#7-13 part 1: A Firm Foundation for a Future Family
Posted by: homenews <homenews@...>
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THE HOPE CHEST HOME SCHOOL NEWS
with Virginia Knowles
#7-13 Part 1 on July 30, 2004
A Firm Foundation for a Future Family
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The Hope Chest is a free e-mail newsletter with encouragement and practical teaching tips. The writer is Virginia Knowles, wife of Thad, mother of nine children, and author of Common Sense Excellence: Faith-Filled Home Education for Preschool to 5th Grade, and The Real Life Home School Mom.
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Dear Hope Chest friends,
OK, I know many of you are thinking, I'm just starting out home schooling a kindergartner! Why do I'M need to think about her future family? Honey, it will be here in the blink of an eye! Not only that, once your kids hit the preteen years (when so many kids start dating?!?), you'll get emotional whiplash if you aren't prepared with some convictions of your own! So, hold on tight and here we go!
This is what you will find in this issue:
- The Mall Story (Or, Why My Daughters Don't Date)
- Excerpt from The Real Life Home School Mom
- A Potpourri of Thoughts and Stories from Hope Chest readers
In a separate e-mail, I am sending:
- Questions for Daughters and Moms in Preparing for Future Families (by Sheree Phillips)
- Links to Resources by Carolyn Mahaney and her Daughters
The Mall Story
(Or, Why My Daughters Don't Date)
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Some time ago, I took a rare trip to the mall with three of my daughters, who were under the age of 15 at the time. In the candy store, a twentysomething male clerk jokingly asked, So when are your daughters going to be old enough to date? I wasn't sure what his intentions were, but I was in a lighthearted mood, so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Hiding a smile because I knew the shock effect of my forthcoming words, I replied, When they are old enough to marry He and the lady clerk both laughed -- until I assured them that I wasnt joking! You should have seen their jaws drop! (It was the same kind of reaction I get when I answer a strangers question of how many children I have! Nine?!?!) I did take just a few more minutes to explain the concept of courtship, and the two clerks actually understood my reasoning. Imagine that! A common sense way to avoid all the heartbreak caused by the modern American dating scene! I think we must be onto something, folks!
Here are just a few reasons for our teenagers NOT to date:
- Dating brings the temptation to do what needs to be saved until marriage, which may be several years away. You want the person to keep liking you, so you do things, say things, wear things to attract and keep their attention. This goes further and further and further
- Most teens are not yet sure of who they are, what they want in life, or what makes a good spouse. They simply lack the emotional and mental maturity to make sound decisions that need to last a lifetime.
- Dating ruins lots of friendships through jealousy and breakups.
- Dating can be a huge waste of time, which is spent worrying about who you will go out with this weekend, trying to impress the opposite sex through clothes or behavior, gossiping with friends about who you like, getting depressed over who wont ask you out or who dumped you, etc. This time can be better spent serving other people, developing solid work habits and excelling in academics.
- Dating gives a piece of the heart away that needs to be saved for a husband or a wife -- its just like a piece of tape that gets stuck and unstuck repeatedly and loses its stickiness. Dating conditions the heart to make shallower commitments so it can release itself whenever the going gets rough. This is like a series of mini-divorces.
By the way, speaking of shopping malls, it may be fun to people watch there, but its not a place I want my kids to hang out unsupervised very often! Have you seen how young people market themselves to the opposite sex? What do they think they are going to get for their efforts? My idea of romance is more like a custom tailor shop (with God as the sole proprietor!) than a mall full of window shoppers! Just a thought!
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Excerpt from The Real Life Home School Mom
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[The following is an excerpt from the chapter A Vision for the Future in my first book, The Real Life Home School Mom, which was published in 2000. Three of my daughters are already teenagers now! E-mail me if you are interested in purchasing a copy of The Real Life Home School Mom! For more info, including the introduction and chapter summaries, click here:
http://www.thehopechest.net/RealLife.html ]If our children are destined for marriage, how will they find God-fearing spouses? I may be hopelessly old-fashioned, but as my sweet daughters become young teens, I just cant see sending them off on dates with any red-blooded American boys. Like many home school parents, my husband and I are very attracted by the model of courtsihp. Basically, this means that relationships are reserved for adults who are logistically and emotionally prepared to make permanent commitments, rather than play around with a series of tender young hearts. The goal is serious preparation for marriage, so courtship is marked by maturity, purity, and guidance from parents and pastors.
May I share a little of my own story? I first moved to Florida, far away from my parents, when I was 17 and in my second semester of college. Why? I was in love with a boy I had met on an overseas summer missions team. It was a very volatile match, and two years later we canceled our wedding plans. Over the next year, I went on a few dates and learned the folly of chasing guys who werent interested in me. I also devoured Elisabeth Elliotts book Passion and Purity. I often wondered when I would meet Mr. Right. Then, when I was almost 21 and a college senior, I met him at church. Thad, who is four years older than I, had not dated for about three years because he was convicted by the Lord to keep his heart pure. As we got to know each other, he told me he would not pursue any relationship without the goal of marriage. What a relief that was to me, since I wanted no further part of the dating scene! Over the next year, the Lords direction to marry was confirmed by our families and the pastors who did our pre-marital counseling. Our wedding was a joyous occasion, and I have reaped the abundant benefits of marriage to a faithful Christian man.
I want our children to be likewise blessed with Christ-filled marriages, unless God calls them to sanctified singleness. I often pray for their future spouses, that God would raise them up in love, wisdom and purity. And I see that I must prepare my own children to fulfill Biblical roles in marriage. I want my daughters to know that there is no shame in pouring their lives into being full-time wives and mothers. I want my sons to revel in their responsibility to lead, protect and provide for their families. I want them all to know that children are a precious gift and heritage to be raised in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. And I hope that when we are old and decrepit, they will still remember to honor Mom and Dad with tender care.
How can a mom prepare her daughter to be a wife and mother? We can set an example, in big and small ways, as we live our daily lives. They will learn the essence of it as they see us relate to our husbands, nurture and discipline our children (including them!), plan and teach academics, organize, economize, cook, clean, sew, garden, decorate, fix things, tend to sick ones, show mercy to the needy, and so forth. It will be entirely natural for them to work alongside us and even to take over various tasks as the years go by. When they leave the apprenticeship of our homes, they will be equipped!
Likewise, our sons can be prepared for adulthood by watching their fathers cherish and serve Mom, discipline the children, make leadership decisions, provide and steward the family finances, maintain the house/yard/car/equipment, and all the other things that husbands do. Wise parents also make sure that their sons will be capable, in character and skills, to provide for their families without depending on income from their wives. We are looking out for our grandchildren!
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A Potpourri of Thoughts and Stories from Hope Chest Readers
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From Becky Moore: When our first son got old enough to think about dating, we began having second thoughts about it. We knew how difficult it was for us dating in Bible college and the temptations and emotions that came with it. We prayed at length for God's wisdom. To make a long story short, when our son was 19, he came and asked us about a particular girl. He didn't want to date her, but had been praying about courtship. He truly desired the will of God concerning a wife. After speaking with her father, their courtship began. In some ways it was inconvenient for us as parents--they wanted someone with them all the time. We did a lot of things as a family and truly got to know her. They spent a lot of time in each others homes and saw each other in lots of situations. Our son worked for a year with her dad. Her parents have a great respect for our son. The family relationships are strong. It may seem crazy to some, but he never held her hand or kissed her till their wedding night. They both feel it made their relationship stronger and they honored each other and God with their lives. I know this might not work for everyone. Our second son is 17 and is content to wait for the Lord's will for his life in this area. He has the example of his older brother. I'm so thankful for the desire I see in my children to please God even when it might not be the popular thing to do. I have to say that lots of prayer, fasting, and trusting God with the lives of our children truly makes the difference.
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From Lynn Stone: Is it an invasion of privacy for parents to get involved in the courtship process? Au contraire! You can be more objective in evaluating a potential spouse because you (hopefully) arent caught up in the romantic emotions. You can often see the blind spots in your own childs life that need to be worked on before marriage. You can offer the safeguard of accountability. You get to build a healthy foundation for your future as in-laws. You can share your wealth of experience and advice with your children. If you want to have any healthy involvement in this, its going to take some heartfelt trust from your children! If you dont have this, youd better work on it now, even if they are still really young. You can talk forever about your principles and convictions, but if you dont have the hearts of your children, things can still go WAY wrong. Keep the lines of communication open. Build bridges, not barriers. Dont pry any more than necessary. Back off on the nitpicking. Give them the freedom to make many of their own decisions in the safety of their own homes, under your supervision. Most of all, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!
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From Nancy Metzger: I think that our current American practice of allowing young people with no intentions of marrying in the near future, no means of supporting themselves, an unfinished education, full of hormones to have loads of unsupervised time alone together under the guise of "dating" is more a recipe for disaster than a happy home. Our family believes that more of a "courtship" style, or simply developing friendships without all the trappings of "romance" are much more effective in promoting purity in our youth.
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From Ginger Hill: I feel more countercultural by the minute, but I just dont get why so many young ladies spend so much time and money to get degrees in career areas that they cant use while nurturing a family -- especially by going to expensive collleges far away from home. I think its wise when young women think about the long term nature of family life (especially home schooling), not just the first few employment years after college. Not that they should just sit around twiddling their thumbs waiting for Prince Charming! As God leads, they can still get an education (either by independent study or a local college), work on their income-producing skills (through home business or an outside job), find practical ways to bless and serve others, and, of course, prepare themselves to nurture a husband and children. And they can do all of this while staying out of debt and not abandoning their existing family and church relationships. I know this is radical stuff to those of us raised in the decades of feminism and independence. It takes some renewing of the mind to buck conformance to the culture. Why not do an in-depth study on the Biblical roles of young women, starting in Titus 2 and Proverbs 31?
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From Joy Chambers: Preparing your young people for marriage - Our experience has been wonderful thus far. We have encouraged our children to wait on the Lord in the relationship arena and have worked hard at not focusing on just the word, "courtship", but the concept of trusting God with your life and your future mate. Many times we homeschooling moms can burn the bridge before our children even get there by harping on something too hard. I believe that is often true with the idea of courtship. The Biblical mandate is to walk with God and let Him lead you - that is why I loved the book by the Ludy's - When God Writes Your Love Story - because your child's story will not be like anyone else in history. You can read them the courtship testimonies all you want, but God has a plan that He wants to work out through their lives. Our eldest son kept a long-term friendship with a homeschool girl in another state, as well as many other friends he had to move away from. We had been close to their family when God moved us across the country. One day, many years after we had been gone (they were 14 when we moved away), he began to wonder if there was any future to their friendship. We encouraged him to pray about it, as would we, and not to mention it to her yet. He eventually decided that she would not be interested and did not think about it any more. Many months later they ended up in a conversation that just stopped, when suddenly they both realized that they were wondering the same thing about each other - could you be for me?? We had our son call her parents to ask their permission to pursue that thought. They wholeheartedly consented and so began an email, phone-calling, sometimes a visit relationship. They married two years ago in the church where we had all first gotten to know each other. She is more than I could have dreamed of in terms of a godly, radiant, beautiful daughter-in-love. It was so wonderful to realize that she was the girl we had prayed for all of those years as we prayed for our son's mate. At their rehearsal dinner, we had our son tell their story to everyone there; it was a testimony to others of how God loves us and delights to work on our behalf. My advice is to allow God to work; do not put your time table, your pattern, your twist on it. Homeschool moms can drive their children into the very thing they do not want them to do, by insisting that they do it a certain way. Give Him control - Let God truly write your child's love story - it will be like no other story ever written.
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From Mardy Freeman: There are two primary things a parent needs to do to prepare a child for marriage and if these two things are done, most everything else will fall into place, ie: God will make sure they are added unto your child: 1. Work on your own marriage so that your children have as much real-life exposure to real-life marriage issues such as submission, forgiveness, flexibility, acceptance and humor as possible. These experiences become the fabric of their thinking and values, no matter what we tell them. 2. Teach them how to hear the Lords voice while they are still teens, so they get into the habit of making God-pleasing decisions. Unfortunately, our family has seen more than our share of relationship-deterioration and crashes in the conservative Christian homeschool arena between older teens or young adults and their parents over issues such as marriage. The problem? Parents who should be working themselves out of a job by teaching their children how to hear the Lords voice and make wise decisions in their youth are maintaining the same level of control over them as they mature. Dont misunderstand we are not for teens doing anything they want (using their freedom as a cover for sin); we are for parents learning to let that leash of control out at the proper time so that they get practice making adult-type decisions (which marriage is) in the safety of our own homes.
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From Leisa Lee: I pray for wisdom in that decision in my children. I am praying for the little girl who will one day be my son's wife. I pray that God mold her to be everything that he will need as his wife and helpmate. And the same thing for my little girl. I pray for the boy who will one day be her husband, that God will make him all that he needs to be to be a Godly husband and father to their children.
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This information was forwarded by Dorrie Champagne
From Crystal Paine: My husband and I (both homeschool graduates) recently launched a home business dedicated to providing a Christian alternative to the secular wedding industry. In planning our wedding a year and a half ago, we were disappointed at the lack of modest dresses or other God-honoring wedding planning help. We are also selling a number of unique products to encourage parents to wisely prepare their children for marriage and raising Godly families of their own. We are desiring to especially be a resource for the homeschooling community. For more information, go to:
http://www.covenantweddingsource.com~~~
One last note from Virginia: When our fifth daughter was born, our pediatrician quipped that we should buy a good ladder and hope they all elope. I dont think so! Still, the thought of getting my children ready for a lifetime of marriage -- not just a romantic wedding -- is a very sobering one. But the Lord is in control. As I pray for my children, my heart is filled with the knowledge and hope that our Gracious God is going to do great and marvelous things!
In His Sovereign Grace,
Virginia Knowles
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