How To Win Your Unsaved Spouse
The following message was delivered at Grace Community Church in Panorama City, California, By John MacArthur Jr. It was transcribed from the tape, GC 60-31, titled “How to Win Your Unsaved Spouse” A copy of the tape can be obtained by writing, Word of Grace, P.O. Box 4000, Panorama City, CA 91412.
I have made every effort to ensure that an accurate transcription of the original tape was made. Please note that at times sentence structure may appear to vary from accepted English conventions. This is due primarily to the techniques involved in preaching and the obvious choices I had to make in placing the correct punctuation in the article.
It is my intent and prayer that the Holy Spirit will use this transcription of the sermon, “How to Win Your Unsaved Spouse” to strengthen and encourage the true Church of Jesus Christ.
Scriptures quoted in this message are from the New American Standard Bible (NASB), unless otherwise noted. For clarity, some of the NASB verses were transcribed using the New International Version (NIV) taken from the HOLY BIBLE: NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION (C) 1978 by the New York Bible Society, used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers.
HOW TO WIN YOUR UNSAVED SPOUSE
I. Introduction
Tonight, in our study of the Word of God, we come to a very important subject and a very important text. I want to encourage you to open your Bible now to 1Peter 3. In 1Peter 3:1-7, we have the subject, “How to Win Your Unsaved Spouse; How to Lead Your Partner to Christ; How to Witness or Give Testimony to Your Mate.” This is a very instructive passage, a very important one. One that applies to all of us, either directly or indirectly, because we are either married to an unsaved person, or we know someone who is, and have the opportunity to share these truths, I trust, with them.
Now as we approach the passage, let me give you just a basic grasp on the flow of thought in this epistle, because it is necessary for interpretation. One of the elements of Bible interpretation is context. You cannot interpret any given passage apart from the context of other passages in which it is set. Now Peter is writing to some Christians. Christians who have been scattered and are undergoing certain persecutions. In fact, those persecutions are, in some cases, quite severe. So Peter is writing to persecuted Christians with the goal in mind of encouraging them. Encouraging them on how to live in the midst of a hostile society. How to conduct yourselves in a world that is set against you.
Generally, he tells them to sort of elevate themselves and turn towards their living hope in Christ. In other words, “Get out of the world mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and focus on what is eternal and what is heavenly. Keep your mind on the eternal Christ, keep your mind on His glorious future for you, on His glorious resources. Don’t get caught up in the fuss down here, get your focus upward.”
Now he directs their attention in three ways. In the first part of the book he says, “Now I want you to focus on your living hope in Christ, first of all, by remembering your great salvation.” And in 1:1 through 2:11, he focuses on remembering our great salvation, which is the basis for our future hope. Secondly, he moves from the past to the present, and from 2:12 on, he basically says, “Remember your example before men.” In the past remember the great salvation which provided your living hope, in the present you remember your responsibility to be an example before men, and that subject goes from 2:12 all the way through verse 4:6. And we are in the middle of that section.
And he saying, “In the midst of hostility and persecutions, rejection, in a society that doesn’t believe the way you do and makes it difficult for you, remember the necessity of your example before men.” And then the final section of this great epistle, from 4:7, says, “Look to the future and remember that Jesus is Coming.”
So you have three perspectives in looking at your living hope; remember your past salvation; remember your present witness; and remember in the future that Jesus is coming. That’s how we are to live. Now we find ourselves, as I have said, in this middle section. We are discussing this whole matter of living in the world, in such a way, as to reach the world for Jesus Christ. It is important that we maintain our testimony.
Now the bottom line is this, that if we are going to have an exemplary testimony in the world, the hostile world, and if we are going to be used to win people to Christ, then our lives have to be characterized by a certain basic characteristic. What is it? Would you notice verse 13, the first word, “Submit.” Verse 18, “Servants be submissive.” Chapter 3, verse 1, “Wives be submissive.”
Now what Peter says is this, you are going to be caught up in a hostile world, and that hostile world will manifest itself in all social relationships, of which there are three primary ones, the government, the workplace, and the family. Those are the three social environments in which we live, going from the greater to the lesser.
The biggest social environment in which we live here is the United States of America, and we are therefore answerable to the government, and the government of the state as well, and the city, and the local municipalities, and so forth. The next arena of social relationship in which we exist is our workplace. We have responsibility within our employment to submit ourselves to those in authority over us. The smallest location of our social involvement is in the family. And in each case he says submit.
In 2:13 he says, “Submit to the government.” In 2:18 he says, “Submit to your employer.” And in 3:1, in regard to marriage, he says, “Submit to your partner.” The bottom line in our testimony in this society in which we live, is submission. That’s the key word.
You will notice also in verse 7, it says, “You husbands, likewise.” And the “likewise” picks up the same thought of submission. Now this is a very basic and essential concept. If we are to have an impact in our culture, then we must submit to the social order, to the social structure, and the social patterns that God has designed. We cannot be rebels. We cannot demand our rights. We cannot feel superior to social order. Now let me review the problem for you just briefly.
II. The Problem
A person becomes a Christian, immediately because they are a child of God; and because they now have a higher authority, namely the Lord Jesus Christ; and because they now have a higher standard of living, the Bible; and because they are now citizens of Heaven; and because there is a sense in which they have been translated out of this world, they could easily feel, first of all, superior to their society. As a result of that, they could be indifferent to the dictates of that society.
They could say, “Look I belong to God, I am a Christian, I am a citizen of Heaven, I don’t belong here, I am a stranger and an alien, as it says back in verse 11, and I am really not interested in paying any attention to governmental laws. I am not interested in coming under the authority of any employer, and I am certainly not interested in listening to some unsaved spouse, or deferring to them. I live on another plain.”
You could feel sovereign over the law, sovereign over your employer, you could feel sovereign over your mate, and that is the very opposite of what you ought to feel. You see, we have been left here for one reason, and that is an evangelistic purpose. We are here to make Christ known to this society. We are here to make Christ known in the workplace. We are here to make Christ known in the family. Those are the three environments of our existence. And the principles of conduct are given here, that can lead to the most effective Christian testimony.
If we want to be effective in the society in which we live, if we want to be effective in the state, then we must submit, verse 13 says, to every human institution. In other words, we must show that we are not rebels, we are not problematic, we are not superior, we are not indifferent to society’s order, we are submissive. We are model citizens.
In verse 18, we are to be model employees, submissive to our masters, with all respect, whether they are good and gentle, or whether they are unreasonable.
III. The Question
And now we come to this third and smallest area of social responsibility, the family. And the question is, “What does a wife do when she is married to an unsaved husband? What does a husband do when he is married to an unsaved wife? Does he feel superior? Does he lord it over her? Does he treat her with indifference because she is not a citizen of the Kingdom? And what does she do? Does she reject his authority who is a non-Christian husband, because she has another authority, Christ? Does she demand her rights, both physical and spiritual, because she has now been elevated? What is the proper responsibility of each partner when married to an unbeliever?”
Now please notice, these verses, in chapter 3, are not a discourse on male and female status. They are not a discourse on Christian marriage. This is not even a discussion of Christian marriage. This is a discussion of a mixed marriage, where you have a Christian partner and a non-Christian partner. That’s the whole context here. How does a Christian live in an Unchristian society? How does a Christian live in a non-Christian place of employment? How does a Christian live with a non-Christian partner? That’s the whole context of this passage.
How do we relate in this most significant of human institutions, marriage, when we have a partner who is not a Christian? This is a very, very, important matter. Now remember, we are to live a certain way in our society, why? “So that people will observe our lives,” says verse 12, “And glorify God in the day of visitation.” In other words, they will be saved. We are also to be submissive to our masters or our employers, for this will find favor with God. How? By making gospel truth real, as people can see it through our lives. And the same is true in the family.
IV. Wives with Unsaved Husbands
Now we begin with wives, and Peter, I want you to understand is not bias, but he gives six verses to wives, and one verse to husbands. Now somebody might say, “That’s a little out of balance.” But it isn’t, and there is every important reason why, and that is because when a wife became a Christian, the potential for difficulty in the marriage was much greater than when the husband became a Christian. Because a husband was already in charge anyway. And in that society if a husband became a Christian, the wife would dutifully accept that since she had no mind of her own, at least she was not allowed to have one. So the potential for conflict was greatly lessened.
- The Roman View of Women
But when a woman, who was viewed as a slave or an animal, and not much more, became a Christian, independently of her husband, the potential for conflict and embarrassment, and difficulty was much greater, and that is why Peter gives much more attention to that particular problem. Becoming a Christian can pose some serious problems today, it posed some serious problems then. A woman becomes a Christian, and all of a sudden, she feels superior to her husband. She feels, now that she knows what the Bible teaches and belongs to God, she knows so much more than he does, how can he be the leader in the family?
Not only that, she keeps meeting these wonderful men at church, who are fine outstanding Christians, and she becomes envious of them and she becomes indifferent to her own husband, and much more attracted to other men who love Christ, because she sees in that the potential for such a wonderful life. This can lead to great serious problems.
In the Greek culture, in which Peter lived, and the people of course to whom he wrote were scattered in the Greek world, for a woman to change her religion, without her husband doing it, was unthinkable. Why? Because in Peter’s day, women were treated like sheep and goats. Their opinion was considered irrelevant, immaterial, and unwanted. There was a basic principle called “Patriis Protestis” [sp.] and what it meant was, while single and living in her father’s house, a woman was under her father’s power. He could literally kill her if he wanted. And when she became married, she was under her husband’s power and her could literally kill her if he wanted, and in both cases there was no legal recourse.
So the woman was thought of as merely as one who served the needs of the male population. But all of a sudden a woman, let’s say, becomes a Christian. And she understands the principle of Galatians 3:28 which says, “In Christ there is neither male or female, we are all one in Christ.” She realizes that, in Christ, she has reached a level of living, that her unsaved husband knows nothing about. She is free in Christ; she has a new Lord and a new master, and it would be easy for her to treat her husband with disdain, with indifference, or even with rejection.
If she is not careful, he can become very distasteful to her and even repulsive. But this is no different than the situation of a worker, who has an ungodly employer, who feels the surge to put him in his place, who feels superior because of conversion. The society, in which Peter lived, would say things like this, this is an old quote, “Women must remain indoors and obey their husbands.” I mean, that is what they thought of women. Women were often abused, they were often killed.
So it was important then to realize what life must have been for a woman who became a Christian, independently of her husband. The abuse could escalate. It would be immensely embarrassing to the husband, because no woman ever did that independently of her husband. So he would be very embarrassed among his peers. He would be very nonplussed about this mystical relationship she had with this Jesus Christ. For her to be bold enough and brave enough to do that could put her in a position where she would suffer abuse.
In the early church there were lots of secretive meetings, and some are prone to think they were secrets not only to hide from the government but to hide from the husbands, because there were many women who gave their lives to Christ. So the reason that Peter directs these six verses at women is precisely because of this potentially difficult social problem. And again I say that if a man came to Christ, well the woman tacitly, at least outwardly, if not inwardly, would affirm Christ. She really didn’t have an opinion in that culture anyway, so it wasn’t of great consequence. He would still be in charge, he would still be the authority, so there wouldn’t be quite the difficulty. But for a woman to come to Christ would be extremely problematic. So that’s the issue.
B. The Wife’s Mission
How then does a Christian wife relate to her unsaved husband? In such a way as to fulfill her mission. And what is her mission? What’s our mission? To win people to Christ. How is she to conduct herself to win that unsaved husband to Jesus Christ? Lets look at the answer here in our text. Before we see what Peter tells her to do, let’s see what Peter doesn’t tell her to do, all right?
C. What She is Not to Do
- Don’t Leave Him
He doesn’t tell the Christian wife, please note this, to leave her husband. He doesn’t tell her that. He doesn’t say, “Now that you are a Christian, get out of there and find yourself a Christian man. Find somebody who thinks like you do, who loves Christ like you do, have a happy union with that person. Shake that husband and get out!” No, he doesn’t say that. And it is a good thing he doesn’t say that because it would be wrong. 1Corinthians 7:13, do you remember this, “A woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, let her not send her husband away.” What does that word mean in the Greek, let her not what? Divorce him. If you have an unsaved husband, don’t divorce him. Paul says that’s forbidden by God. In fact, the next verse, 1Corinthians 7:14 says, “The unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife.”
In other words, the Blessing of God will spill over on that man, just because God is blessing you, he’ll get the benefit. You see, a non-Christian man married to a Christian, doesn’t know how fortunate he is. Because she is a child of God, and God is pouring out blessing on her, because she is so blessed and she is so enriched, he benefits. It doesn’t mean he gets salvation through that means, it simply means outwardly, in this life, he is blessed. This is not inward sanctification but outward grace, it spills over on him because of her.
So the unsaved husband may stay, and if he wants to stay, then that believing wife, should let him stay. That’s God’s plan. You say, “What if he wants to leave?” Same text, 1Corinthians 7, it says, “If the unbelieving one leaves,” verse 15, “let him leave.” The brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.” If he wants out, you got to let him go, you are not in bondage. That is, the bond is broken. For verse 16, “For how do you know, oh wife, whether you will save your husband? Or husband, how do you know whether you will save your wife?” In other words, the point is this, if he wants to stay, let him stay. But, if he wants out, because he can’t tolerate your Christian testimony, then let him go. And then you say, “Now wait a minute, I want him to stay so he will get saved.” And Paul says, “Now look, you will have nothing but war in the house, and that is counterproductive, and you don’t really know whether he will get saved anyway. So don’t try to hold that thing together if it creates confusion and chaos. That’s the point.
So Peter says basically the same thing by saying nothing. He doesn’t tell the woman to leave. Don’t rebel, don’t leave. Stay, and do all you can to win that husband, but if that husband wants out and leaves you, then you are not under bondage anymore, the marriage is broken. Don’t fight “tooth and nail” to hold it together, thinking you are going to lead him to Christ, in an uncomfortable, chaotic, confused, warlike environment. That’s not productive.
2. Don’t Preach at Him
Second thing that he doesn’t say. He doesn’t tell her to preach at him. He doesn’t tell her to argue with him. He doesn’t tell her to harangue about the gospel. He doesn’t tell her to put Bible verses on the bottom of his beer cans. He doesn’t tell her to put evangelistic tracts under the pillow in his bed. He doesn’t tell her to badger him about the gospel. He doesn’t tell her to call her pastor, and have the pastor come to the house some night when she knows that he is home alone, loaded with all of his guns. Peter doesn’t tell her that. He doesn’t say glue Bible verses on the refrigerator. He doesn’t say anything like that.
3. Don’t Demand Your Rights
Thirdly, he doesn’t tell her, she is now equal to the man, so she should demand her rights. He doesn’t say that either. She is equal, of course, to any other believer, spiritually, but she still has a marital role to fulfill. In Christ, there is neither male nor female, they are one. But in marriage there is headship and there is submission.
D. What She is to Do
So you say, “Well, what does he tell her?” Well, let’s find out. Verse 1, “In the same way you wives, be submissive to your own husbands, so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word,” that is they are unsaved, “they may be won without a word, by the behavior of their wives.” That’s the basic point. He says if you want to win that husband to Christ, if you want to do all you can, and only God knows whether that will happen, but if you want to make the maximum impact on the life on an unsaved man, then be a “submissive wife.”
That’s it! If you want to make a maximum impact on the society in which you live, then be a model submissive citizen. If you want to make the maximum impact in your job, then be a model submissive employee. And if you want to make a maximum impact on your unsaved husband, be a model submissive wife. It’s the same principle.
- Be Submissive
Three specific duties are outlined here, let’s look at them very briefly. Number 1, submission and its intention, and that is verse 1, “In the same manner,” he says, or it could be translated, “likewise.” “In the same manner,” as who, verse 13, the same manner as citizens submitting, verse 18, the same manner as employees submitting. Here it says, “In the same manner,” or likewise you wives be submissive. “Hupotasso” means to be in subjection, to line up under, it is used in military contexts, realize that you have to take your place as subordinate to the leadership and the headship of your husband. This is God’s design for marriage. Women are not inferior in character, they are not inferior in intelligence, they are not inferior in virtue, they are not inferior in spirituality, they are not inferior in giftedness, they are not inferior in any way period. They have been simply given a role that puts them in the place of submission to a headship, which is residing in their husbands.
Please note this, “Be submissive to your own husbands.” And every time in the Bible when such an injunction is made, always it says your own husband. Always the possessive pronoun is there, the intensive possessive pronoun. “Be submissive to your own husbands,” which speaks of the intimacy and the bonding of marriage. This is God’s design. That’s of course what 1Corinthians 11:5 says, Christ, of course is the head of man, and God is the head of Christ, the man is the head of the woman. That’s what Paul wrote to Timothy, “I permit not women to teach, nor to be in authority, not to take authority over men, they are to learn in all subjection” 1Timothy 2:11-14.
Now, the reason for this is so that, verse 1, “Even if any of them are disobedient to the word.” By the way, it is a first class conditional in the Greek, which means that it is a reality. It could be translated “since they are disobedient to the word.” It assumes that, that is the case, and “the word” here, I think, means “the gospel,” the word of reconciliation, and the word of salvation. They are basically unregenerate, disobedient to the gospel. The issue is, submit to them anyway, just as you submit to government, just as you submit on the job, for the sake of their salvation.
Look at the end of verse 1, “in order that, they may be won without a word, by the behavior of their wives.” Now please note this, he is not saying that they will be saved without “the word,” not at all. Because, back in 1Peter 1, do you remember what he said in verse 23? “You have been born again not of seed which is perishable, but imperishable, that is through the living and abiding Word of God.
Salvation comes through “The Word.” What he is saying here is, “That they may be won without ‘a word,’ not ‘The Word.'” They can only be won with “The Word,” but from the wife’s viewpoint, it is more important, “what you are,” than, “what you say.” That’s the whole point.
They are lost because they obey not “The Word.” But they might be saved without “a word.” What do you mean by that? Without conversation; without harassment from the wife, simply by the behavior of their wives. My, what a wonderful, wonderful insight. The lovely, gracious, gentle, submission of a Christian woman to her unsaved husband, is the strongest evangelistic tool she has. It is not what she says, it is what she is.
The woman is to submit to her husband’s leadership. That is a God designed principle. “Wives submit to your husbands,” Ephesians 5:22, “Wives submit to your husbands,” and in each case your own husband, Colossians 3:18. The same thing comes from Paul in Titus 2:4 and 5, “Young women are to be subject to their own husbands.” Again, that possessive pronoun is there every time such a statement is made.
The woman is to submit to the husband’s leadership. This is her greatest tool of evangelism. The virtue of her wifely character. You might be interested to note too, that this contributes to the happy marriage. Obviously, the Bible wouldn’t advocate it if it didn’t. I was interested in reading a MaGill University, Department of Psychiatry report, MaGill University is a great Canadian University in the city of Montreal.
And in the report from the Psychiatry Department of MaGill it said, “In the most successful marriages, the husband is emotionally stronger than the wife. And there is a clear cut division of authority and responsibility between them. It was noted that in marriages where wives were emotionally dependent on their husbands, almost always produced happier, better adjusted children.” Obviously, that’s true, because that’s consistent with God’s design.
2. Be Faithful
The first duty of the wife then, is submission. To put it another way, voluntary selflessness and dependence. There is a second responsibility in verse 2, let’s call this “faithfulness.” Number one is “submission,” number two is “faithfulness.” Verse 2 says, “As they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.” Now that’s a very basic spiritual truth for a marriage. He’s talking here about a pure life.
What does “chaste and respectful” behavior mean? Well, basically it means, irreproachable conduct. Faithful to her God, faithful to her husband. Don’t break trust. Do you want to win your unsaved husband? One be submissive, two, be faithful, that’s what chaste, respectful behavior means. Chaste means pure, it means that you are not “fooling around” with anybody else. It means that you are pure. Respectful, it means that you have respect for him. You demonstrate that respect. You never “get involved” with anyone else, and you show him proper respect.
3. Be Modest
The third principle, comes in verses 3-6, and it is modesty. You have submission and it’s intention, which is to bring him to Christ. You have faithfulness, in verse 2, and then you have modesty. Please notice verse 3, 4, 5, and 6. In verse 3 it says, “Let not your adornment be merely external, braiding the hair and wearing gold jewelry or putting on dresses.”
Now, he comes to a very important matter, for the Christian wife, trying to win her unsaved husband. He says, “Look, the normal,” I want to say this, knowing there is a risk involved, “. . .the normal preoccupation of women is with the outside.” And I think that we would all agree with that, certainly in our society, the normal preoccupation of women is with the outside adornment.
He says, “Let not your adornment be merely external.” You say, “Is he against combing hair?” I don’t think so. You say, “Is he against wearing gold jewelry?” I don’t think so. I don’t think that he is against that, after all, the beautiful woman, the bride in Song of Solomon, was bejeweled, and wonderfully so. Is he against putting on dresses? No, I don’t think so. What he is saying is, “Let that not be your incessant preoccupation, to the disregard to the character inside.”
Boy, they got really carried away, and I don’t have time to give you all the insight, but in the Greek and Roman world there was an immense preoccupation with the outside. Cosmetics were big. Have you ever seen the “punk rockers” with the purple hair, and the green hair and all that? Nothing new, they had it in Greece. In the Roman time, women dyed their hair purple, and they dyed their hair red, and green, and yellow, and all kind of colors. They waved it. They braided it elaborately. They piled it higher, and higher, and higher, and higher, in one of those “beehive” things.
They wore wigs, and they were especially fond of wigs made of blond hair, taken from people outside of their particular part of the world. They wore hairbands, they wore pins, they wore combs, they wore ivory Tortoise shell jewelry in their hair. They wore gold and pearls, silk, and emeralds, and diamonds, and all that kind of stuff. They really “laid it on.” It wasn’t any different than the “fashion plate” mentality of today. People literally tied fortunes up in their clothing. And since they were pretty well decked from neck to feet in a garment, most of it showed up on their face and their head, where it could be seen, and where their wealth and their pride could manifest itself most visibly.
This isn’t anything new, listen to the Lord’s indictment of Israel, in Isaiah 3, listen to this, “In that day,” verse 18, “the Lord will snatch away their finery: the bangles and headbands and crescent necklaces, the earrings and bracelets and veils, the headdresses and ankle chains and sashes, the perfume bottles and charms, the signet rings and nose rings, the fine robes and the capes and cloaks, the purses and mirrors, and the linen garments and tiaras and shawls. Instead of fragrance there will be a stench; instead of a sash, a rope; instead of well-dressed hair, baldness; instead of fine clothing, sackcloth; instead of beauty, branding” (NIV). Pretty straight forward stuff, right?
Women have always tended, fallen women, to be preoccupied with the outside. But that’s not the true beauty. And I will promise you ladies, that external beauty does not capture the heart of the husband, if there is nothing on the inside. Peter doesn’t condemn all outward adornment, but what does he say? Verse 4, “Let your adornment be the hidden person of the heart.” That’s where the true beauty is. Hey, when you got married, it wasn’t long before you really weren’t too conscious of what she looked liked. But you became very conscious of what she was like inside. That’s the true beauty.
Christianity has always existed in a world of luxury and a world of decadence, and Peter says, “Don’t you spend your time and money adorning your body.” And you know that is a temptation. Here is a woman, she’s got an unsaved husband, she doesn’t have much of a happy relationship with him, and so she simply turns the other direction and spends her life indulging herself to make her external beauty all that it could possibly be and more.
Peter says, “Don’t do that. That’s not how you win him to Christ.” If you are going to be preoccupied, let it be with the hidden person of the heart. What do you mean? I mean the inner person, the inner person, character, virtue. “I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God” (NIV), 1Timothy 2:9- 10. Work on the virtue of your life, work on your character, that will make you far more beautiful. By the way, the most beautiful women on the inside tend to be very beautiful on the outside, have you noticed?
Have you ever noticed how makeup can’t change an ugly disposition? And have you noticed how makeup can’t enhance a beautiful disposition? What is it that we are to do in adorning the inner person? Look again at verse 4, “You are to adorn the inner person with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit.” Gentle means meek, quiet means just that, peaceful, calm, in control. The word spirit means disposition.
The most beautiful kind of woman is the woman with a meek, gentle, peaceful, calm, quiet disposition. That is the inner virtue that a woman is to pursue, and that is what wins the heart of a man. Not only that, would you please notice, “It is precious in the sight of,” whom? “Of God.” It is highly valued by God (1Peter 3:4). Now again, he is not forbidding all outward adornment. He is saying that you must work on the inside. Don’t confuse spirituality with tackiness or sloppiness. That calls attention to the outside and betrays a heart that is unconcerned to reflect the beauty that God has given to a woman.
But the fact is, you are to be modest and to work on the inside. Look at verse 5, he gives an illustration, “For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands” (NIV). Who are the “holy women?” Old Testament saints, they hoped in God.” What does that mean? That they were true believers. He says, “I am not telling you anything new, but in Old Testament times, those women set apart unto God, who put their hope in God, used to adorn themselves. In what way? In submissiveness to their husbands. That’s the proper adornment. They are the models to follow.
I think about that when I think about all of the magazines. Patricia and I were walking through a market the other night and I walked by the magazine rack and saw all those magazines and she commented on them. All those magazines with women on the front of them, I can’t even tell you the names of them. I remember “Self” was one of them, “Mademoiselle” was another one, and “Something Woman,” and “Something Woman,” and “This Woman,” and whatever. I didn’t see the picture of a man on any magazine. Everyone of them had a picture of a woman.
And we call those women “models” don’t we? Models of what? For mercy sakes! Models of virtue? No. Models of character? No. Models of purity? No. Models of inner beauty? No. Models of modesty? No. Models of submissiveness? No. Models of what? They are mannequins. Whatever there is, is hanging on the outside and there is nothing on the inside, that you would want to follow, in most cases. So if you want a model, don’t buy “Mademoiselle.” Get your Bible and look for the holy women who are submissive to their own husbands. They are the models that you are to pattern your life after.
And he names one in verse 6, “Sarah.” Sarah is a model. She is a model that you ought to look like. She is a model that you ought to pattern your life after. Why? Because she obeyed Abraham. She is a model of obedience. She called him “lord.” That wouldn’t be real popular today. “Yes lord, what do you want?” Do you see how far you women have drifted? It’s Biblical. “Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.” By the way, “calling him” is in the present participle, the present tense, constantly calling him lord, constantly in submission to him. Why does he chose Sarah here? Because of the next statement, “You have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear” 1Peter 3:6.
He knows that if you are a believer, you are a child of Abraham by faith, right? You remember that don’t you? Very clearly outlined in Romans 4:11-12 and Galatians 3. We are the children of Abraham by faith, and so he’s just kind of tagging on to that, and saying you will not only be the children of Abraham, by faith, but you will be the children of Sarah, Abraham’s wife, by following her.
So he is saying, “Christian women who follow the pattern of Sarah, can be called Sarah’s children as well as Abraham’s children.” You are not only children of faith, but you are children of submission. You not only follow the faith of Abraham, but the submission of Sarah, if you do what is right. That’s what it says in verse 6, if you do what is right. “Without being frightened by any fear,” what do you think that means? Intimidated.
I believe every single society since the “fall” has tried to intimidate a woman who wanted to be submissive to her husband. I don’t think that is new. There are fears in being submissive, potential fears. If you are a Christian wife and you had an unsaved husband, you might be afraid to totally submit, for fear where it might lead you. Into what sin it might result. We have to stop short of that.
But Peter says, “Don’t be intimidated. Don’t be frightened. Don’t be fearful. Just do what’s right, and what is right, is to submit to your husband. That’s the principle. Its the principle of submission. Its the principle of purity. Its the principle of modesty. That’s how you win your husband without a word.
You want to win that unsaved spouse; be submissive; follow the beautiful pattern of Sarah, calling him lord, doing what is right; be pure and faithful to him, in the physical and the emotional area; be modest, decorate the inner beauty that may manifest itself on the outside, and don’t get preoccupied with trying to fix the outside, when the inside isn’t what it ought to be. That’s how you live as an alien and a stranger in a marriage, with the hope of influencing your husband for Christ.
V. Husbands with Unsaved Wives
- What He is to Do
- Be Submissive
Finally, verse 7, “turn the tables.” How does a husband win an unsaved wife? That’s less frequent but does happen. “You husbands likewise…” What do you mean “likewise” Peter? “You submit too!” There is a submission on our part. Go back and read Ephesians 5:21, “Be subject to one another,” wives to the husbands, husbands to the wives. We don’t submit to the authority of the wife. We don’t submit to the leadership of the wife, to the headship of the wife, but we do submit, listen to this, to the needs of the wife.
We subordinate our own little world and our own little agenda to meet the needs of the woman who is our wife. Even if she is not a Christian. Verse 7 says, “You husbands likewise,” you have to submit just like the wife, just like the employee, just like the citizen. He is talking to Christian husbands, “You husbands,” which means he is writing to the scattered believers. “You are the Christians, and you have got to take care of your wife. By the way, in that culture, a man could just kill his wife, as I pointed out.
According to Roman law [at that time], “If you were to catch your wife in an act of infidelity, you could kill her without a trial. But if she were to catch you, she wouldn’t venture to touch you with her finger, she has no such right.” So you could just kill your wife if you wanted to get rid of her.
But what is the responsibility of a Christian husband when he has an unsaved wife? Should he bolt the situation saying, “I’m going to find me a Christian girl, you’re outta here?” What should be his attitude?
2. Be Considerate
Three things, number one, very briefly, consideration. “Live with your wives in an understanding way” (v. 7). Present tense, constantly be continuing to live with your wife in an understanding way, that’s “gnosis” again, that’s knowledge. Deep, experiential knowledge. What do you mean? Sensitive to her needs, sensitive to her feelings. And I believe it includes the sexual aspect as well. It includes intimacy, because knowing someone means having an intimate relationship, remember that? “Cain knew his wife and she bore a child.”
You are to live with your wife in the most intimate way possible, sexually, emotionally. That doesn’t change. “Live” is the word “sunoikountes”, it means to be together with someone in the house. Stay intimate, stay close. By the way that same word, “sunoikountes” is used in the Septuagint for intercourse. So he is definitely talking with sexual overtones. You are to live with your wife in a deeply intimate way. Don’t cut yourself off from her deepest, physical, emotional needs, just because she is not a Christian.
You fulfill that dimension, far from abusing her or ignoring her or being indifferent to her. You are to be sacrificially sensitive to that unsaved woman. You are to be thoughtful. You are to be respectful. That would frankly be kind of a revolutionary thing in that culture. For a man to become a Christian, and all of a sudden become totally respectful, and sensitive, and feeling towards his wife who didn’t want anything to do with Christ, would really be cross-grained.
But that’s exactly what it says. “You are to nourish her,” in the words of Ephesians 5, cherish her, protect her, insulate her, maintain that deep, deep, sensitive intimacy.
3. Chivalry
Secondly, not only is there to be consideration, but there is to be chivalry. That’s a good old word, isn’t it? What does he say in verse 7? You have to live with her, “as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman.” She is a weaker vessel. What do you mean by that? Well, first of all “weaker” is a comparative. What’s it compared too? Weak, so just keep that in mind. She’s weaker, but you’re, what? Weak! So don’t get over confident about your great ability. You’re weak, she’s weaker.
What does it refer to? Physical, emotional, natural weakness. A woman is physically weaker. She must be protected, she must be provided for, she must be nourished, she must be cherished. So husbands, if you have an unsaved wife? Maintain deep intimacy with her. Sensitivity to all of her needs, and understand that she needs your protection, she needs your provision.
4. Be a Companion
Third word, companionship. Consideration, Chivalry, Companionship. I love this, “Grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life.” What’s the “grace of life?” It’s not eternal life, it’s not saving grace. Grace simply means a gift. What’s the best gift that life has to offer? Marriage. That’s God’s grace gift to everybody. You are heirs together.
That’s a very important statement, he is not speaking spiritually here, he’s speaking maritally. We know that he is talking about an unsaved wife because he says, “You husbands likewise,” and he ties it into 3:1, where you have a Christian in an unsaved environment, 2:18, where you have a Christian in an unsaved environment, 2:12 and 13, where you have a Christian in an unsaved environment.
So he is saying, “Look, you must live with her as a fellow heir of the grace of life. Cultivate companionship, friendship. Respect her as heirs together of the grace of life, the best that life has to offer, the topping on life.” This calls for fellowship, partnership, friendship, companionship, communion. That too was foreign in Peter’s day when women were not allowed at all to associate as friends, even of their own husbands. They were at best to clean the house and to bear children.
So he says husbands, “Do that”. And if you are not considerate, and if you are not chivalrous, and if you are not a companion, look at the end of verse 7. “your prayers will be hindered.” What do you think he’s praying for? He’s praying for what? The salvation of his wife, but that prayer is going to be hindered, if he is not treating her in this way. However, with deep intimacy. With great protection, provision, and with friendship, companionship. Then his prayers won’t be hindered.
VI. Conclusion
So how do you win an unsaved partner? By living an exemplary Christian life. Just that simple, just that simple. Whether you are in the government, seeing yourself as a citizen. On the job as an employee. In the home as a marriage partner. The role is always the same, you submit to God’s ordained pattern for that social relationship, and you live it out to the maximum to please God. And God will honor you as a testimony wherever you are.
Let’s bow together in prayer. “Lord, thank you for such straightforward and encouraging advice and truth. Lord, we understand that there are some even gathered with us in this wonderful service tonight, who are in the situation outlined right here. So Father we pray, not so much for the salvation of the partner, as we pray for the virtue of the Christian in that marriage. Bless those wives who have unsaved husbands, make them all that you want them to be. Bless those husbands who have unsaved wives, make them all that a husband should be, in order that they might win that partner. In order that their prayers for the salvation of their mate might not be hindered. For Jesus’ sake. Amen.”
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