Focus on AbuseFocus on AbuseUp until the age of 12 I had been sexually pure. At that time I had a girl friend whom I liked very much, even though the guys in my school used to call me ‘queer’.
One day whilst on my way to my mother’s workplace a guy grabbed me and raped me at knifepoint. He was a normal-looking guy, not a gangster type or looking evil in any way. This act of violence left me wondering if I was in fact ‘queer’. Later I accepted that lie, since I thought that the guy that raped me saw me as ‘queer’, that’s why he raped me.
I kept the fact that I was raped to myself, and turned to become a very closed person. The relationship with the girl was broken. I was too scared to let anybody become too familiar with me, for I was afraid that they would find out about my secret. I did not even like being close to my mother as before, because I thought she would be able to see in me what happened.
A year later in high school I started targeting boys (I preferred ‘straight’ boys, not gay boys) to perform sexual acts with me. My aim was to get as many of them spoilt like I was. It was quite easy, since at that age many boys start to masturbate and explore sexually.
As the pattern developed I started thinking back to the rapist in an affectionate way. At first this horrified me, but I did not even feel ashamed about this later on. This caused me to conclude that I had to be a really bad person. So I started doing more and more terrible things. I did things like dressing up as a female just to shock my family and willfully brought shame on my family by my sexual actions. Yet the strong sexual drive to get the innocent involved with me sexually caused me to cast off all regard for my own dignity and the dignity of my family.
By the time I left school I already had sex with numerous guys, including a married man who was a gangster. I also had some steady relationships with guys, but the breaking up of these relationships just caused me to become more hardened towards ‘normal’ people, especially Christians who did not approve of the homosexual lifestyle.
This lifestyle led me into drugs and alcohol. I started losing all self-respect (although I did not admit it to myself at that time) and respect for others. Many times I was so disgusted with myself after having had sex with someone, because of the type of persons I started to have sex with, that I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I started hating the image that stared back at me when I looked in the mirror. This downward spiral of degradation continued. I ended up paying for sex.
I moved back home and to please my parents I started attending church. I joined the church choir. Yet I also continued my own life and still lived in the destructive patterns of life. It was only when I had a car accident that I started thinking about my life.
On one occasion, while being part of the church choir, a sermon about the love of God for me really spoke to my heart. I took hold of that love, that pure love, and asked God to forgive all my sin. From that night onwards the Lord Jesus gave me the strength to walk away from all the filth I used to live in. I’m serving the Lord now, by His grace, for eight years.
Edward George
April 1998
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