God Didn’t Make a Mistake God Didn’t Make a Mistake
By Luanna Hansberger
I prayed every night for years that God would undo the mistake Hehad made: “God, please make me a boy.”
Most of the people who knew me when I was growing up wouldprobably have a hard time believing what my life was like during mytwenties, when I became involved in the seemingly hopeless morass ofa lesbian relationship.
In my early years I felt abandoned by the most important man in mylife. My mother was divorced when I was four and I have very fewmemories of my biological father.
One memory I do have still leaves a little ache. I don’t know howold I was, but I remember learning to “sort of” whistle and beingvery proud, I waited by the screen door for “him” to come home so Icould demonstrate my new talent.
I actually can’t remember who I was expecting_probably my father,or my uncle who was living with us_but he never came. I just stood bythe door waiting and waiting as it grew dark. I really believed thatsomehow my parents’ divorce was my fault; that if I had been the sonmy father wanted he would not have left. I knew at a very young agethat the only name chosen prior to my birth had been a boy’s name.
When I was six, my mother remarried and I was legally adopted byher new husband. When I say “Dad”, he is the one I mean. We packed upand moved to New England, where my mother’s family lived. I triedhard to be the son that I thought all fathers wanted.
I was an only child until the age of twelve, when we adopted a twoyear old girl. Mom talked about adopting another child, and Iexpressed my own interest in having a brother. It was a real blowwhen Dad said no, he didn’t want any sons, only his girls. I hadspent six years trying to be the son he didn’t want. At the time itfelt like a personal rejection.
My identity was pretty well set by then. I didn’t care what myfather said, I wanted to be a boy. I believed in an all powerful God,and from the age of eight, I prayed every night for years that Godwould correct the terrible mistake He had made: “God, please make mea boy”.
In adolescence, sexual fantasies began. Very comfortable in myassumed male identity, I was always a man and my partner was always awoman.
In junior high school I found a book about a man who had a sexchange operation, and learned that such a thing was a medicalpossibility. That thought stayed in the back of my mind for years.
During my freshman year at college, my roommate and I hit it offright away and an emotional dependency quickly developed. Early inour sophomore year we became involved in a physical relationship.Oddly, this was the first time I ever accepted myself as a female. Iknew I could not have such a relationship with this woman if I were aman.
During college, I adopted very masculine mannerisms and dress.Occasionally this behavior got me into interesting predicaments.
For example, one December I was travelling by Greyhound bus frommy parents’ home back to college. In the Memphis, Tennessee busstation I almost received a police escort out of the ladies’ roomwhen another woman mistook me for a man. At the time that seemed likequite an accomplishment, and my lover and I used to chuckle about it.
We lived together for six years. Toward the end of that time ourrelationship really went downhill. I would frequently sleep on a bedroll on the floor in her room because she didn’t want me to be in bedwith her, but I wanted to be close to her. I was extremely immature,preferring to spend the morning in bed if my lover had a late class.I kept getting fired and my lover was more and more frustrated withmy inability to keep a job.
When I lost the last one, I was afraid to tell her. So I wouldleave in the morning, pretending to go to work. I couldn’t keep upwith the bills and began to write bad checks, thinking I would getthe money somehow. When I didn’t get another job, I began to forgechecks on my lover’s bank account. Eventually I was unable to keep upwith the bad checks and in December 1977 I was arrested. I spent tendays in jail, including Christmas and New Year’s.
While I was in jail, my lover discovered the check forgeries, butdidn’t press charges, believing I was in enough trouble already. Myparents bailed me out and paid back the money I had stolen from mylover. I was given a six month probated sentence.
Soon my lover finished her graduate degree and moved to anotherpart of the country. Although I then had a good job, I still hadn’tlearned my lesson, as I was just waiting for her to settle down so Icould join her.
That’s when the Lord stepped in. My lover became a Christianduring her training period with her company. When she told me, I wasimmediately jealous of God. I knew that if she really meant it, wecouldn’t continue in our old relationship.
I had always owned a Bible and my lover used to question why Ibothered with it. Now that she professed to truly believe in it, Iwondered what I had missed.
I began to study the Bible and to pray. After having theopportunity to spend some time with the person who had witnessed tomy lover, I committed my life to the Lord in September 1978.
Immediately Satan began throwing problems at me. My new neighborswere a lesbian couple who figured out I was gay, but they thought Ihadn’t realized it. They decided to “help” me discover the truth.
The Lord mercifully intervened each time I planned to do somethingwith them, although I didn’t thank Him at the time. I also began toestablish contact with some of Dad’s relatives. My cousin was incollege about 80 miles away. I had been ignoring her for about a yearbecause I knew she was a Christian.
Now I couldn’t wait to visit her. I was accepted by her friends atthe Christian college she attended. I dared not tell any of themabout my past. It was my first taste of Christian fellowship, andthat was really important with the temptation of my neighbors soclose hand.
In spite of fellowship with my cousin and involvement in a goodchurch, I was being drawn more and more into the activities of myneighbors and their friends. Then I lost my job (this time through nofault of my own) and moved back to my parents’ house halfway acrossthe country. Six months of unemployment were used by the Lord as atime of spiritual growth for me. Then, following His leading, Ijoined the U.S. Army.
In the service, I found a wonderful fellowship of believers_manyof whom opened their homes to me as a single soldier. The love andconcern of my Christian friends helped me through many periods ofloneliness, but there was still the black shadow of my past with allits hurts and unhealed areas. Although I was free from sexualinvolvement with anyone, there were still temptations and sexualfantasies. In my loneliest moments I would call my ex-lover whichwould inevitably lead to sexual fantasy. I was afraid to share withanyone, but knew I must find someone with whom I could talk. I calledout to the Lord repeatedly to give me someone to talk to, and finallyHe did_several people. There was a single woman from the barrackswhere I lived, and three married couples. Each of these peopleministered to me in a special way.
The single woman was simply a close friend. One of the coupleslistened and asked penetrating questions which caused me to look atmyself and my actions from a new perspective. Another couple becamemy clothing “advisors”, helping me to select a feminine wardrobe. Thethird couple was silently accepting, letting me talk and being agreat prayer support.
My friends encouraged me to contact Regeneration, a local ministrywhich reaches out to those seeking a way out of homosexuality. Thus,in January 1981, the healing process was accelerated.
When I first came to the ministry I was extremely shy andintroverted. I bounced back and forth between a masculine and afeminine identity.
One week I finally got up enough nerve to wear a dress to thegroup meeting. I couldn’t handle the reaction from people, so thenext week I was back in my shell_with blue jeans and flannel shirts.Slowly that changed as I gained self-confidence and as people aroundme helped me to grow into womanhood. Others in the ministry were alsogrowing and changing, and it helped to have someone with whom toshare the change process.
I gradually cut back on my calls to my ex-lover, as the Lorduprooted that emotional dependency. We are still in contact with eachother as Christian sisters, but it was several years before we couldmeet face to face without great emotional upheaval.
The friends I first shared with continue to be a great help andsupport for me. That support has carried on literally from around theworld as they have moved about with the military. At the end of March1985, I got out of the Army to go to work for Regeneration. Duringthe time since entering full time Christian service, I can really seethe changes the Lord has made in me. Through Him I can now not onlyaccept, but rejoice in, my femininity. I am now joyfully preparingfor marriage. I praise the Lord for the work He has done in my life.When I was born female, God didn’t make a mistake!
Luanna lives with her husband and children in Baltimore.Distributed by Love in Action, P.O. Box 753307, Memphis, TN38175-3307; 901/542-0250. Adapted by permission from a handoutpublished by Regeneration, P.O. Box 9830, Baltimore, MD 21284.