Set Free to Serve Set Free to Serve
By Roberta Laurila
God doesn’t expect me to quit loving women, I reasoned. But Icouldn’t stop without supernatural help.
Right from the day of my birth, there was a hint of futureproblems. When my mother first saw me, she expressed her love for me,then remembered she only had a boy’s name chosen. Thus Robert becameRoberta.
During childhood, my mother’s heart condition and cripplingarthritis kept her from doing the usual things with me that myfriend’s mothers did. I became a loner and daydreamer. At the age ofeight, I was imitating everything my older brother did, from smokingcigarettes to dating girls.
When I was ten, I “fell in love” for the very first time with mylady school teacher. This crush lasted for three years until ourpaths separated when I began my freshman year in high school. Myheart was grieved until I met a beautiful brunette in my class andnew love sprang up in my heart. Of course I couldn’t speak of thislove to anyone. I began to realize that somehow, I was different. Mywhole being cried out to love and be loved. Living with my secretlongings through those teen years was so difficult.
I tried being like my friends and began dating young men when myfather would allow it. When he wouldn’t, I became angry andrebellious. I built a bad reputation for myself and as the small towntongues began wagging, I started withdrawing, antagonistic towardall.
My Christian mother was very patient during those years, but myfather was under conviction for not accepting the Lord. His cursingraged out of control nearly every night as he verbally abused mymother. These times sent me into a rage. It was during this time inmy life that I decided no man would ever treat me like that.
I also rejected my father for getting mom pregnant again. She wasin ill health and she hadn’t wanted another child. I had also heardmany stories of my father’s first wife dying at childbirth and thatfilled me with fears of having children. No way was that for me.
Then at sixteen, my “steady” boyfriend tried to rape me. Thatevent really confirmed to me that sex was filthy and an abomination.
After high school, all my girl friends were getting married. Ibecame fearful of being left out. In desperation, I gave in to mybrother’s suggestion to meet one of his friends, twelve years olderthan myself. In less than three months, I married this man whom Ididn’t even love. After two years, I divorced him and began writingto a man in the Armed Forces who had loved me before my marriage. Thedecision to marry him came when I learned he would soon be going toGermany in active combat. I could receive an allotment check andwouldn’t have to live with him. What a farce! Less than two yearslater, he came home and I soon divorced him.
Not long after, the Holy Spirit began to convict me of my sin. Ihad attended tent meetings in a Pentecostal church when I was a childand marched to the front night after night to get saved. But I’dgiven it all up when I realized I couldn’t be good in the daysfollowing.
When I began to feel pangs of guilt, this made Satan angry. Soonafter, I was introduced to a lesbian who had been in that lifestyle along time and knew the ropes. She was a bad influence on me and soonI began drinking, which I had never done. The second night, sheinvited me to spend the night with her. I began meeting otherlesbians and partying far too much. Not long after, I was fired frommy job.
I soon met a girl who was my “type” and we lived together foreight years. Because of the guilt and drinking, my fits of jealousyand temper became uncontrollable. Then I left my first friend andbegan living with another. After a year, I nearly killed her in thecar after drinking too much wine. Needless to say, she left me forgood.
I was home alone the afternoon of October 7, 1955. With fear andpanic in my heart, I made the decision to take my own life. I was tooashamed to commit myself to an institution to find help for mytroubled mind. Pride was still very much alive, even though I thoughtI was beyond help. I wondered how to call my friend to ask herforgiveness. I wanted so much to be forgiven, but it seemed out ofthe question.
I started for the kitchen to turn on the gas jets. I had alreadyhad a few drinks to try to give me courage. Just before I entered thekitchen door, I fell to my knees in front of a chair. With tearsstreaming down my face, I cried out, “God forgive me. God forgiveme!”
Only later did I realize that I was saved at that moment. The HolySpirit came to live within me, and began leading me in ways thatconfirmed my salvation. But in rebellion, I still held onto my oldfriends.
I had two lesbian relationships after my salvation. God doesn’texpect me to quit loving women, I reasoned. Of course, I couldn’tstop without supernatural help. And I didn’t have anyone else tohelp. This was years before God raised up former homosexuals to beginministries.
Ten years after I received Jesus as my Savior, I was still livingin sin. God began allowing me to feel the consequences of myrebellion. I could not have survived the trauma that followed withoutthe Lord’s care and mercy. God allowed the devil to pour out hiswrath in such a devastating way. I still shudder at his trickery.With demonic signs and wonders, Satan convinced me that God waswanting me to live with another woman while involved in Christianministry.
The climax came following the suicidal death of a dear friend whomI had betrayed. It was from that shocking emotional experience thatmy stubborn will was broken. I promised God that I would not let herdeath be for nothing. Then came the vision.
While living in what seemed to be a hell on earth with my lover,God came to me one night. I was alone and in deep despair. The Lordgave me a spiritual vision of a worldwide ministry. This outreachwould reach homosexuals who wanted a close relationships with JesusChrist and who wanted to be set free from their sin.
As the vision unfolded, I knew God was saying I must leave thislifestyle forever. I was to begin interceding for Him to raise upindividuals from the gay lifestyle and others, truly called by Him,to begin specific ministries to homosexuals. Six years after thevision, God directed me to write my personal testimony of deliverancefrom lesbianism. My story, entitled Gay Liberation, was published inbook form in 1975. It was the first of its kind and not manybookstores would accept it, due to the subject which was “hush-hush”at the time.
Much has happened since that time. While I continued to intercede,God began calling forth former gays to minister. God has blessed myfriendships with many of the “pioneers” in the Exodus movement, suchas Frank Worthen, Robbi Kenney, Ed Hurst and others. I have beenblessed also to see many ministries begin in foreign soil. What awonderful God he is! God has kept me at a low profile. At times, Ihave rebelled concerning this. But deep down, I know I was called tointercede for others to be led by the Holy Spirit into all the world.
Even as I write these words, tears are flowing down my cheeks.Surely God will complete His perfect plan to reach the many millionsof the lost who have been so rejected and lonely so many years. Iweep for the church, blinded by the enemy so it cannot see the needto reach gays. So many Christians cannot truly believe that God canset these people free. My great desire now is to reach those in thegay church. I am believing God to also work a miracle there. Our Godreigns!
Roberta is a pioneer in the ex-gay movement. She came out oflesbianism long before there were any ex-gay ministries. In 1969, Godgave her a vision of a worldwide ministry to homosexuals, which Hebrought to fulfillment in 1975. Her own story of freedom, GayLiberation, was published in 1975 and was the first ex-gay testimonybook ever published. Distributed by Love In Action, PO Box 753307,Memphis, TN 38175-3307; 901/542-0250