around the circle,man after man said, Yes, 100% sure. 100%. 100%, 100%, 100%. Back tome: 90%.

They said to me, Eric, the difference between 90% and 100% willchange your life. Making a mental note of that, I went on with thestudy.

Six months later, we were studying the book of Romans. A phrase inChapter 1 caught my eye. At the end of a long list of sins was astatement that … those who do such things deserve death….

Wow! I thought. Death? Death is a pretty strong sentencefor some of those things. I told the group, I don’t mean to sayI’m so great, but honestly, I don’t think I’ve done that much wrongin my life. I’ve hardly done anything that I would even be put injail for in America, let alone get the death penalty. Yet, it sayseveryone has done such things, and for that, they deserve death.

A man in the group made a suggestion. Why don’t you ask God andsee what He says?

And so I asked God one of the hardest questions I’ve ever askedHim in my life. God, show me if I’ve done anything for which Ideserve death. Either what I said was right, and the Bible was wrong,or what the Bible said was right and I was wrong; both couldn’t beright.

Within two weeks, I had my answer.

God drew my attention to one of the topics on the list of sins inChapter 1. I hesitate to admit the sin because I don’t really want totell people about it. But to leave it out of the story would be tomiss God’s transforming power at work in my life. The topic Godpointed to was homosexuality.

Like many men who enter into homosexuality, I had felt a void inmy life in my relationships with other men. I didn’t excel at thetypical male sports in our small town, such as football, basketball,or wrestling. I found myself doing things in which I did excel, likegymnastics, music, and dancing. These activities put me in the midstof women, with whom I then formed most of my close friendships. Andlike many homosexuals, I found over the years that I didn’t have aproblem relating to women, but to men.

In college, I met men who spent time with me and cared for me. Ifound myself drawn into intimate, and eventually sexual relationshipswith them.

While I thought I had always lived a fairly upright life, I hadalso talked myself into thinking that sex outside the bonds ofmarriage wasn’t so such a bad thing. In America, you don’t get put injail for having sex with someone who is mutually agreeable. Andhomosexuality was equally acceptable under the law –although I wasaware it wasn’t acceptable to everyone because of the publicdisagreement over the issue.

I enjoyed this new freedom and considered myself opened mindedenough to not categorize my activity as a sin. Even though Ieventually had sexual relations with women as well, my passionsreturned me to homosexuality, seeking to fill the void of close malefriends in my life.

But when I prayed to God to show me if there was anything I’d donewrong in my life, He pointed to this topic. I felt He was asking meto rethink it now in light of what I had been learning about Him. Iwas overwhelmed. God opened my eyes to see it for what it was, to seethe destruction it could cause, and to see that it could certainlylead to death.

I thought about how God had carefully and incredibly created menand women to be marriage partners and to produce offspring. I thoughtabout how skillfully He had made our most intimate parts to jointogether in a unifying experience that brings joy to us as well asjoy to the Lord. I thought about His first words to humans afterputting us on the earth: Be fruitful and increase in number.

I soon realized that I had taken these great things God hadcreated for me and I had twisted and perverted them. I had used themin a way that does not produce life, and could quite conceivably leadto death.

I felt an acute awareness before God that I had indeed sinned, andthat those who do such things do deserve death. I felt in fullagreement with God that if He decided to take my life for this sin,that it would be fair. I would simply be reaping what I had sown.

I felt terrible before God. I was truly sorry, but I had no way tomake up for what I had done. I couldn’t take back my actions. Icouldn’t undo the past. It was as if, for example, I had just killedmy father, then later felt sorry about it and desperately wanted tomake up to my mother for what I had done. What could I do for her tomake up for taking the life of her husband? To say I’m sorry wouldnot bring him back to life. To give her a thousand dollars, or tenthousand dollars, or even a million dollars would not make up for it.To promise to go to church for the rest of my life would not restorewhat had been lost.

I knew, however, that I did not want this sin anymore. I simplycouldn’t engage in this lifestyle any longer. I didn’t want thesepassions anymore, but how could I get rid of the way I felt andthought and acted?

In my daily Bible reading, my eyes were drawn to a passage inMatthew 9 where two blind men wanted to be healed. They cried out toJesus for mercy. Instead of simply healing them as he had for otherpeople, Jesus asked these men a question: Do you believe I am able todo this?

Like the blind men, I felt I needed God’s healing and mercy in thearea of homosexuality. I felt the Lord was asking me, Eric, do youbelieve I am able to do this?

I thought, From everything I’ve been taught about Jesus – Hismiracles, His healings, who He was and how He lived–if anyone coulddo this for me, He could. In fact, I couldn’t think of anyoneelse who could change my mind and heart and body on this issue. Icouldn’t see anyone talking me out of it or being able, somehow, tochange my inner desires. But I knew that if anyone could, Jesuscould.

And Jesus asked me, Do you believe I am able to do this? Like theblind men, I answered Him, Yes, Lord. And as He did with the blindmen, Jesus touched me and healed me that day and said to me what hesaid to them, According to your faith will it be done to you.

Many homosexuals talk about ëcoming out’ as a time when theydeclare their openness to the world about their sexuality. I came outthat day, but not to expose my sin to the world. I came out of a darkcloset into the full light of God, exposing my sin to Him so he coulddo the precision surgery needed to heal me.

The next night, I was sitting in on a class about world missionsat a local church. The speaker talked about why Jesus came to theearth. The man detailed God’s plan to save His people as outlinedthroughout the Bible, from the first pages of Genesis to the lastpages of Revelation. The speaker explained why Jesus came–which wasnot just to tell us to love each other, but to die for our sins so wewouldn’t have to.

That night God showed me how I could make up for what I’d donewrong. How, if I had literally killed my father, I could now restorehim to my mother. God impressed strongly upon me that there was a wayto escape the penalty of death–a penalty that the book of Romanstold me was inevitable for all who sinned. All I had to do was tobelieve in his Son, Jesus Christ.

I went home that night with an unusually heightened sense of love;a love that came from the thought that Someone would die for me, eventhough I rightfully deserved it. All I had to do was accept His deathin my place and my sins would be forgiven and forgotten.

I had heard the phrase Jesus is Lord! before, but it had neverstruck me as something more than a trite, religious saying. Thatnight, I felt like shouting, JESUS IS LORD! I had seldom met anyonein my life whom I wanted to follow, but now I found One whom I wouldgladly follow anywhere. Since He was willing to die for me, I waswilling to give Him my life. For 24 years I was lord of my life,doing what I wanted to do. Now that I saw where my own ways wereleading me, I decided to let Him be Lord of my life, and let Him callthe shots.

At home that night, I didn’t know what to do with the incrediblelove I felt. A girl I knew in college was the closest thing to thiskind of love I had ever known, so I decided to call her. As I went topick up the phone, I distinctly sensed these words, “Talk to Me.Knowing it was God, but wanting to talk to this girl, I went for thephone again. Again, I heard, Talk to Me. I struggled with what to do.For the third time, I reached for the phone and again heard, Talk toMe.

I left the phone and knelt on top of my bed and talked to God.Through heavy weeping I told Him I was sorry for what I had done. Itold Him I had indeed sinned and rightly deserved death; that I hadfollowed my own way for 24 years, and I now saw clearly where I washeaded. I told Him that I believed in Jesus, that I was incrediblythankful for his healing touch and for his death in my place. I toldhim that I would do whatever He wanted me to do, that I was glad tohave found Someone I could follow, and that I would be thrilled tocall Him My Lord.

I met Jesus that night and learned my first lesson in why God isGod and I am not. Proverbs 14:12 says, There is a way that seemsright to man, but in the end it leads to death. I was on death rowand didn’t even know it. If I were making the rules, I would not haveset the death penalty for homosexuality or for any sin. Also, I wouldhave not provided a way out for those who deserved death by sendingmy Son to pay their penalty and then freely offering eternal life toanyone who simply believed in Him.

Thank God that our ways are not His ways. Not only did I meetJesus that night, but I learned a profound truth about Him that hasbeen ingrained in the essence of my being: I am alive because Jesusdied.