Looking to Him-My Way Out Looking to Him-My Way Out
By Jay Stone
As a teenager, I hated myself. I didn’t want to be gay. Whycouldn’t I be like other boys?
I lay in a heap across my bed, tears spilling down my cheeks. Mybedroom had become a common place of retreat for me as a teenager. Iasked the familiar questions once again, “Why God? Why me? Why can’tI just be normal like other guys?”
My agonizing pain has resulted from another rejection. Rejectionby other guys seemed to be the story of my life as a teen. Tony wassuch a neat guy. Attractive, athletic, outgoing. All the girls lovedhim. He was everything I wished that I could be. So I could hardlybelieve it when he befriended me. Maybe, for the first time, someoneI really admired didn’t think I was a queer.
Then it happened. I heard from another friend that Tony’s dad hadtold him I was a fag. That was the end of our friendship. He didn’twant to be seen with me any longer.
Hate and anger filled my heart. Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so badif this hadn’t been a repeat of previous friendships. Scott, Rudy,Gary- they were all friends until others made fun of them for beingmy friend. Their rejection only reinforced in me that I hated otherguys. My heart became so broken that I began to believe that Icouldn’t have friends. It hurt too bad. I went through most of highschool without a single friend.
Why was I such a sissy? I never set out to be this way. Why did Ithink guys were sexually attractive? What did I do to deserve this?Why did everyone hate me so much? I wished I were invisible. In fact,that became my strategy for coping: Try to make it through life so noone can see you. That way, no one can make fun of you.
Lunch hour at school was the worst. Who would I sit by? No onewanted me. “Gay Jay” is what they called me. I felt like the mostdespicable thing on the planet.
When I was young and didn’t know any better, I wanted to be agirl. As I got older I couldn’t get close to other boys. It seemedlike I was always staring through a window, wishing I could be a boyand play their games. But I was too scared.
Maybe it all started because I was afraid of my father. He wasn’tabusive, but I perceived him as harsh and distant. As a boy, men werevery scary. Conversely, women seemed safe. I felt really drawn to thefeminine. I wanted women to like me.
I’m not sure if it was my perception or not, but my mother seemeddistant too. I became obsessed with wanting another mother. I spenthours at other homes where women lavished attention on me. One time,a female baby-sitter told me I would have made a cute girl. “Whywasn’t I born a girl?” I wondered.
Then, when I reached puberty, I found other boys sexuallyattractive- although I had no idea why. After discoveringmasturbation, I would fantasize about being involved sexually withother attractive boys at school. Why did I do this? It didn’t seemlike I made the choice to be this way.
Exposed to religious teaching at age 12, I heard that homosexualswould spend eternity in hell. I wanted so badly to be a goodChristian boy, but these feelings wouldn’t go away.
Teasing was a continual source of pain starting in junior high.One tough guy beat me up in front of several other kids in front ofthe school. His reason-I was a fag.
I tried so hard to blend in and make the feelings go away but itdidn’t work. I hated myself. I wished I could just die or run awaywhere I could start all over again.
At church I was hearing that homosexuality was the worst sin, sothere was no way I would ever tell another Christian. My sin wouldhave to remain a secret. However, my secret never gave me any rest.Every time there was an altar call I doubted whether or not I wastruly saved. Christians weren’t supposed to struggle with this sin.
So I faked being a Christian. I said all the things a Christianwas supposed to say, but Jesus didn’t seem real. So I hated myselfeven more. I desperately wanted to live for God, but I didn’t believeHe could love me. I felt so filthy!
At age 22, my life was bankrupt. Up to this point I hadn’t actedout my homosexual feelings except for in child’s play with neighborkids. Now I faced my options. I cried out, “Either You’re real, God,or You’re not! Either I am gay or I am not!”
I figured I had three options: Embrace homosexuality, end my lifeor live for God. I didn’t want to hurt my family, so the first twooptions were out of the question. Then the thought came to me: “Maybeif I give myself to the Lord in Christian service, I’ll find thefreedom I’m looking for.”
I forsook my career and pursued training for ministry. Finally Ifelt on the right track. By faith I put the past behind me and triedto be God’s servant. Then I met this really nice guy in Bible School.We became great friends; little did I know that he was also dealingwith homosexuality. It was only a matter of time before our unmetneeds came together in sexual sin.
We cried together and wished it had never happened. But our singrew as we hid it in the darkness. In my mind we had no otheroptions. To expose our sin meant ridicule in the worst degree. Ithought no one would ever understand. But we couldn’t seem to breakoff the friendship.
Finally our sin was discovered and exposed from the pulpit. Weweren’t called out by name, but our sin was identified. We were toldthat we stood in jeopardy of losing our salvation. All my goodintentions about following God were crushed. I decided to take my ownlife.
While I lay in the bathtub trying to drown myself, I heard a stillsmall voice, “Hold on to Me. I have something better for you.”
Over the next few months, I cried out to God for deliverance morethan ever before. There were literally hours of tears. “Please revealyourself to me, God,” I begged. “Please set me free from all my sin.”
During this time I met Gail, another student who just happened tobe sitting beside me in every class. She was a woman who knew God’slove, a true light in the midst of my pain. She was the firstChristian who ever reached out with God’s love to me, even when sheknew I was struggling with homosexuality.
At first it was so hard to talk about my homosexual feelings. Theyears of feeling dirty and unlovable made it really difficult tobelieve that anyone could understand and not reject me. ThroughGail’s acceptance, I saw a demonstration of God’s love andforgiveness.
Gail had overcome other sins, and her testimony gave me hope.Through her friendship, Jesus became real to me for the first time.Finally I felt clean and forgiven. My image of Jesus changed fromsomeone who could cast me into hell at any moment to a loving Saviorwho could set me free.
God led me to Hebrews 7:25, “Therefore God will save to theuttermost (fully, completely, for all time and eternity) those whocome to God through Him, since He ever lives to make intercession forthem.” (Amplified Version). Jesus showed me that He was acquaintedwith pain. He lived on this sinful earth, then He ascended into God’spresence to stand in the gap for us.
Gail showed me this kind of unconditional love. No matter what Iwas going through, day or night, I could phone her and she would liftup my soul in encouragement and prayer.
Sexual fantasy was a real trap for me. I had stopped the outwardbehavior, but I was still in bondage in my mind. This was one of mymost difficult battles. I thought my mind would never be pure. But itbecame real to me that I could “take every thought [captive] to theobedience of Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5).
I began to train myself to think on “all that is good, pure, justand right.” It took extreme effort and grace from the Lord but overtime I found that immoral thoughts no longer ruled me, and I couldchoose to dismiss them when they came.
Deeper struggles also came in my identity as a man. I felt sounmasculine that, at times, I felt like a woman trapped in a man’sbody. I wore bulky sweaters to cover my “disgusting excuse for aman’s body.” To battle these thoughts, I had to renew my mind withGod’s love. I put away negative thoughts by asking the Lord to changehow I saw myself. His acceptance and the love He demonstrated throughfriends like Gail helped me to see that I really was okay. It was abig victory for me when I began to feel comfortable in shorts and aT-shirt.
I came to Love In Action in 1991 to participate in theirLeadership Training Program. Through living with other men, I beganto experience healing from my isolation and fear of males. I foundout that I really could trust other men, and that I could be closewithout becoming sexual. God used the live-in program to restore what”the locust had eaten,” of my lost years without friendships.
Through the process of opening up and trusting others, God hasgiven me a freedom in relating to my parents. I came to see how myoverly- sensitive temperament caused me to reject my father.
Now I’m learning to accept him, without demanding that he becomeswho I think he should be. As God has strengthened my own self-worthand identity now I can respond to my parents as an adult rather thanas a hurting child. I have come to see them as people-just likemyself-who need love and forgiveness.
Today, I’m so grateful for God’s forgiveness, cleansing andunderstanding. His love makes it possible for me to face myweaknesses. I no longer have to hate myself when I feel drawn toanother man. When I feel vulnerable and begin to envy another man, Iknow God understands. I don’t have to be ashamed to face thesefeelings.
And just because I envy another man or feel inadequate doesn’tmean I’m “gay.” With God’s encouragement, I can confront the feelingsand choose healthy ways of working through them-like talking with afriend and getting prayer-rather than turning them into sexualfantasies.
I never wanted to be gay. I wanted to be loved and affirmed. Iwanted to know there was a way out. That I really could feel clean.That I could feel like a whole person. That I could come to likemyself.
I’ve found all of that in my relationship with Jesus. He is myhealing, my hope-and the way out of despair. In looking to Him, Ifound my way.
Jay Stone is the administrator for the Love In Actionoffice. He also oversees LIA’s Leadership Training and Steps Furtherprograms. Copyright © 1994 by Jay Stone. Distributed by Love InAction, PO Box 753307 , Memphis, TN 38175-3307