Let’s never be intimidated or depressed by our ordinariness and inadequacy and unimpressiveness. Most of us are quite ordinary. All of us can improve our preaching, and we will. But the sacred given is the message of the cross, which the Holy Spirit empowers in men of the cross. Let’s not disempower it. Let’s trust God’s strategy. God Himself entered into His own strategy through an egoless nobody named Jesus Christ, whom this brilliant world crucified. That Christ is sending us out to preach His message by His power. We are fully equipped in every essential with the testimony of God, the message of Christ crucified, and the power of the Holy Spirit. Will you decide to stake your whole ministry there?
Ray Ortlund

Finding Freedom in Christ

Finding Freedom in Christ Finding Freedom in Christ

By Karen Dyer

 

During college, I tried several times to “go straight.” But Icould not control my desires for other women. Finally I concludedthat I was born gay and just needed to accept it.

I’ll never forget the night my parents confronted me about mylesbianism. I was in college, and had just returned home from asoftball tournament. My parents said they wanted to sit down and talkto me.

“We were at your grandmother’s this afternoon and your friend,Judy, stopped by,” Mom began. “She took me and your aunt upstairs andtold us about you and Barbara.” Everything became a blur in my earsas I felt hatred for Judy rising in my soul. My friend-a betrayer!

Then Mom ordered me to pack up everything Barbara had ever givenme and mail it all back to her. “I don’t want you talking to her orseeing her ever again. Do you hear me?” I nodded dumbly as tears offire burned my cheeks and spilled into my lap. I felt like someonewas cutting my heart out as I stood by and watched.

Hatred seethed inside. I hated Judy. I hated my parents. I hatedall Christians. Hypocrites! Deceivers! And I especially hated God.This was all His fault anyway. He made me gay, or so I thought.

I thought back on my childhood. My family environment had been amixture of chaos and order, tension and peace, fear and love. Then,at age 17, I had my first homosexual experience through a closefriendship with a woman three years older than myself. We played onthe same softball team, and this woman seemed to adopt me, filling myevery need as a close, caring, mother-like, encouraging friend.

When our friendship turned sexual, I struggled to ignore feelingsof guilt and confusion. Our secret love became the center of my life,although we attended separate colleges that fall. My every thoughtfocused on this relationship, and it felt as essential to myhappiness as breathing was to sustaining life.

Then, one October evening, I sat on the steps of a church with awoman who told me about the salvation offered through Jesus Christ.”Karen”, she told me, “Christ died for you. He loves you very much.”At my friend’s prodding, I feebly uttered the words, “Lord Jesus,come into my heart, and save me a sinner.” “I’m so glad, Karen,” sheexclaimed afterward. “Now you are a Christian!”

Inside, I was confused. Under pressure, I had confessed my”faith”. But faith in what? I wondered. I didn’t know. My frienddidn’t say anything about becoming a new creature in Christ orabstaining from sin.

In spite of my uncertainty, in the coming weeks I diligentlystudied the Bible, honestly seeking the truth from the Scriptures.While reading, I came to a horrifying realization: Because of mylifestyle, I was out of God’s will and subject to His wrath, whetherI liked it or not. My heart pounded as I read such verses as Romans1:26, “For even their women did change the natural use into thatwhich is against nature…burned in their lust one towardanother…knowing the judgement of God…

“. I confided to my Christian friend that I was gay.Unfortunately, she became curious about the entire situation, andsoon we were sexually involved. I began adopting a more masculineappearance, and soon was involved with a very feminine, experiencedgay woman who drew me even deeper into lesbianism.

That summer, my parents discovered my lesbian involvement andconfronted me. During the next three years of college, I went throughevery form of hatred and rebellion that I could find. I met many gaywomen, and fell in and out of bed with most of them. I began smokingand heavy drinking.

I also experienced almost every type of emotional low thatexisted. Even though I’d read God’s Word that my lifestyle was wrong,I didn’t care. I tried several times to “go straight”, but found thatI could not control my desires for other women. I was born gay; Ijust needed to adjust and forget about the nagging lack of peace inmy life.

During my last semester of college, I met an older woman who luredme into a relationship. We were partners for almost eight years.Although it began as a wonderful companionship, our relationshipbecame a web of emotional insecurity and intense inner pain for me.

My sensitivity was destroyed and replaced with a hard core as Irejected my prior friends and my own personal interests. Idiscontinued writing, composing music, and participation in mysports. These were replaced by activities that pleased her. Ourfriends were really “her” friends. She worked to alienate me frommembers of my family, causing me to become very critical of them.

By the time I escaped from this prison, I had become an emotionalwreck. In my rebellion I decided that God should be “She”, andapplauded the idea of rewriting the Bible with no gender references.I became sexually involved with women already in other relationships,and I spent much time in deep depression.

In my search for answers, I began to search in a multitude ofchurches for something to eliminate my insecurities. Nothing seemedto help my growing need for peace. I met another woman who became mylover for the next four years. But, although I was financially secureand felt love from my friend, something was still missing. I wasextremely restless and terrified of dying.

In February 1980, I began to read my Bible once again. I secretlylistened to Christian radio shows, particularly those that discussedhomosexuality. I began to attend church in March. My lover encouragedme to do whatever I needed to do to grow, as she witnessed my retreatinto solitude.

Then I met Sharon, a woman at work who was a Christian. Her zealfor God seemed to govern her actions in a way I did not understand.She was patient, caring, and always took time to listen to others. Iwatched her for a number of weeks, and slowly built enough confidenceto ask her a question about knowing God’s will.

Sharon discreetly answered my question, without drawing anyattention to the situation. Over a period of time, I becamecomfortable asking her other questions about God when no one else wasaround. She would quietly and wisely provide a brief answer.

Sharon won my trust, and one day I told her that I’d like to talkwith her. Maybe she can help me with my lack of peace, I thought.Over lunch, I told her my deepest fears. “I’m gay, and I know if Idie, I’m going to hell, and that I cannot be saved.”

Sharon responded by listening to my heartaches. By the end of theconversation, she had let me know that God did care about me, andthat He could save me. She did not preach to me or condemn me.

At my suggestion, we met again for dinner the following Saturday.I had more questions about God and what He might be able to do forme. Sharon shared some Scriptures, especially those describing theGospel in 1 Cor. 15. She helped me to see that I needed to repentfrom my sins, and continue seeking God. “He will give you thestrength to overcome your sins,” she told me, explaining that faithin Jesus Christ and obedience to His Word were the keys to my beingsaved and set free from sin. As I obeyed Him and was filled with HisSpirit, I would have the power to overcome sin.

Not long afterward, I began attending Sharon’s church. As Ihurried to the altar that night, I could feel the barriers around myheart being torn down. The tears came in a flood. That night, I wasbaptized. As I came up out of the water, I felt cleaner than I’d everbeen in my life. The next day, I quit smoking cigarettes and cussing.I wrote in my journal, “I want my own room and I don’t want to sharemy bed with anyone anymore”. It was as though my own will had diedand a new will was transplanted in its place.

That week, my roommate was gone on a week long trip. When shereturned, she read my journal while I was not at home, thenrearranged the house. I had my own room. My new desires were becominga reality!

I remained at the house for another month, then moved in with afamily from church. Being with mature women offered good role models.And being in the presence of men in these surroundings helped me tobegin relating to men in a positive way. I could observe godly familyinteraction firsthand.

I quit playing on my all-lesbian softball team and removed myselffrom their social support. It was time to separate myself from theold environment.

I spent much time studying the Bible. Using it as a mirror, Idiscovered much about myself. My relationship with the Lord grew andJesus became my friend and companion as I learned more about Him.

During this period, as my desires were being transformed towardGod, I began to change outwardly. I gave away all my manly lookingattire, all the material things that pertained to my previouslifestyle, and anything else that did not seem to “fit” me anylonger.

I traded my blue jeans for dresses, and my softball glove for aBible. I even began to feel comfortable as a woman in my inner being;no longer did I believe that God had made me a homosexual.

The power of the Gospel was alive in my life, freeing me andgenuinely creating a new creature in Christ Jesus. As the Bible says,”Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old thingsare passed away; behold, all things are become new” (2 Cor. 5:17).Being filled with the Spirit of God has been one of the mostremarkable experiences of my life. As a result of much prayer, theLord revealed the wounded areas concerning my family relationships.With the Lord’s help, these areas began to heal-one step at a time.God has continued to use Sharon, a Christian wife and mother, toprovide a close, healthy friendship for me, helping me to overcomesome of the dysfunction and effects of sin in my life. About fiveyears ago, a pro-gay organization gave a class at a local collegethat was advertised on the radio and in newspapers. I was appalled,and decided to create literature to distribute outside of theclassroom. I rented a post office box where people could write to meand named my outreach “Freedom”. Since then, as opportunities havearisen, I have continued to witness to others about how God hasdelivered me from the lesbian lifestyle.

Through my own life, I can tell women, “God called me out of thedarkness of an eighteen year life in homosexuality. He can alsodeliver you.” Now I’ve been freed from the burdens of sin for overthirteen years, and I am being healed from the scars created by it.I’ve found freedom through the power of Jesus Christ.

Karen Dyer is the director of “Freedom” ministry in Denver,which includes teaching, counseling, and support groups. Copyright(C) 1991, 1993 Freedom. Distributed by Love in Action P.O. Box753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307; 901/542-0250

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