The Bible warns against being self-willed or creating factions. Furthermore, James tells us that when it comes in corporate worship, we should not play favorites or create distinctions among one another. Of course, we celebrate family and friendships, but Sunday morning is not to celebrate the people we like the most. It is to celebrate the oneness we have in Christ with each other. That’s what makes us different than the world. That’s what heaven is all about. That’s a biblical church with one accord with each other, not several factions splintered among family and friendship distinctions or at worse 'toxic tribalism.' That gets celebrated outside the body, but not when the body of Christ gathers. Understanding the balance calls for discernment and self-control and love. It calls for Christian maturity.
Randy Smith

An Unexpected Adversary

An Unexpected Adversary An Unexpected Adversary

By Shireen Perry,
as interviewed by Bob Davies

“Sometimes it was difficult to even pray together and spend timein the Word. What kept us going was singing praises and reading thePsalms…”

Mark and Shireen were married less than three years, but peoplesaid it seemed like they’d been together for 30 years.

“A lot of hard work went into our marriage,” explains Shireen,”especially in the area of communication. We did everythingtogether-laundry, housecleaning, shopping, even working on designprojects in textiles and flowers.”

But their shared faith in Jesus Christ was the solid foundationwhich took them through the trying times that lay ahead. Mark wasdiagnosed with AIDS, and an intense spiritual and physical battlebegan.

Initially, only a superficial skin spot and a general tiredfeeling betrayed the presence of the virus. “Mark and I both wentthrough a denial stage,” says his wife. “He seemed so healthy. I’dthink, He’s going to be all right.”

During this time, Mark also “stuffed” down his anger. After somemonths, it all erupted at once.

“He was mad at me, God, himself, the church-he was mad ateverybody,” recalls Shireen. “But I hung in there with him. I knowmany people wouldn’t have.” In fact, after Mark’s death, a familymember told her it was only because of her presence that he was ableto maintain such a good relationship with Mark up until the very end.

But it was a difficult time. “I had my own anger to deal with,too,” Shireen admits. The Lord used it to do some deep emotionalhealing in both of their lives and their relationship to each otherwas strengthened.

Later, Mark came down with pneumonia, a typical AIDS-relatedsymptom. He lost some of his passion for life. Before that, he’dreally wanted to live, but now he thought that it would also be greatto be with the Lord. His will to fight dwindled more when he gotthroat lesions. Then he came down with the flu, and didn’t think hewas going to live through it.

During this time, Mark was discouraged, but for awhile Shireendidn’t know it.

“When I was gone during the day, he would be feeling a lot ofdepression,” she explains. “But when I’d get home, it would lift hisspirits and he was OK.” Finally a day nurse tipped her off. Afterthat, she called Mark during her lunch hour, to help him through theday.

Shireen and her husband learned how to pray aggressively. Thespiritual warfare going on became really evident. A book called TheAdversary by Mark Bubeck (Moody Press) gave them some practical helpand even sample prayers for putting on the armor of God and doingbattle against the enemy.

It was a fight all the way. “Sometimes, it was difficult to evenpray together and spend time in the Word,” Shireen confesses. “Whatkept us going was singing praises and reading the Psalms. We madethose verses our prayer, too.”

Shireen’s own church, First Covenant of San Francisco, took anactive role of support during the last months of Mark’s life. Peoplefrom church were praying for them around the clock. Shireen had aschedule of who was praying at what time. When something wouldsuddenly go wrong with Mark, she could let them know what washappening, so that they could pray specifically for the need at thatmoment. They saw definite answers to prayer during this time.

Besides prayer, practical needs like housework were met by herChristian friends.

“I didn’t have to cook, clean or do any of those things duringMark’s last month,” Shireen says. “I’m so thankful that Mark and Icould have that time together.” Another friend who is a nursecoordinated a schedule so that Shireen always had a support personnearby during the last few weeks.

For others facing this situation, Shireen strongly recommendsbuilding a support team.

“It will be a tremendous help,” she says. “The Lord didn’t createus to do things independently. He designed us to work with others,and that is what the church body is all about.”

Support from her church is still strong. “Others in the church whowere close to Mark are also going through the grieving process,” shesays. “We’re going through it together, and I encourage them not tobe afraid to talk about Mark with me. Some of them still have a lotof questions they’re working through.”

During the first month after her husband’s death, several friendstook turns staying with her when she needed company. Friends andfamily still check to ensure Shireen is not alone on anniversaries ofimportant dates in her relationship with Mark.

In spite of this loving support, Shireen is still going throughtremendous adjustments.

“For the last two months, I’ve been dealing a lot withdepression,” she explains. “I’ve never dealt with it before. I’vebeen trying to discipline myself to do things, even when I don’t feellike it.

“For example, I don’t enjoy cooking for myself, so I make a pointto invite someone over at least once a week. That enables me tocontinue sharing my home as Mark and I did together. It allows peopleto see where I’m at. And if they were close to Mark, I can also helpthem deal with their grief.”

She is open with her friends about her continuing need forsupport.

“Two weeks ago, I was missing Mark a lot. I came home from workand was crying. I thought, I really can’t be home alone tonight. Icalled a good friend and said, `I know you’re studying, but I need tocome over. We don’t have to visit. I’ll just read and do somewriting.’ She said that would be fine and it was really helpful tojust spend some time with another person that evening.”

Shireen believes she is a steward of these experiences, and she’shad many opportunities to share what she’s learned with others. Onlythree weeks after Mark’s funeral, she did an interview about AIDS ona local Christian television show. Last summer, she did a speakingengagement at a local church and has been interviewed by anInterVarsity staff member for one of their publications.

“Some people told me it still seemed so early for me to besharing,” Shireen says. “But I think God is using these opportunitiesto continue the healing in me.”

Her interviews have led to opportunities for personal ministry.

“Recently I got a letter from a woman in the Midwest whose husbandhad just been diagnosed with AIDS,” she says. “She’d seen Mark and Ion The 700 Club and they had forwarded her note. She was desperate totalk with me; she really needed someone to confide in.

“I was glad to encourage her, and shared how important it is tohave a support group. That kind of support, along with the Lord’sstrength and grace, is what carried Mark and I through.”

Shireen believes there is a special purpose in what the Lordallowed her and Mark to go through. “There are other Christians whoare facing this struggle. I think the way Mark’s situation washandled can be a role model for other Christians and churches.”

Above all, Shireen testifies to God’s faithfulness. “I still havequestions to work through. But I know God is sovereign. You can’t putHim in a box.

“God did some real physical healing in Mark. He allowed him tolive much longer than the six months predicted by the doctor. Rightup to the end, he was affectionate, humorous, loving….It was reallyspecial.

“In many ways, I feel now like I’m starting all over again. Butthe Lord is still with me. He’s taking good care of me, providingeverything I need.” For a woman in Shireen’s situation, that says alot.

Shireen Perry was married only six months when her husband Marknoticed a spot on his side. It was diagnosed as Kaposi’s sarcoma, askin cancer associated with AIDS. Mark had come out of the homosexuallife almost four years previously. At the time of his diagnosis inMarch, 1985, he was given only six months, but lived for two moreyears until his death in February, 1987.

Copyright (C) 1987 by Bob Davies. Distributed by: Love InAction, PO Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307; 901/542-0250