Carrie Woman Of God
CARRIE: WOMAN OF GOD
One year ago, I would not have believed it possible for me to tell you that God has set me free from the negative attitudes that caused me to get involved in homosexuality. Yet today, I am free from homosexual struggles, thoughts, desires, fantasies, and behaviour; and I experience a healing which is available to anyone who desires it. It may not come in an instant, but it does come in time.
Homosexual behaviour is a symptom of deeper things that need healing. In my case, a broken relationship with my parents, whose social activities frequently kept them out of the house or out of town, caused deep rejection in me.
I now realise that I had a deep hatred for my father for the things he did not do for me that he should have, like give love, affection, protection, and guidance. As I grew older, I distrusted other men, fearing they, too, would not be there in my times of need.
An older brother resented me from the time of my birth, and my defensiveness towards him turned into defensiveness towards men in general. Because I had been raised by women, the maids in our home, I felt more comfortable with them. I was fearful of closeness with men, and therefore more readily would look to a woman for comfort in time of need.
In addition, I experienced sexual harassment and abuse from neighbourhood boys when I was young which made me hostile towards men. That’s when my attitude originated: “That’s all men want from me.”
The circumstances which were the root to my homosexuality were not my fault, but I cannot blame others for my reactions to those hurts. I made a choice to seek love and affection through homosexual relations, though I may not have been conscious of my motivations at the time. I also chose to remain bitter and expect rejection, unhealthy feelings which no longer hold me in bondage.
God fills the need for love in me and enables me to enjoy emotionallybalanced relationships with both men and women. I no longer cling to people in order to feel loved and secure. When it feels like I’m leaning towards a dependency on someone in my life, I’ve learned to turn to the Lord in prayer and ask him to help me be more dependent on Him. And He does. I haven’t experienced an unhealthy relationship for nearly a year, yet I enjoy the friendship of many women.
Fear of Losing Identity
Probably because I perceived rejection from the significant men in my life, I was sensitive to the apparent rejection of myself as a woman when I got involved with a church that was heavy into the shepherding movement.
Their teaching had a strong message of submission to authority, which was all male. I saw women losing their identities and individuality, almost becoming non-persons as they accepted the teaching of complete submission to their husbands. I remember telling God, “If this is Your idea of marriage, You can have it.”
I saw and felt the creation and manipulation of an attitude of emotional and physical dependency of the single women on the men in leadership. We were told to submit all decisions regarding our lives to our leaders, not to God.
I didn’t comprehend consciously the control which was exercised in such a subtle manner, but my spirit and emotions certainly understood it. It instilled rage, turmoil, depression, and resentment in me. I reacted with rage, and my distrust and hatred for men deepened.
It was this church involvement which brought me to a breaking point. Opting for comfort and security, I entered into my second homosexual relationship although I had been battling my homosexual feelings for the 14 years since my first relationship.
Depressed about my life, I attempted suicide because I had rejected God and had no other person to turn to after this second relationship failed.
Though I had intended to die, God miraculously intervened. He spared my life because He has very definite plans and purposes for me to fulfil.
One of the things I do now, as a result of my own inner healing, is prayer counselling with others through my church so they, too, can know the depths of God’s love and healing as I’ve come to know it.
Prayer Counselling Key to Changed Life
I met a married couple with whom I went through deep inner healing prayer over a period of four years. God has used this means of setting me free from all the wounds of my past.
Believing that forgiveness is the key to being free from unhealthy behaviour and attitudes, these people led me through many prayer times where I was able to forgive everyone who had hurt me in any way in my life. In some instances this meant even going back to the time of my birth.
Together with his couple, I would visualize the person who had hurt me, the scene of the hurt, and Jesus with us in the scene. I would describe what I saw and heard to my prayer partners as I went.
I would then tell Jesus how I felt about the situation, feeling the feelings and being the age I was at the time of the hurt. I would talk about the circumstances and what had been done to me. Then I would tell the person who hurt me, “I forgive you in the name of Jesus for [naming the thing that had been done], and I set you free from my judgement and bitterness.”
There would be times when I acknowledged my own sinful response of bitterness and rejection to the hurts I received, and had to ask Jesus to forgive me before I could release the person who hurt me.
In other prayers, Jesus sometimes said or did things of a healing nature to me. One prayer included seeing Jesus give me a letter He had written to me. In it I read His words, “I love you very much. I have some good things in store for you. You are a very precious person to me.”
Other Important Helps
Not only did this couple lead me through prayer, but they provided an important role model for heterosexuality. Since I had seen mostly incorrect ways of relating between husbands and wives for five years, their marriage showed me that marriage can be fun and beautiful. I need not be afraid of losing my identity.
Also, the hurts I experienced through the sexual harassment and abuse faded even further as this man began to show me that men really could care about me as a person and not just as a sexual object.
This couple also imparted to me a new understanding of masculinity and femininity. To talk only with a man or a woman would not have been beneficial for me. I needed the balance of both sexes in order to better understand my own sexuality.
On-going important things to my growth in Jesus include obeying God as much as I am able, realising at the same time that I am not perfect and that growth is a process that will continue as long as I live.
I also attend a weekly Bible study, spend time with Christians individually, and join bothers and sisters in worship at church. Having a daily prayer time and Bible reading is a must for me.
I attend a church which has good teaching on the place of women in the Body of Christ, and can see around me the wonderful ways women, both married and single, are being used by the Lord.
Heterosexual Interest
After a particular prayer session regarding my brother I began to notice that I was “connecting” with men in a way I hadn’t in ten years or more. I was letting my inner person be more open to them, willing to be vulnerable with my feelings to them, and am now open to their interest in me. My walls of defense have come down.
Though I passed through a time when I felt sexually neutral, I now experience heterosexual interest which I’ve had to learn how to deal with righteously as well.
Today I feel beautifully woman, and I love it. I have accepted fully my identity as a woman and as a child of God, made in his image.
Though I have two older sisters, my mother gave me her own name when I was born. God knew He would cause me to grow into it as I fulfilled the purposes for which I was born …
Carrie — Woman of God; Strong, Womanly
- Carrie Wingfield
For further information about homosexuality or about other areas of sexual brokenness, please contact:
LOVE IN ACTION
G.P.O. Box 1115
ADELAIDE SA 5001
Phone (08) 371 0446
This article is reprinted by permission from Metanoia Ministries,
P O Box 33039,
Seattle WA 98133-0039,
U.S.A.