Turning away from a lie to the truth of God’s Word
Turning away from a lie to the truth of God’s Word
I was very young, in standard four, when I became involved in a homosexual relationship with a girl one year older than me. Both of us entered into the relationship without any previous sexual involvement, let alone a homosexual one. Like children do, we experimented, and got stuck in homosexuality. This relationship lasted right through my high school years into university. All this time I knew well to keep this dark side of my life a secret to everybody – only the two of us knew what was going on. Outwardly both of us were normal children at school. I saw myself as Christian, since I come from a Christian background, attending church, reading my Bible regularly. I even became a group leader in several Bible studies during my school years.It was only in my second year at university that I started to ask questions about my own life. That was triggered by seeing someone, whom I used to know as a drug addict, for the first time a few years after his conversion. I was astounded by the complete change in him. I saw in him a complete change, and couldn’t argue away the reality of the joy and life in him. He took me to a coffee bar where a lady spoke to me about God and His desire to know me personally. Although I easily argued her into a corner about issues from the Bible, I couldn’t deny the fact that she had something I don’t have – LIFE! In my heart I knew then that what I used to call Christianity was far removed from the real thing.
This encounter triggered a very deep inner struggle in me. I clearly sensed that I could not continue being a Christian in name only. Strangely, the question whether or not I would have had to break the relationship with my homosexual partner never featured during this time. I was merely intensely involved in seeking this God whom I thought I knew. I spent a week in my room doing nothing but reading the Bible, crying out to God and sleeping when I became too tired to continue, literally locking the door of my room and not opening it to anybody. At the end of the week my mind opened and I understood the gospel. I clearly remember the sense of peace with God that gripped my heart as I understood and surrendered to God. After having my first meal in a week (it never occurred to me that I was fasting!) I went to bed and had a good sleep.
When I woke up, I knew I had to do two things. I had to tell my parents about my decision to give my life to Christ, and I had to phone my partner and break the relationship. I did both immediately because I knew if I procrastinate I would lose the courage to do so. Of course the lady didn’t accept my reason for breaking the relationship, since she saw herself as a Christian too. I tried very hard to explain the change in me, but eventually gave up, knowing that no amount of arguing would convince her. After that I just avoided all contact with her and stood my ground to break the relationship even though it was very hard in the beginning. She pursued me, sending messages with mutual friends, writing letters, arranging meetings that I “had to” attend that she would attend too. I continued to break all ties, even though it very often meant breaking my heart as well. I knew I wouldn’t have the strength to remain faithful to my newly-found Lord if I allowed myself any contact with her.
The decision to surrender to God was one thing, coping with the reality of the changes that were taking place in me was quite a different thing! The very intense inner struggles, sometimes just undefined inner turmoil, other times defined desires and struggles, forced me to literally spend every free moment reading the Bible. I busied myself with the things of God at all times. I didn’t have to leave my friends, they left me, convinced that I lost my mind. Sometimes I was convinced of the same! Nevertheless, I continued to spend every free moment with God, being very careful to obey Him in even the smallest detail. All this was not so much because I loved Him, but because I needed Him so much to remain standing and to cope with my inner brokeness. All this time I continued my studies at University and outwardly remained just another student. I started to read through the New Testament and found Joh 8:32. “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” I needed freedom – so I made the commitment to do everything possible to get to know the Bible. I searched for a Bible study group (literally walking from room to room in the residence where I lived at the time asking if they knew of a Bible study I could join) until I found one. I realised when I came to Romans 12 that renewing of my mind was necessary, so I made the commitment to not read any other book more than the Bible.
I also studied psychology as an extra subject, and my eyes automatically went to all the sections on homosexuality. I read that homosexuality could not be changed and the “best” one could do was to refrain from practicing. It would always be latent though. I was furious with God for this. How dare He ask of me to leave something behind if He couldn’t take it away. I cried out to God about this issue – how could He be so cruel. I made Him understand in no uncertain language that I was not happy with Him. I cannot be two persons. I can only be me. If He could not change me, then He should leave me alone – for me its everything or nothing. This angry response had been continuing for a few weeks when I sat on my bed one evening repeating my case before God. Then suddenly His answer came – clearly and unmistakably, just these words entered my mind: “OK, its everything or nothing, but then from both sides”. My body grew numb and I panicked. God is also not satisfied with a half-way giving of myself! Then God gently pointed out to me that He wrote the Bible, not the psychology textbook. So if I really wanted to know what He has to say about homosexuality, I should read the Bible.
All this time I didn’t share my inner struggles with anybody. Outwardly I continued to be just another student attending classes and continuing with life. I was seen as a very radical Christian though, because instead of having fun with the others when I was free, I would be found reading the Bible. Wherever I went I took the Bible with and read it every free moment I had. Little did they know that was the only way I could survive and cope with what was happening in me. I was petrified of the changes that started to take place within me. I responded to people and situations in ways totally foreign to how I used to be. It was as if a stranger was living within me. That caused immense anxiety in me, since it gave me a sense of losing my mind, as well as caused me to feel totally out of control. Self-control used to be my strongest defense mechanism, and suddenly I seemed to have no control over my behaviour. I cried out to God, pleading with Him to help me. Then I read 2 Cor 5:17, and God spoke to my heart – if I really wanted to know who I was, I should look in the Bible to find out who He is, since He is the “stranger” living in me (2 Pet 1:2-4). That helped me, and I started to understand my “new self” better and better.
When I was over this first period of complete confusion, I started to relate to people. This was a problem for me as well, especially to cope with the attention men started to give me. At the same time I had no way to relate to women properly, without becoming very jealous and possessive. God was faithful though, and He caused two committed Christian ladies to draw me into their friendship. That forced me to learn how to “share” someone in friendship, as well as gave me a role-model of healthy friendship. Even though I sometimes inwardly fumed with jealousy when I saw their friendship with each other, I knew that I couldn’t vent that, since they would easily exclude me again – after all, they drew me into their friendship. This was hard training for me, but today I thank God for His faithfulness.
Initially, for the first two or three years, I had no temptation to go back to homosexuality. I continued to struggle a lot with masturbation, but had no other sexual desires. Then one day a temptation came to me, and I suddenly found my mind flooded with a desire to start a relationship with a woman. I was petrified. I immediately went to my room, locked my door and cried out to God. I knew I couldn’t fight against this desire, it was stronger than me. After all, I tried to break free from homosexuality several times before I gave my life to God and never succeeded. So in my heart I knew, and I told God so, if this kind of thing continued in me it would be only a matter of time before I went back to homosexuality. Initially God did not respond at all, and that caused my anxiety to grow almost beyond any control. I continued to plead with Him, asking Him where I went wrong (reminding Him of our agreement of everything or nothing, asking Him where I didn’t give everything). I would do anything just to be released from the growing temptation. But there was no reply from God.
Then I had a vision. God showed me vividly how Satan tempts us with known sin. He would bring sensations, feelings, thoughts, desires that we used to know as part of us as a temptation to us. He does not bother so much to bring unknown temptations, since we would recognise it as a temptation rather than to feel guilt-ridden by our “backsliding”. We don’t recognise it as a temptation, since it is so familiar. So we believe the lie he wants us to believe, thinking it comes from our own heart like it used to. The moment I understood that, I took courage. It meant that I could respond to that temptation like any other temptation. The only reason it had a stronger pull for me was because I believed the lie that I still had those desires in my own heart. God also didn’t let me go until I acknowledged that I enjoyed those sins. (God never allowed me to get away with anything but naked honesty). So even though I was petrified of falling back, I also deep inside of me secretly entertained and found pleasure in the thought. God showed me to confess that as the sin it was. After that He showed me to realign my faith not to associate any more with anything that the Bible does not ascribe to my new identity – the truth of Gal 2:20 was brought home to me very clearly. That also caused me to understand even more clearly to live close to Him. When these things were done, the temptations fell away immediately. I was over-awed. Nothing convinced me of God’s power like that did. I knew the power that homosexuality had had on me. To think a simple confession of my secret enjoyment of a sin, and then the turning away from a lie to the truth of God’s Word could break that! I tried so often to break it, yet God’s Word broke it just like that.
I never shared my background with anybody until one night when one of my friends shared with me her agony because of her brother who was gay. Without realising I was exposing myself I explained to her what he was struggling with and told her how she could help him. Afterwards she looked at me and asked: “How do you know all these things?” I didn’t answer, I just excused myself and left. Yet God spoke to me, telling me that I lied to her, I owed her an answer. So I had to go back the next day and confessed that I came from a homosexual background myself, telling her of my inner struggle the previous few years.That was the first time I ever shared with anybody. Shortly after that, while I was on a missions camp, God clearly guided me to share my testimony with the group of students on the camp with me. Afterwards one man came to me and confessed that he was struggling with homosexuality. That was the beginning of my involvement in a ministry to homosexual people.
Today, 19 years after I first gave my life to God, I am still grateful to God for the wonderful work He has done in my life. I am not proud of my past, but then, what sin can anyone be proud of? I love Christ with all my heart for dying for me and setting me free from sin. I gladly pass that message on to others that also struggle. I know without any doubt that there is freedom from homosexuality – real, lasting freedom from both the outward expression of homosexuality and the inward drive to it. I do not even see myself as ex-gay. I am just another Christian, and ex-sinner like all the others! All of us come from a sinful background, and all of us need Christ in our lives. None of us have only one sin to deal with, our old nature is saturated with sin. Only in dying with Christ daily can we be set free from sin and live with Him a life free from the dominion of sin, full of the peace and joy of God. Praise be to Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour.
Mariana van der Walt
May 1997
Total Transformation
PO Box 15669
Vlaeberg 8018
Cape Town
South Africa
Tel +27-21-241218