Deep in our timid hearts is a desire to be loved mildly, nothing more. That way, we retain control, we set the terms, we avoid risk. Our loving God, in His ferocious intensity, will have none of it. He defines the meaning of our lives, and we are saved from our anemic loves and brought by degrees into intense loves, like His own.
Ray Ortlund

Choosing Heaven

Choosing Heaven

CHOOSING HEAVEN

What shall you say then? Are you to continue in sin that grace might increase? May it never be!

The roots of my struggle with homosexuality went deep. In fact, I considered it to be my basic problem, a compulsion over which I had no control. I simply could not stop my behaviour nor could I change what I believed to be my innate desires; my thought life was corrupt and out of control. I knew I was living with sin in my life, but I did not know there was a way out.

My homosexuality, in part, was a reaction to years of bottled-up emotion and a desire for physical affection. There was a “thrill” in trying to meet my own needs in my own way. Rebellion which results in overt sin is fun for a while but the result is devastating.

I was desperately lonely and isolated. I was living life as a tourist, “sightseeing” in the Christian life and still savouring the gay life. I realise now that I have spent my life as a tourist; looking at life through a camera lens, fearful of involvement or commitment, always feeling alone and isolated.

In 1984, I moved to Seattle and within two months was involved with a guy. Although the relationship was stressful, due to the guilt and anxiety I experienced, I felt that I was at least meeting my needs for affection. However, introspection and lack of self-acceptance quickly turned into depression and then bitter self-hatred.

Leviticus 18:22, “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman, that is detestable,” pounded in my mind, reminding me that what I was doing, my actions, were an abomination to God.

It was at this time that I was referred to Metanoia Ministries the Exodus International affiliate located in Seattle, Washington, U.S.A.) for counselling. I did not believe I would ever rid myself of homosexuality; I did hope, however, that I could learn to live with my sin. I pursued counselling sporadically but unhealthy relationships increased my feelings of rejection and loneliness.

I had prayed many times about my problem, but years of unanswered prayers had left me feeling rejected by God. Why would He allow me to suffer such anguish and failure? I was angry at God and I had lost hope.

During a week-long conference in Vancouver, B.C. in 1987, I slowly began to learn the power of praise and prayer. It was during that week that I began to sing praises to God, to acknowledge the sovereignty of God, to worship Him for being God. However, I could not yet pray for myself.

A friend I met at the conference took the initiative to pray for me. As he prayed I slowly began to feel the love of Jesus. I was surprised. Could He, indeed, would He, love and accept me?

Grabbing my friend to pray with me, I confessed my sins to God and repented of my homosexual activity. Ignoring my fears of rejection and failure, I eagerly decided to choose heaven and God. With enthusiasm and sincerity I chose to abandon my secret life and my destructive thinking. I desperately wanted Heaven and I wanted to be part of God’s kingdom.

I discarded a part of my being – my identity as a homosexual. Although I knew God’s way would be better, I also knew I was choosing something I knew little about. In it’s place, God would supply His perfect love, peace, contentment, and a real sense of being.

God has released me from homosexual compulsion and has given me a sense of belonging. God has accepted me as a son and has granted me wholeness. I am now free to be obedient, free to make the correct choices. When I decided to change my actions, God changed my attitude.

I now stand upright before God and I am able to joyfully praise Him. I could not decide to change myself – God had to change me. It was the power of the Holy Spirit that brought me to repentance. I am no longer living life as a tourist. I know who I am and to Whom I belong. I am a fellow citizen with God’s people and a member of God’s household.

I am still tempted; everyone is tempted by something. I may always be tempted in the area of homosexual sin, but I am no longer in bondage to that sin. I can recognize temptation for what it is and I can now choose to resist that temptation and live in God’s victory. When I meet an attractive guy, instead of looking at his body with envy or to plan seduction, I am able to look him in the eye and see him as a complete person, with an eternal soul.

During the next several months, I chose to believe what God has said, instead of relying on how I might feel at a particular moment. My moods or desires no longer dictate my identity. Instead, my identity is now based on what God says: I am a new creation!

To be completely healed, I must participate in the healing process. This is more than just wanting to be healed – I had wanted instant healing for many years. My part in this process is to be obedient to the Word of God.

When I was willing to choose Heaven and turn to walk in a difference direction, God changed my life. Along with David, as he expresses his satisfaction for God’s provision in his life (Psalm 40), I can truly say,

“I waited patiently for the Lord,
And He inclined to me and heard my cry, He brought me out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay.
And He set my feet upon a rock,
making my footsteps firm.
And He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of Praise to our God;
many will see and fear and trust in the Lord”

  • Bob

For further information about homosexuality or about other areas of sexual brokenness, please contact:

LOVE IN ACTION
G.P.O. Box 1115
ADELAIDE SA 5001
Phone (08) 371 0446

This article is reprinted by permission from

Metanoia Ministries
P O Box 33039
Seattle WA 98133-0039
U.S.A.