Out of Deception Out of Deception
By Joe Dallas, as told to Bob Davies
I learned the pro-gay theology and became very adept at defendingmy lifestyle. No one would have guessed that, only a few yearsbefore, I’d been a married deacon in an evangelical church.
“Joe, you stay away from those downtown theaters,” my motherwarned me when I was 10. “There’s queers down there, and they’ll wantto undress you!”
My mother’s warning attracted me to the forbidden theaters. Atfirst the anonymous sex frightened me, but I enjoyed being held andtouched.
Although my family went to a good Presbyterian church, I didn’thave a personal relationship with the Lord. By my early teens, Godseemed totally irrelevant and I dropped out of church. At the age of15, I discovered a group called “Gay Sexual Freedom” in anunderground Los Angeles newspaper. I could pass for a 21 year old, soI joined the group and soon began having ongoing relationships witholder homosexual men. I began identifying with the gay subculture.All the attention made me feel like I was getting all the things I’dbeen looking for while growing up.
I kept my homosexual life carefully hidden at high school byjoining the most popular fraternity and going steady with anattractive girl. On weekends, my family thought I was going “out withthe guys” from school, and my jock friends thought I was sneaking offto Hollywood to find women. I had everyone fooled.
Then I started dating Ann, a beautiful young Christian girl. Forseveral months, she confronted me with the Gospel, so finally I toldher about my homosexuality.
“That’s no problem,” she told me. “You still need to be born againlike anybody else.” In the following weeks, I came under intenseconviction. Finally one day I went to a park across from my schooland began talking to God.
“Lord, if You’re really there, I’m ready. I’ll give all of this toYou…if You’ll have me.”
I entered into a personal relationship with God, and it was aglorious experience. Soon I was a typical “Jesus Freak,” totingaround a big Bible. The Jesus revolution was sweeping throughsouthern California, and hundreds of us young kids were being saved.It was a wonderful time in my life!
I began attending Ann’s church-Calvary Chapel in Costa Mesa,Calif., and got excellent Bible teaching from Pastor Chuck Smith. Ihad no trouble giving up homosexual activities. Although I stillpreferred men sexually, I figured those feelings would disappear intime.
Then, about a year later, a friend invited me to another Biblestudy. “You’ve got to hear this guy named Brad (not his real name),”he told me. “He’s really dynamite.” My friend was right. I was veryimpressed with Brad’s gifted teaching and kept going back for more.
Soon our home Bible study had grown to several hundred youngpeople and we moved into a church building. I became a deacon inBrad’s new church, and the services kept growing until attendancesoared over 1,000 people. We started regular television shows, anddid large services all around the state of California. I marriedBrad’s secretary, Carol, and went full-time into the ministry. Theyear was 1972, and I’d been saved less than two years. Everythingtook place so fast that I hardly knew what was happening.
My life centered around the ministry. Although I loved Carol andwe had a normal sex life, our marriage was empty. All we ever did wasminister, minister, minister.
By 1976, Brad’s ministry had gotten too big and slick, and Idecided to get out. I started working a secular job and became verydisappointed when God didn’t open up another ministry position rightaway.
As my bitterness increased, all the old homosexual feelings beganto return. I started falling in love with guys at work, and onenight, on a whim, I went into an adult bookstore. Soon I was rightback into the old lifestyle.
At first Carol had no idea what I was up to, but soon she musthave guessed. I started smoking and staying out late. Then I sensedsomething was wrong with her, as she’d come home with booze on herbreath and neither one of us supposedly drank. We never confrontedone another, but finally I took her out for dinner. “Carol,” I calmlytold her during the meal, “I really wonder if you might be happier onyour own.”
She thought about it for a few minutes. “Yeah, I think I wouldbe.”
Inside, I was desperately hoping that she’d ask, “Joe, what’sgoing on? What on earth is happening?” But she didn’t, and Ipretended to be cool.
“Yes,” I said calmly, “I think separation would be best for bothof us.” Within two weeks, Carol was gone, and we later divorced. Mywhole life had totally fallen apart in three months.
Within a week, I was hanging out at a gay bar in Long Beach.Inside I was furious at God. I’ve got the right to do what I wantwith my life, I fumed. I’m gay and that’s all there is to it!
Soon I got into a sexual relationship with the bar owner. Iidolized Dan. I’d go to the bar and sit through his shift. After thebar closed, we’d get together for a few hours, then I’d go home.
After a few hours’ sleep, I’d get up and drag myself off to work.I always hoped we’d end up living together, but Dan was living withanother lover, and he didn’t want to break off that relationship.Needless to say, it was a sick situation. One night I told Dan aboutmy ministry background, and he took me to visit the local pro-gayMetropolitan Community Church in Long Beach.
This place is a theological mess, I thought when I first heardtheir rationalization of homosexual behavior. But I was so hardenedthat I soon bought into their deception.
When I began to pray and read the Word again, I felt God’spresence. Lord, I thought, You can be in my life, I’ll stayhomosexual, and we’ll all get along just fine.
By the end of 1979, I was on M.C.C. staff. As a student minister,I played the piano at services, and took courses on counseling,theology and church history.
I learned the pro-gay theology and became very adept atarticulating it. I often represented our church at universitypsychology classes. During this time, I went through a succession oflovers, including a yearlong relationship with one of the churchpastors.
I honestly believed the pro-gay arguments. But if I hadn’thardened my heart, I would have known better when I first becameinvolved in that church. And even though I believe that God was stillin my life during that time, my fellowship with Him wasn’t anythinglike what I’d had in the past.
But something changed in early 1983. I lost interest in thechurch, dropped out of the program and became wildly promiscuous.
Then I heard about a new disease called AIDS. I realized that Godcould allow me to destroy myself. The thought sobered me but didn’tstop my active sex life.
In early 1984, I happened to see an old friend on a Christiantelevision program. He talked about his experience of backsliding andcoming back to the Lord, and I really identified with his testimony.
I knew that something was missing in my relationship with God.”Lord,” I prayed, “if I’ve been wrong about homosexuality, please letme know.”
Instantly I felt a strong witness in my spirit. I knew I’d beenwrong. Terribly wrong.
In the next few days, God opened my eyes to see the people I’dhurt: my wife, my lovers, my former congregants. For about fourmonths, I cried every night at home. It was the only time in my lifewhen I thought about killing myself.
I broke off contact with my gay friends, moved away from LongBeach and began attending my old church. A few of my old friends werestill there, and welcomed me back. They invited me to join theirsoftball team and pal around with them. I began experiencing a newdepth of friendship with other men I’d never known before.
I also got into counseling with a professional Christiancounselor. He gave me some excellent help.
During this time, I never thought about marriage, but assumed I’dbe celibate for the rest of my life. But that was soon to change.
As the months passed, I met an attractive young lady named Reneeseveral times in a short time period. We began getting to know oneanother, and I found out she’d been through a devastating divorce andwas raising her three year old son alone.
I really admired Renee. She was working full-time, very active inthe church, had a well-behaved little boy. Now there’s one sharpwoman who really loves God, I thought.
Unexpectedly, I began developing feelings for her: warm protectivefeelings. I wanted to be with her and touch her. I’d never had suchfeelings before in my life.
We began dating, and I quickly sensed that our relationship couldbecome very serious. After our second date, I told her about my pasthomosexual involvement. “I’ve only been out a year,” I told her. “Doyou want us to keep seeing each other? I do, but it’s up to you.”
Renee didn’t know much about homosexuality, but she wanted tocontinue the relationship. Our friendship blossomed, although therewere some tough times to go through.
For example, when I got tested for AIDS, my results got held up,and I had to wait four months to hear back. During that time, I foundout that two of the men I’d been involved with had AIDS. It wasterrifying.
Renee stuck right with me. “Joe,” she said reassuringly, “Goddidn’t bring you this far to forsake you.” She was such anencouragement. The results finally came back negative, and I gottested several times after that to make sure.
Two years later, Renee and I were married on August 8, 1987. Sincethen, God has continued the healing process in me. Besides mymarriage, another miracle He’s done is teaching me how to love othermen. I used to be terrified of other guys; now I’m learning how todevelop friendships in the proper way. So there are still areas of mylife that God is healing. But the deception I used to embrace isgone. I know that I wasn’t born gay, and that I’ll never be satisfiedwith homosexual relationships.
My joy comes in being who God really created me to be-aheterosexual man, fulfilled in Him.
Joe Dallas is director of Genesis Counseling in Orange,Calif. He is also the author of two books, Desires in Conflict andUnforgiven Sins.