Forever Gone…But Still Alive Forever Gone…But Still Alive
By Jessica Errico
The day my brother’s sex-change surgery became a reality, I wasoverwhelmed with grief. How should I relate to my brother, now thathe was a woman?
Grief clung to my body like a mourning shroud. Sorrow, like I’dnever known, crushed me. I pushed against the heavy door and enteredthe store. On any other day, the brightly-colored cards and friendlystuffed animals would have cheered me. But this day was unlike anyother. The weight of my grief would not lift.
How could I cope with the death of a person who was still alive?Having never lost a loved one, I was unprepared for the pain I felt.And this experience of loss was in no way typical. It defied anygeneralized outline of the “stages of grieving.” I had just lost mythirty-year-old brother. By a surgical procedure, he had become mysister.
Scanning the racks of cards, I noticed the various headings. No,this popular greeting card franchise didn’t provide a selection forthe “New Transsexual in Your Life.”
Would a “get well” message be appropriate, or did a birthdaygreeting better fit this occasion? I settled on a cheery, nondescriptcard that said, “Hope your stay in the hospital is bearable.”
Though we had known for years that Jim thought a sex-changeoperation was the answer to his problems, today everything becamefinal. I was forced to say goodbye to my younger brother. Jim wasgone, and I was supposed to accept “Jennifer” instead. Confused andnumb, I couldn’t understand why God had not intervened.
Nine years ago, Jim told the family that he had lived in agonymost of his life. Since childhood, he’d felt trapped in the wrongbody. He forced himself to participate in Pee Wee football,mountain-climbing clubs, and weight lifting. He tried to prove he wasmasculine. Yet the feeling that he was a woman in a man’s body didnot go away.
We accepted Jim’s reclusive behavior as part of his creative andsensitive nature. He successfully hid the inner “hell” that kept himin torment for twenty-one years. I couldn’t begin to comprehend howhe felt when, upon seeing a pretty girl on the street, he knew heshould experience some sort of attraction to her, but instead onlywished he could look like her.
When Jim first told us his unhappy secret, shock waves buffetedour family. My husband and I, though grieved by Jim’s disclosure,promised to accept and love him no matter which gender he mightchoose. If he was determined to become a woman, we would love himunconditionally. But, in truth, we never stopped hoping that he wouldfind a different answer to his identity crisis.
The ensuing years continued to be a lonely nightmare for Jim and atime of desperate uncertainty for those of us who loved him. We wereaware of his suicidal moments and the torment of his soul; and weached to come up with a solution, a “cure” to make everything the wayit should be.
Jim submitted to psychological testing, to biochemical andhormonal evaluations, but nothing conclusive was found to warrant asex change. At the same time, the results did nothing to help himfeel more comfortable in his masculine body.
What caused his gender confusion? Was it because he was apremature baby, second-born in a family where the father was away onbusiness much of the time?
As Jim struggled with the “whys?” and “should have beens,” therest of the family wondered if they had added to his turmoil. I wishnow that I had sought the Great Physician for answers back in thoseearly years. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until recently that I learnedof Jesus’ ability to heal us emotionally, spiritually, andphysically.
While we supported Jim in his attempts to sort out his sexualidentity, God slowly cemented the truth of Christ Jesus into ourhearts. We grew in the knowledge of His grace and felt His healingtouch in our own lives. The Holy Spirit became real to both myhusband and me. We felt challenged to leave the shallow waters offaith and depend more deeply on Him.
Four months before Jim’s operation, we both felt we should begininterceding for him. We believed God was telling us the sex changewas wrong and that we should pray against it. This reversal in oursupport bewildered Jim. Yet we sensed that God wanted to heal him ofall his confusion and that Jim should not take matters into his ownhands.
Explaining to Jim that God had made him the way he was and thatsurgery wasn’t the answer to his problems was difficult, especiallyby telephone. Jim became defensive and teary during suchconversations, and it broke my heart to hear him hurting. Hecontended that, since he only felt at peace when he dressed as awoman or visualized himself as one, God’s will was for him to behealed by the sex change.
We prayed fervently that the blinders that kept Jim from seeingJesus’ love for him would fall away. We prayed that Satan (the masterof deception) would be bound and that God would give Jim masculinefeelings. At one point, the upcoming surgery was postponed. Our hopessoared.
Determined to be done with the agonizing uncertainty of his life,Jim picked a new date for his operation. On the night before hissurgery, I lay face down on our living room carpet and sobbed for mybrother until the carpet was drenched with my tears. I cried for allthe emotional pain he had endured. Great waves of compassion rolledthrough my body.
I prayed for forgiveness for any hurts I might have caused Jimduring our childhood years. I proclaimed my love for my brother. Ispoke also of Jesus’ love for him. I believed God for His power to doanything.
Surely Jesus would step in at the eleventh hour and save mybrother. Surely my unbelieving family would come to a savingknowledge of Jesus Christ through such a miracle. Would not the Godwho stopped Saul on the road to Damascus also interrupt Jim’s life inan equally miraculous fashion?
A phone call to the hospital the next day flattened my faith. Irequested information about J. Marsh. The receptionist, taking amoment to consult the floor nurse, responded, “Oh, yes. She has justgone to her room from recovery. Would you like to speak to her?”Reality hit with the driving force of a hammer, shattering my hopes.
“No, I’ll call back later, when she might feel more like talking,”I heard my faltering voice say.
God had not acted the way I believed He would. Why did God allowJim to destroy the body he had been born with? The seeming finalityof what had happened mocked my faith. I had believed that God wouldinterfere and spare Jim the consequences of a true transsexuallifestyle. But Jim got what he thought he wanted.
I realized that his lifetime struggle had not been to becomesomething or someone, but to destroy something. It seemed to me thatJim was shaking his fist at God, saying, “I hate the way You made me,and see-I did something about it.”
Was Jim’s hardness of heart an obstacle to how I wanted God towork? I don’t know. I’m sure that God called me to intercede for Jim.Even so, God tells me in Scripture that “as the heavens are higherthan the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughtsthan your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:9). It’s not necessary for me tounderstand.
Jim’s surgery was a day of mourning for me. The whole familyreeled in the aftermath of nine anguished years of hoping that Jimwouldn’t do it. I felt abandoned by God, as if all our prayers hadfallen on deaf ears. My faith, having been fanned by the knowledgethat “nothing is impossible” for God, was now a dying ember.
Late that evening, a Christian friend who had prayed diligentlyagainst Jim’s surgery called to say he had heard the news. I sharedmy despair with him. His optimistic faith tugged uselessly at mynumbed heart.
“But Tom,” I pleaded, “don’t you understand? It’s not like Jim hasgone `off the wagon’ or something. This is mutilation! Why didn’t Godstop it?”
Patiently, Tom spoke words of truth and hope, reassuring me thatGod was yet in control. All was not lost.
Wasn’t Jim’s need to come to Jesus Christ the most important thingin his life? This could still happen despite what Jim had done. Andcouldn’t our Almighty God (who healed the flesh of lepers and calledforth even the dead) still heal my brother’s body, if He chose to?
As Tom talked, I felt my despair begin to ebb away. Faith began toflicker again. God is always in control. To His glory, He is able totake all the circumstances of our lives and weave them into atapestry that tells of salvation through Jesus Christ-if we let Him.I knew I needed to refocus my prayers for Jim and not discount whatGod could yet do in this situation.
How will God deal with “Jennifer”? Does He still see her as thebaby boy He formed in our mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13)? Will mysister’s stubborn heart ever submit to the Holy Spirit?
Jesus is not ashamed of His children; rather, when we repent, Hewelcomes us into His kingdom and into the wholeness of His love. Iknew that, in trusting Him with my sister, I also had to show Jesus’love for her.
Today, Jim says he is happier as Jennifer. Soon “Jennifer” will behis legal name, and I’ve been dealing with many ambivalent feelings.How do I reconcile all the past memories of me and my brother?
Do I shelve old photographs as if Jim is gone forever and begin awhole new relationship with Jennifer? What do I tell my preschoolchildren about their new aunt, when they’ve heard us talk about Jim?In spite of this confusion, everywhere I turn I hear God’s voicetelling me to simply love her.
Yet, I’m struggling. The unconditional love I promised Jim allthose years ago does not spring willingly from my heart. God ispersistently teaching me how to love Jennifer more, to wish the bestfor her, and to trust her welfare to Him.
A Christian song, a book, and the keynote speaker at a conferencehave all been used by God to show me that loving is His firstcommandment. If I’m to be obedient to my Lord in this matter, I willlove and trust.
Gradually, the grieving and questioning have subsided, and I havediscovered the true freedom of relinquishing a loved one to Christ.Now my prayer is: “Yes Lord, show me how to love with Your kind oflove, so that I might be Your light in my family and in this hurtingworld.”
Miraculously, as I seek more love for Jennifer, just as she is,God is building my faith that He will bring her to Himself; and itwill be to His glory!
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