Cream of Wheat Of the Gods

INGREDIENTS

INSTRUCTIONS

What's so easy as Cream of Wheat you ask?  Well, consider this. It's
much like rice in that it's a very bland, filling and wholesome food.
Now everyone knows how hard it is to cook good rice, right?  Well,
the same is true of Cream of Wheat, but if you follow these explicit
directions, you will create a cereal masterpiece.  Don't be cowed by
the fact that the procedure must be as rigidly followed as that of
the Japanese tea ceremony. After a couple of years you're bound to
get it right. Just follow the recipe on the box for however many
servings you want, but do it in the following fashion.  (I consider a
double serving to be enough for one person.) Do NOT use the recipe
variation for using milk! This is an abominable perversion of the
philosophy of Cream of Wheat and will give you much too rich a bowl
of cereal.  I use "quick" Cream of Wheat. Although all three
varieties seem to taste pretty much the same when cooked I feel
guilty using the "instant" and am too impatient to use the "regular",
so "quick" is just fine.  The auxiliary ingredients are important too.
Fer'instance, if you can't get the proper brand of bread, you'd best
move on to the next recipe.  1 box Cream of Wheat (make two servings
for each person), Salt, Water 4 slices of Northridge oatmeal bread
for each person, Butter slightly chilled in the fridge (any normal,
salted butter will do), Sugar (white granulated ONLY!), Milk (any
type but chocolate or buttermilk). UTENSILS: A medium sized
Revere-ware copper bottomed pan. Some flexibility is allowed here.
'Visions' can be used too. A Pyrex measuring cup. Other types may be
substituted. An old fashioned glass sugar dispenser++the kind with a
metal top and a little flap that covers the hole.  You can fudge on
this too, but you're skirting dangerously close to loosing the
authenticity of the dish, especially if you've already compromised
and used 'Visions' to cook the cereal... A table knife. Throw caution
to the winds and use any type you like, except a steak knife. A
spoon.  The pattern isn't important, but the plainer it is the
better. A bowl. Use only a thick, diner-style, ceramic one. A glass
for milk. A jelly glass would be ideal. PROCEDURE: First toast the
bread. Set the toaster so the bread is well toasted. Small charred
areas around the edge are perfectly acceptable. Let it sit in the
toaster for a moment to crisp up a bit, then set it aside to cool. It
MUST be room temperature (a cool room, at that) when buttered so that
the butter does not melt. Next, make the Cream of Wheat.  Boil the
water, salt it, then take a wooden spoon and briskly stir the boiling
water counter clockwise while dribbling in the Cream of Wheat from
the Pyrex measuring cup.  Don't rush the process or you risk lumpy
Cream of Wheat!  (I once fixed this for a person who liked lumpy
Cream of Wheat.  I couldn't get it to lump!) Turn down the heat and
let the stuff simmer, bubbling gently, until it's approaching the
proper consistency.  Well, since you asked, the proper consistency is
thick enough so that a swirl made in the surface will slowly subside.
Stir it every so often.  Once the proper thickness is reached, take
it off the heat and stir vigorously several times to release the
steam and thicken it up a bit more. The reason for this will be
obvious in a moment. After, and only after, the Cream of Wheat is
done, butter the toast with the slightly chilled butter. This will
allow the cereal to cool so it will be ready to eat when you are. The
butter should be chilled just to the point where is holds its shape
but is not hard to spread++very important! I tend to favor a
moderately lavish amount of butter, but this is up to personal taste.
Margarine is NOT, NOT, NOT acceptable in this preparation. Put the
toast on a plate and dish up the cereal.  Get the milk out of the
fridge and grab the sugar and put everything on the table.  The table
can be either formica or wood++the recipe is very flexible in this
regard. Place the plate with the toast to the upper right of the bowl
(or upper left if you're left handed). Pour a glass of milk and put
it to the left (or right) side of the plate of toast. Now, take a
moment after you sit down and savor the sight in front of you. Then
get up and get a roll of paper towels.  Reseat yourself. Next, gently
pour a tablespoon or two of milk into the bowl with the Cream of
Wheat and stir it in.  This will complete the cooling and add just a
hint of richness to the Spartan simplicity of water cooked Cream of
Wheat. Now sprinkle a light dusting of the sugar over the surface of
the cereal. It will slightly glaze and become transparent. Take a
piece of the toast and break off a chunk that is comfortably bite
sized. Using the toast as an edible spoon, reverently scoop up a
dollop of the sugar glazed cereal with the toast and pop it into your
mouth. (Do NOT use the spoon to eat the cereal. It's only for
stirring in the milk initially.) Paying close attention, respectfully
chew the morsel. All the while be aware of how the cool, creamy
smoothness of the butter slowly melts from the warmth of the cereal.
Note the satisfying crunch of the oatmeal bread as contrasted to the
rich plasticity of the cereal. Contrast the blandness of the cereal
to the slightly charred, nutty flavor of the toast. Marvel at how
such mundane ingredients can create such a symphony of tastes and
textures. Continue in this fashion, working clockwise around the
bowl, until the entire glazed surface of the cereal is gone, then
sprinkle more sugar on and repeat the process. If you've done
everything right, the four slices of toast will disappear at exactly
the same moment as the last smidgen of cereal. Now sit back for a
moment and bemoan the fact that the experience is over. Dab
resignedly at your lips with paper towel, fold it neatly and put into
the empty bowl to signify the end of the meal.  Heave a deep sigh of
contentment and give thanks for the fact that you live in America,
that great country that has made possible this pinnacle of gustatory
delight! Wash the dishes. Posted by Stephen Ceideburg; December 24
1990.
File ftp://ftp.idiscover.co.uk/pub/food/mealmaster/recipes/cberg2.zip

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