He Is Able - We Love God!

He Is Able He Is Able

By Kristy Keith

After eight years of involvement in lesbianism, I didn’t think itwas possible to change. But God had other plans for my life.

It was Sunday morning and there I sat in the middle of a churchservice. I could hardly believe it. My leathers were stuffed as fardown into my back-pack as I could get them.

I parked my motorcycle just outside the church parking lot. Ihoped my make-up wasn’t too dark. I kept thinking, Maybe they’ll justthink I’m a biker chick. In fact, that’s what I’ll tell them. But, Iwondered if they could tell I was a lesbian.

I’d known I was a lesbian for as long as I could remember. Ididn’t always know there was a name for what I felt, but I rememberhaving romantic feelings towards other girls since grade school.

I had a crush on my best friend in sixth grade. I remember wantingto kiss her. That was the first time I realized that the way I likedher, was the same way she liked boys.

I grew up with just my mom and two older sisters. My dad wasaround for a while, but because of the problems at home, he left whenI was ten. I was devastated. He had come and gone a few times before.

Every time he came home, I’d love and trust him with all my heart.Inevitably, though, he’d leave again, and my heart would be broken.Eventually, I was afraid to have him even come home because I knew hewould just abandon me again. But I missed him terribly. I was sotorn. He had been my everything.

I loved my mom and sisters, but I didn’t relate to them at all.They wanted to go shopping and talk about boys. I just wanted to ridemy bike or play the drums. There was a gap in our relationship that Icould never quite put my finger on. This intensified my growingtendency to feel isolated and insecure as a girl.

When puberty hit, life got even more confusing. While my friendsstarted getting crushes on boys, my crushes on girls only grew moreintense. I tried to deny it.

I was fourteen years old when a friend at school, who knew I wasMormon, witnessed to me about Christ. She told me of some literatureI could get on Mormonism and challenged me to read it. In doing so, Ibecame disillusioned with the Mormon church.

I set up an appointment with my bishop to discuss what I’d read.He couldn’t answer any of my questions. So I made the decision toleave Mormonism and give my life to Christ. My friend was verysupportive through this stressful transition. I really felt the loveof Christ through our friendship.

This friend’s mom confronted me around the time I turned 15. Shesensed my struggle with my sexuality (not to mention my crush on herdaughter) and decided to sit me down and talk to me. I feltoverwhelmed by fear during our conversation. I had never openlyadmitted these feelings to anyone before.

She pointed out what the Bible had to say about homosexuality andencouraged me to think about it. Unfortunately, all I got out of ourconversation was a feeling of rejection and the realization that myfeelings were “an abomination to God.”

I was also terrified that she could tell what was going on insideme. I couldn’t figure out how she knew. Was it really that obvious?She never meant for me to feel rejected or scared. She said what shedid out of love. But at that point, I just couldn’t handle it.

After this conversation, I started drifting away from Jesus.Within a few months, I denied Him and came out as a lesbian.

There weren’t any places for someone my age to meet otherlesbians. So a friend at school, also a lesbian, told me where thegay bars were. I managed to get into them and, by the time I wassixteen, I was a regular. My family didn’t know what to do with me. Ijust didn’t care anymore. I had to finally figure out who I was andhow I fit in.

I immersed myself in the gay community over the next eight years.I separated myself from my family and “straight” people as best Icould. I was very open about my sexuality. I figured if this was whoI was, then I wasn’t going to be ashamed of it, even though itbrought on new rejection. Being honest about my “true identity” wasmore important to me.

I participated in the gay pride days in Sacramento, CA, and thegay parades in San Francisco and Los Angeles. For several years Irode with a lesbian motorcycle club. I even spent a few yearsimmersed in the sadomasochistic subculture, dabbling in the occultand witchcraft. And I would eventually end up on death’s door with anaddiction to cocaine, alcohol and whatever else I could get my handson.

Two years into the recovery process of my addictions, I wasreintroduced to Christ by a co-worker. At first, I found this man’sfaith to be quite offensive. I thought he was narrow-minded andself-righteous.

We ate lunch together almost everyday and talked about God.Invariably, I left our conversations irritated. But little did I knowthat he, and his men’s group, had committed to praying for me. Myheart began to soften, slowly but surely. Finally, alone at home onenight, I asked Jesus to come back into my life.

I was immediately convicted about my lesbianism. I shared thiswith my co-worker and his wife. Their response was incredible. Theywelcomed me with open arms. They spent the next year pouring the loveof Jesus into my life, simply by being there for me. They openedtheir home to me and continually prayed for and with me.

None of us really knew how to deal with my lesbianism. But weeducated ourselves through books as best we could. And we just kepttaking everything to the Lord Jesus in prayer.

About a year and a half into my walk with Christ, I began to gothrough a lot of temptation to act on my lesbian feelings. I wasn’twilling to be completely honest with anyone, and I fell to thetemptation. I became involved in a lesbian relationship with a womanin my church.

This devastated everyone concerned. I realized, at this point, Ineeded more help than I originally anticipated. Once again, myco-worker and his wife were there for me, speaking the words ofcorrection I needed to be restored.

I obtained some literature from Love In Action through a man at mychurch. He had gone through LIA’s men’s live-in program. I decided togive LIA a call. I was really hoping someone could help me understandwhat God wanted me to do about my lesbianism. I was at my wits end.

After a few months of counseling with LIA over the phone, Godopened up the doors for me to move to San Rafael.

Since coming to Love In Action, great things have happened. Whatstarted out as an act of obedience has turned into a true change ofheart. I no longer desire to live as a lesbian.

In the beginning of my walk with Christ, I decided to be obedientand not act on my lesbian feelings. I wondered if that was going tobe all I could hope for. I could imagine being single the rest of mylife, but I couldn’t imagine being “straight” either. At first, thatwas O.K. All I really wanted to know, was Jesus.

But as time went on, and I sought what Jesus wanted me to do withmy lesbian feelings, I noticed change in my desires and beliefs. Idesired more than obedience. I desired to be all God created me tobe–a Godly, heterosexual woman.

As I read God’s Word, I learned that He was a God of restorationand healing. I believed He wanted to change my heart.

The “Grace” group leaders at Love In Action had a tremendousimpact on my life. During the whole first year of the support groupmeetings, I cried all the way home after seeing them. They gave meincredible hope from seeing what God had done in their lives. Thatbrought God’s Word to life for me.

Through the faithfulness of God, and the women’s support group,I’ve worked through the deeper issues I believe were at the root ofmy lesbianism. One of those issues was abandonment, in regards to myfather.

I’ve learned to trust God as the Father who will never leave me.God has brought much healing in my relationship with my fatherthrough forgiveness. God has also brought healing from the isolationand insecurity I felt with my mom and sisters.

My feelings of isolation and insecurity had more to do with falseperceptions of myself than anything else. I still have these feelingsfrom time to time, but I know what to do with them. I know theyaren’t true. I am amazed at the liberty brought by embracing God’struth about who I am.

Much of the brokenness in my family relationships has been healedthrough forgiveness. Dealing with past heartache can be difficult,but Jesus has been there for me every step of the way. I am amazed atHis willingness to turn one inch of obedience into miles ofrestoration and healing. I’ve learned that He has much bigger hopesfor our lives than we ever dare to dream.

The hope I have for my future is still really simple–I want toknow Jesus more and more. The difference now is, I believe He is ableto do more in my life than I ever thought possible.

I am convinced that He is able to keep me from falling, and topresent me faultless before His glory with exceeding joy, to the onlywise God our Savior, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, bothnow and ever. Amen. (Jude 24-25)