All Things Are New All Things Are New
By Patty Graham
I had a strong conviction of my need for deliverance fromhomosexuality. As my brother prayed for me, I trembled all over. Ididn’t understand what was happening, I just knew it wasimportant.
I was the oldest child and only girl in my family of threechildren, which gave me a pretty special position. That is, until myposition was threatened by the birth of my younger brother. Ididn’t seem to be as important anymore and it seemed that my Momliked boys more than girls.
My family was a close, loving family who attended church together.But an aspect of that closeness included my parent’s belief innudity. For example, I remember feeling uncomfortable around the ageof four taking a bath with Dad, but I had no option. Also, Mom wouldhave us kids rub medication on her body because of her problem withpsoriasis. This was a familiar occurrence even when we were in highschool.
My parents lack of physical boundaries caused problems in my lifelater. The sexual stimulation left me feeling horribly guilty foryears and contributed to chronic, unexplained depression and lowself-esteem.
At age 11, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior at a Youth ForChrist rally. I experienced loving Jesus and being loved by Him, butI never fully grasped the idea of obedience and being able to live invictory over sin. Looking back, I think maybe I never understood thepower the Holy Spirit gives us to overcome sin in our lives.
My family experience with nudity eventually led me to equate beingspecial and being close to people with being sexual. In junior highand high school, I was plagued by masturbation. It seemed to controlme. I was also sexually promiscuous through high school and college.This was all going on while I was trying to walk with God.
I also experienced disobedience in other areas of my life. ThoughI knew it wasn’t Scriptural, I dated unbelievers regularly. Ibecame serious about one of these men and married him in 1969.Eventually the marriage deteriorated as I decided to stop trying towork on the marriage and start putting myself first.
I began moving away from Christianity to get out of my marriage.Feminism appealed to me at this point because it promised personalpower to women and emotional support at a time when I felt that noone but another woman could understand me.
The step into lesbianism from there was easy, as my determinationto identify with women grew. I eventually became involved with mybest friend of 10 years. I entered into the relationship thinking,This is just an adventure, it won’t last long. Ten years later,to my surprise, we were still together. But this didn’t satisfythat deep longing in me to be special in a way that I hadn’t yettasted.
About eight years into that relationship, my father confronted meone day when I was home for a visit. “Your mother and I saw ashow on Donahue about lesbians,” he said, “and, well,that’s what we think you and Diane are.” We talked for twohours. It was the best, most honest talk we’d ever had.
We then shared the news with my mom, who told me, “I alwaysknew you were a lesbian.” I was not blessed by her words. I wasat once relieved that they knew and terrified at my exposure andvulnerability in the family. During that visit they were pretty icytoward me and I felt betrayed and alone.
My relationship with my lover eventually soured. Still seekingspecialness and indulging my selfishness at any cost, I had aprolonged affair with another woman. That affair led to the end of myrelationship with my lover and I was now out on my own.
Not long afterwards, I developed a breast tumor. I couldn’tbelieve it. During my month of waiting for surgery, my brother, whowas a Christian, told me that he received a word of wisdom from God— I would be healed at a church in San Francisco. This wholeidea of healing seemed foreign to me, but I was desperate. Andalthough I had been away from church for many years, I would doanything. I went to Calvary Chapel in San Francisco where the eldersthere prayed over me.
After the prayer I was overwhelmed with the love of Jesus. Idon’t care what it takes, I thought, I want this. I experienceda renewed hunger for God. The tumor did not go away, but it was notmalignant as the doctors had feared it would be.
As a gay person, I felt strange in a church of heterosexualbelievers. I tried a gay church for awhile, but sensed the Spirit ofGod was hindered there, and I wanted the Spirit in His fullness. So Ireturned to Calvary Chapel and started going to everything. Finally,in April, I asked the Lord if I were still saved after being awayfrom Him for so long. I heard a resounding, “Yes!”
A week later, I asked Jesus to be Lord of my life. I dove intochurch activities to get all the teaching and fellowship I could.Testing the waters, I told people all along the way of my gayness.They still loved and accepted me without judgment.
On June 3, 1985, I went out to dinner with a man in my homefellowship. He told me that I needed to be healed of myhomosexuality. That sounds strange, I thought, Yet, If God wantsthat, I’ll certainly do it. But He’ll have to tell me.
The next morning I woke up with a strong conviction of my need fordeliverance. I called my Christian brother and asked him to pray withme. As he prayed, I trembled all over. I didn’t understand whatwas happening, I just knew it was important.
All that day I felt empty, as though I’d lost my best friend.About 3:00 in the afternoon, I was sitting at my desk, still feelingempty when the Holy Spirit brought to mind part of a verse Ihadn’t heard or read for 15 years: “Old things are passedaway; behold, all things are become new.” (2 Cor. 5:17) Theemptiness left me and I felt full again. I knew I was on the righttrack.
The next day I left for Oregon where I attended a New Ageconference I had planned long before I came back to the Lord. I hadno idea that my trip would turn into a divine appointment from God.
I walked into the main session and introduced myself to a man onmy left. His first words were, “Hi, my name is Paul and I justrededicated my life to the Lord.”
“Me, too.” I said with astonishment.
“And I’m convinced that homosexuality is not fromGod,” he continued.
“Me, too!” I sat totally dumbfounded.
During the ten day conference Paul and I spent a lot of timetogether. He really encouraged me and told me about Love In Action.When I got back to California, I called right away.
Over the course of the next five weeks I got to know Anita Worthen(the wife of LIA founder and then director, Frank Worthen). Paul wasdying of complications from AIDS and Anita and I began taking care ofhim.
I became involved in a women’s support group that Anita wasleading. After eight months, I went to Texas for an intensiveChristian training program. When I came back, Frank and Anita hadbought a home for a women’s residential ministry and Anita begandropping hints that she would like me to be a part of it. I Had nothoughts that I should be in such a program.
Then one day we were cleaning the house, getting it ready for theministry. Anita left me alone to clean and called later that day toask, “How do you like the house?”
“I think it’s great.” I replied, unknowingly.
“Well, would you like to live there?”
Eventually, I conceded and became part of the first residentialprogram for women. At that time I had the most difficult professionaljob I’d ever had and I was feeling the stress of the intensityof the program. I didn’t want anybody at work to know about mypersonal life.
Finally, a close friend confronted me. “Patty, I really feelyou are living your life superficially,” she told me. Ididn’t want to hear that, but it was true. I struggled to behonest about myself and my homosexual struggle. That confrontationwas the beginning of honestly looking inside myself and getting tothe roots of my identity struggles. Following completion of the LIAprogram in December of 1987, I became involved in ex-gay ministry inSan Francisco for 3 1/2 years. That was a time of deepening myrelationship with the Lord and continuing my healing of myhomosexuality. When, in March of 1991, I felt the Lord calling me outof ministry, I sensed He had in mind the next step in my healing. Iwas excited to see what that might be. Two weeks later I met Steve.
Steve introduced himself to me at church on Easter Sunday. Twoweeks later he came over again and said, “I’d like to havelunch with you after the service.” From our first briefconversation, I knew my life was going to change drastically.
My marriage (of almost 4 years) has been full of delights. God hasbrought me a delicious husband who treasures me. He has aservant’s heart and anticipates my needs. We have a mutualdesire for deep intimacy.
As much as my marriage strengthens me, however, it does not erasemy identity struggles. Intimacy with God continues to be of utmostimportance as I let Him redefine my identity. Bathing myself in HisPresence is the cornerstone of my healing.
The 7 years I spent on my own, not in enmeshed or romanticrelationships, was important in my healing. I needed time to learn tobond in healthy ways with both women and men, and to get to knowmyself apart from another.
Healing in my relationship with my mom continues to be the crux ofmy recovery process. I’m realizing the necessity of letting goof my expectation of my mother for acceptance, blessing and intimacy.Just as important is holding on to the positive inheritances she haspassed on to me such as love of life, nature, the out-of-doors, and amarvelous example of devotion to one’s mate. These are treasuresI’ve received from my mom.
People often question whether complete healing from homosexualityis possible. For me, “lifestyle struggles” are no longer anactive issue, though I need to watch and be accountable regardingemotional dependency and competition with women in my life.That’s part of the “working out of my salvation” thatwe are all called to do. But, “…old things are passedaway”, and passing away, as I continue to follow Jesuswholeheartedly and with great delight.
Patty is a Licensed Social Worker in private practice. Shelives with her husband in San Anselmo, CA. Copyright c 1985, 1996 byPatty Graham. Distributed by Love In Action, PO Box 753307, Memphis,TN 38175-3307; 901/542-0250