My Experience WITH A.I.D.S. My Experience with A.I.D.S.
by Robert Winter
“Through facing trials, fears and pain, I have learned that Godis always there to comfort me and help me through the hard times.”
“Have a seat, Bob,” my doctor said. He paused, looking at mesoberly. “Your test result came back positive. You have been exposedto the virus that causes AIDS. “Now, it’s important for you torealize what this means,” he continued. “It doesn’t mean you willnecessarily get AIDS. But the HIV virus is in your blood. As aresult, your immune system has created antibodies to it.” The yearwas 1985. It had been two years since I decided to leave the gaylifestyle, but now my secret fear was coming true. The AIDS virus hadinvaded my body. I was in the eighth grade when I had my firsthomosexual experience with one of the older guys at boarding school.My confused adolescent fantasies included sex with men and womenafter that. A second homosexual encounter during my first year ofBible college seemed to confirm what I’d suspected for years.
I must be gay, I thought. My friends seldom talked about sex. Ifelt they could never help or tolerate someone with my feelings.Homosexuality seemed too evil a subject to talk about. So I hid myproblem, saying nothing to anyone.
Finally, I couldn’t stand the hypocrisy I felt between my outwardChristianity and my inner homosexual longings. The gay lifestyleappeared to offer love and acceptance, a place where I would finallybelong. I quit college and plunged into the gay life. Over the next12 years, I got heavily involved in drugs, alcohol and deep levels ofsexual perversion in an attempt to deny the emptiness in my life.
Satan twisted my soul and personality until my behavior disgustedand shocked even me. But instead of love, acceptance and belonging, Ionly developed deeper levels of insecurity and self-hatred.
By the age of 30 I had the things that should have made me happy:a good job, my own home, and a 21-year-old lover who really cared forme. Yet none of this satisfied me. I wasn’t even capable of beingfaithful to my lover and ended the relationship. All the thingssociety implied would make me happy had failed.
One day, my mother gave me a sermon tape from her church. For thefirst time, I heard of men and women who had come out ofhomosexuality. God used that tape to soften my heart and to give mehope that change was possible. I went for counseling and experiencedthe power of God as He began changing and restoring my life.
For several months, my homosexual feelings vanished. My gaystruggles are over, I thought naively. I’ll never be troubled byhomosexuality again.
But then all the old feelings came back. I sought counseling atchurch, but the counselor didn’t really understand homosexuality. Hefelt that I shouldn’t share with my friends what I was going through,and this made things even worse.
Soon I started going to parks and places where I could engage inanonymous sexual behavior. The conflict inside was terrible. Eventhough I wanted to serve the Lord, I couldn’t stop my sin. The pain Ifelt was like slashing myself with a knife. I knew God held meresponsible for my actions, but I felt powerless to break theaddiction.
Because of the strain on my life and emotions, I started toseriously consider suicide. Thankfully God put people into my life toencourage me. Although they didn’t know much about homosexuality,they gave me unconditional love and helped me to persevere. I criedout to God, and couldn’t understand why He didn’t seem to answer.Only later did I realize He was preparing help for me all along.
God brought me to a ministry for people who struggle withhomosexuality. Their 18-week course changed my life by restoring myhope. For the first time I met people who had successfully left thegay lifestyle, including some who were happily married. Thepossibility of change and wholeness became a reality to me.
But during this period of new hope, my energy level plummeted. Iwent for tests. Two weeks later, my doctor informed me I testedpositive to the HIV virus. It didn’t seem fair and I cried out toGod. “I’m finally getting some help and now this!”
Initially I felt angry at God and considered going back into thelifestyle. I had tried so hard, and now I might get AIDS. In my angerI even had thoughts of just going crazy and having sex with as manypeople as possible, as some sort of twisted revenge on God and life.It seemed that God had deserted me. “If God genuinely loved me, Hewouldn’t have let me get sick,” I said to myself. I felt He waspunishing me for not being good enough. As I worked through thesefeelings, I realized it was my choice to go into the gay lifestyle.My illness was a result of my sexual sin.
Also I realized my exposure to the virus had probably occurredbefore I returned to the Lord. He knew I would become ill and broughtme help because He loved me. Jesus died on the cross for me andforgave my sins, but He didn’t promise to take away all the physicalconsequences of those sins.
When I tested positive in 1985, I was told that only about 20% ofthe people who tested positive would actually get AIDS. Currently thefigure quoted is around 70% and some physicians believe it willeventually be 100%. From a purely medical viewpoint the outlook isnot encouraging.
Fortunately there is a great deal of work being done to find acure. The doctors are getting better at prolonging and improving thelife of AIDS patients. Even more important is the fact that God isnot limited by man’s knowledge. As a Christian I know all things arepossible with Christ. I believe that God does physically heal peopletoday. I have learned to be persistent in praying for my physicalhealing and to believe that it is possible.
After all, if God has the power to create this entire universe andto raise people from the dead, He can certainly destroy a small virusin my body.
Yet I have also learned not to equate being healed with receivingGod’s love. I know deep in my heart that God loves me. He will dowhat’s best for my life.
In June of 1987, I developed PCP (Pneumocystis Carinii Pneumonia)which classified me as having “full-blown” AIDS. I don’t know if Godis going to heal me or take me home, but He is always there tocomfort me.
One of the lessons God taught me was not to suppress the emotionsof fear and grief. At first I tried, but that only made things worse.Instead I try to follow the example of David in the Psalms. He isalways honest with God about where he is at. First he is honest abouthow he feels and then he focuses on how wonderful God is and what Hehas done.
It has been better for me to cry with my loved ones about how muchit will hurt if God takes me home, rather then glossing over it andnever discussing it. Only when I am willing to face fear and griefcan Jesus come into the situation and bring me comfort. But if Irefuse to talk about my feelings, communication and intimacy with myloved ones are blocked.
My life on earth will seem like a moment when compared witheternity. Learning to deal with AIDS and to trust the Lord since mydiagnosis has brought me deeper peace and joy than I thoughtpossible.
Through facing trials, fears and pain, I have learned that God isalways there to comfort me and help me through the hard times. If Ilet myself remain in an attitude of self-pity or anger, it blocks thepeace, joy and comfort that He has for me. Regardless of whether I amhealed or taken to heaven, I know that facing AIDS has brought mecloser to God than ever. The more I can develop a meaningfulrelationship with Him in this life, the better I will be able toserve Him during eternity. Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lordand whose trust is the Lord. For he will be like a tree planted bythe water, that extends its roots by a stream and will not fear whenthe heat comes; but its leaves will be green, and it will not beanxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit. (Jeremiah17:7-8)
Bob went home to be with the Lord in July, 1989. Copyright c1987 by Robert Winter. Distributed by Love In Action, PO Box 753307Memphis, TN 38175-3307; 901/542-0250