A Trophy of Grace A Trophy of Grace
by Sue Willard
I was absolutely thrilled to be married. Then, after two years,came the devastating discovery that my husband was sexually involvedwith other men.
“Roses are red, violets are blue, you’ve got a belly like a B-52.”These words were written in my Junior High yearbook by a fellowstudent. Similar words, directed at me most of my youth and youngadult life, went straight to the core of my heart. I was overweightand not the most gorgeous girl in school; being raised in analcoholic/abusive home also didn’t bolster my self-esteem. I rarelyreceived affirmation; instead, I constantly struggled to measure upto society’s image of the ideal young woman.
Despite my church involvement from the age of five, I wasextremely lonely. In order to compensate, I developed a sense ofhumor and an outward friendliness. People accepted me if I was funny,and no matter how rude they were at times, I never let them see myinner pain. My “mask of humor” brought me friendships; however,no-one ever put their arm around me and said, “Sue, I love you. Howare you doing?” I desperately longed for that kind of attention.
Then, in 1974, I was volunteering at a Christian coffee house whenI met a good-looking young man who seemed different from all theother men I had met. John (not his real name) was funny, nice-and aChristian. We seemed to hit it off right away and started dating. Ifelt attracted to him, and realized that he was attracted to me.
He really likes me, I thought. Somebody really likes me! Oh, God,are You finally answering my prayers? Could this man be the one Youwant me to marry? Within a month’s time of knowing each other, wewere engaged; we set our wedding date six months later. The followingmonths flew by. When we were together I was happy. Though I had somequestions about John’s actions, I talked myself out of any concerns Ihad. For example, he seemed to have an unusual attraction for men,telling me several times how much he was “in love” with his best malefriends.
I had never really let anyone know my hurts and fears, and Ididn’t have a clue how to talk to John about my questions. What wouldI say to him? If he got mad, would he call off the wedding? Would heleave me? I couldn’t let that happen. I “knew” God had sent John torescue me from my horrible life of loneliness. I was getting marriedand nothing was going to stand in my way-nothing!
After our wedding, John spent six months overseas while finishingup his time in the Navy. When he returned home, our lives seemedfilled with the normal adjustments of a newly-married couple. I wasnaive about sex, so didn’t become overly concerned when we would goseveral months without a physical encounter. But other thingsbothered me. John didn’t want to spend time with other couples. Hisbest friends were 16- year-old boys (he was 23). And he’d go for longwalks alone and sometimes stay away for three or four hours when he’dmake a simple trip to the grocery store.
“Red flags” were up everywhere but I just couldn’t deal with them.I was so confused. I had no concrete evidence to substantiate myfears that something was wrong, so I just pushed them aside. I wouldmention his young friends and his infatuations with other men, butJohn would tell me I was seeing it wrong. “You’re making somethingout of nothing,” he’d protest. “How dare you accuse me of anything!”
While we both claimed to be Christians, our marriage was far fromChristian. In fact, during our marriage John showed little interestin spiritual matters, and I wasn’t much encouragement to him. Neitherof our lives were really based on biblical principles.
Finally, at the urging of a mutual friend, John confessed thathe’d had sex with another man just three weeks before. “I can’tbelieve I did this,” he said. “Please, please forgive me.” I wasnumb, scared and confused. I was also four months pregnant with ourfirst child. When John promised it would never happen again, Idecided to give him the benefit of the doubt. I had nowhere to turn.
But, several years later, after the birth of our second child,John and another member of our home Bible study confessed theirhomosexual involvement with each other. They asked for myforgiveness, which I gave as my “Christian” duty. I wanted to runaway, but I remained outwardly calm and stuffed my true feelings deepinside.
John and I went for counseling with our pastor. While we weretalking, John confessed that he had no intention of giving up hishomosexual activities. There was nothing “so sweet as gay sex,” hesaid. He wanted the best of both worlds-to have a home and family,but still participate in homosexuality. I was angry and devastated.This was the ultimate rejection. I had experienced rejection all mylife, and now my own husband was rejecting me. I hated him-and I haddifficulty trusting him.
“You’re two hours late,” I’d protest. “Where have you been?” CouldI believe him when he said he just drove down by the river and sat bythe water? I kept hoping things would change, and I tried to give himthe benefit of the doubt. However, each time I believed him, later Iwould find out that he had lied again.
“No more!” I said finally. “I can’t take this anymore!” I wantedto stay married but I didn’t know how to deal with the lies andterrible confusion in our relationship. What should I do? Duringseveral separations and reconciliations, I sought Christiancounseling and received a variety of answers regarding myresponsibilities as a wife and a Christian. Eventually I realizedthat no one could tell me what to do. I had to make my own decisionsbased on prayer and God’s Word.
After heavy soul searching during eight years of reconciliationsand separations, promises broken, bitterness and anger, andfrustration on both our parts, I divorced him. By this time we hadtwo boys, ages 3 and 5, and I saw the pain they were going through.John’s confession that he had sexually touched our younger son wasthe final straw.
While I was relieved to be away from the constant turmoil of ourrelationship, I was lonely. I knew I couldn’t go back to John, but Ididn’t want to be alone. It was the lowest point in my life. I wouldsit in my house alone, pull the shades and sit in total darkness. Ihad to be an “up” mom for my kids, but inside I was dying. I wantedto com- mit suicide, but couldn’t because I didn’t want to leave mykids.
I was broken inside. “God, where are You? How come You aren’ttalking to me? Why did You let this happen?” Throughout all of this Iwas still attending church, the only consistent thing in my life.
Through my church, God brought two special people into my life.Steve and Beth lived in my apartment complex, so Beth began watchingmy two boys while I went to work. They had just moved to Oregon soSteve could attend classes at a local seminary. Little did we knowthat our friendship would be the beginning of the rebuilding of mylife, as well as giving them insights into how to help a person likeme who had been deeply hurt.
They had so much patience. They listened, hugged me, loved me, andchallenged me. They helped me with disciplining my kids. They werethe support I’d never had. They didn’t care if I was overweight. Icould cry on their shoulder, but they wouldn’t let me have a “pityparty.” They constantly challenged me to read God’s Word. Idis-covered it was okay to tell God how angry I was, especially atHim. He knew it anyway, so what was I hiding?
I grew to love them; they were my family. I was happy and wantedto live this way forever, but God had other plans. Just as an earthlyfather loves to see his child grow and mature, so does our HeavenlyFather. Eventually Steve graduated from seminary and took a churchthree hours away. God is so gracious-at least they weren’t clearacross the country! But their move left a tremendous void in my life.I could still call them, even go see them, but they weren’t livingnext door. In response, I turned to the Lord even more. “It’s You andme, Lord.” I would say. “You know how lonely I am. Please help me tofeel Your arms around me. Lord, I need a hug.” I was hurting and Ihated it but I had been challenged by Steve to seek God and His Word,so I clung to Him as hard as I could.
As my relationship with God began to grow, He brought up areas inmy life that I had stuffed down for years. In my eyes, I was fat andugly, unacceptable to God and man, a worthless person who did notdeserve to have feelings. With the help of a wonderful Christiancounselor, I was taught to confront my frustrations, fears, sadness,and joy-and “feel” them. If I felt like crying, I could cry in thepresence of my counselor and still be accepted.
I also learned that it was OK to care about me. One time a closefriend and I talked for six hours about what I liked. I was able, forthe first time, to really find out who I was. I am a nice person, andI have feelings. Coming to terms with that reality was a major stepin my healing.
I am still learning how God sees me. While I sometimes slip backinto thinking that God doesn’t love me, I keep asking Him to help mesee the truth. Reading His Word has helped a lot to see how much Hereally loves me.
I have now been divorced since 1984. John still struggles withhomosexuality. My boys are now teenagers. While they love theirfather, they don’t talk much about him. I know this issue has beendifficult for them. I have never remarried, but I have seen God be afaithful Father, protecting us and providing food, shelter, clothingand a car. He has used people to do His work in our lives, and forthat I am grateful. He has always had a job for me; we’ve never hadour utilities shut off or our refrigerator empty.
God knows my desire to be an active mom with my kids, and He hasplaced me in jobs which have enabled me to do that. He has alsoprovided male mentors for my boys, both through sports participationand church activities.
The Lord has been a faithful husband to me. Many times my boyshave given me disciplinary problems. When I have been ready to pullmy hair out, I’ve said to God, “They’re your kids. You talk to them!”And later I sense that He has spoken to their hearts. Sometimes theyeven come and apologize, and I whisper inside, “Thank You, Father!”
Do I hate my ex-husband? I did for a long time. It has only beenin the last six months that God has given me a compassion for him.Knowing that God has forgiven me for so many things, I could nolonger hold a grudge against my ex-husband.
I know that my life has not been a mistake. The pain I felt andthe lessons I have learned were tools to shape my life. I am thankfulthat I can be a trophy of God’s grace, and a testimony of God’s love.
Sue Willard is an administrative secretary for the OregonCitizens Alliance and director of HOPE (Help One Person Escape), asupport group in Portland, Oregon, for friends and families with ahomosexual loved one. Copyright © 1994 by Sue Willard.Distributed by Love In Action, PO Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307;(901) 542-0250