#9-3 part 3: Our Readers Write --- A Future for Our Daughters
Posted by: homenews <homenews@...>
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Hope Chest Home School News
with Virginia Knowles
April 28, 2006
#9-3: A Future For Our Daughters
Part 3: Our Readers Write
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The Hope Chest is the free e-magazine of Virginia Knowles, wife of Thad and mother of seven daughters and three sons. She is also the author of The Real Life Home School Mom and Common Sense Excellence: Faith-Filled Home Education for Preschool to 5th Grade, as well as the designer of The Learners Journal lesson planner and resource log.
Hope Chest Contact Information
Web site: http://www.TheHopeChest.net
Subscription address: [email protected]
Unsubscription address: [email protected]
General e-mail: [email protected]
Private e-mail for my eyes only: [email protected]
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Hello Hope Chest friends!
In the March extras and announcements I asked you all to share how you are preparing your daughters for a traditional (non-feminist) lifestyle, and how you personally are learning to respond to the priority of motherhood. I received many wonderful responses. Thank you all so much! If you sent something in, and dont see it here, then you can be sure I lost it in my e-mail crash. Feel free to resend it!
I had originally planned to do the final part of this issue the resource reviews within the next week. However, due to various and sundry circumstances of life, thats going to have to wait until after we finish school for the year at the end of May. Ill just make it issue #9-4 instead.
Our family has been through an onslaught of the tummy flu this week. Only one of my ten children was spared the agony. We were scheduled for a beach trip to start Wednesday, but had postponed it until the kids got better. Things were looking up Wednesday morning, so I shopped for supplies and spent hours packing bins and bags so we could leave early Thursday. Just when I stacked the last parcel in the huge pile by the front door, three of the kids started throwing up again! Thad says to leave most of the stuff packed, because well try again in a week or so. He takes such good care of us! I am definitely blessed in the husband department. Hes been right there with me all the way. After being up at least twenty times last night with Melody, Ben and Lydia, I told my mom this morning, There is never a dull moment in our house! She replied, Well, thats what you signed up for when you decided to keep having babies! Yep, thats true! Before we got married, I never dreamed of having ten kids or home schooling. Its a walk of faith, for sure, but even more surely a life of blessings-in-disguise. I may be certifiably insane, but I wouldnt trade it for anything.
It sort of reminds me of excerpts from Theodore Roosevelts On American Motherhood speech which I read in an old Salt Magazine (http://www.saltmagazine.com) recently. The thought-provoking and lovely article is way too long to include, but here is a paragraph or two...
No ordinary work done by a man is either as hard or as responsible as the work of a woman who is bringing up a family of small children; for upon her time and strength demands are made not only every hour of the day but often every hour of the night. She may have to get up night after night to take care of a sick child, and yet must by day continue to do all her household duties as well; and if the family means are scant she must usually enjoy even her rare holidays taking her whole brood of children with her. The birth pangs make all men the debtors of all women. Above all our sympathy and regard are due to the struggling wives among those whom Abraham Lincoln called the plain people, and whom he so loved and trusted; for the lives of these women are often led on the lonely heights of quiet, self-sacrificing heroism. Just as the happiest and most honorable and most useful task that can be set any man is to earn enough for the support of his wife and family, for the bringing up and starting in life of his children, so the most important, the most honorable and desirable task which can be set any woman is to be a good and wise mother in a home marked by self-respect and mutual forbearance, by willingness to perform duty, and by refusal to sink into self-indulgence or avoid that which entails effort and self-sacrifice.
Winston Churchill once said, I have no fear of the future. Let us go forward into its mysteries, let us tear aside the veils which hide it from our eyes and let us move onward with confidence and courage.
Whatever the future holds for us, for our daughters and sons, let us be assured that we walk all of our lives in the palms of Gods hands.
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I wrote all of that yesterday (Thursday). Not long after I finished, I got a call from Mary, who had just finished up her finals on campus and was trying to get forms notarized for her Orlando Sentinel summer internship. (She got it!) While walking in the Student Union, she cut her toe open on the edge of door, and needed us to come pick her and her car up since she couldnt drive. As Thad and I walked into the Health Center, where she was getting glued back together with Durabond, I noticed several posters about HIV and STD testing. I trust shell never need those. While Thad wheeled her out to the car, Mary mentioned that she had a dinner invitation to join several of the students on the Central Florida Future campus newspaper staff not far from school. I didnt mind a little diversion, and I wanted to meet Marys friends, so I offered to take her in Thads Honda while he drove her Toyota home. It was quickly apparent that most of these young ladies and their boyfriends live in a different mindset than my own making their own way in the world without much thought about faith and family. How I longed to gather up these journalism chicks under my mama hen wings and say, Ive got GOOD NEWS for you! His name is Jesus, and once you meet him, your future will never be the same! But it was better for me, as the uninvited outsider, to watch, listen, smile and pray, with only a few brief comments and questions. It is for Mary to be the continuing Christian influence. I thought how easy it would be for her to just want to blend in. You are an ambassador, I remind her when she leaves the house each day. And to our Heavenly Father, I say, Lord, have mercy on us all!
Blessings of Grace,
Virginia Knowles
OUR READERS WRITE
© Struggling Mothers A Poem by Diane Hornbeck
© A Lawyer Comes Home by Colleen Braden
© Sounds Like Communist Romania! by Monica Smithson
© I Am Living My Mothers Dream! by Renee Nix
© Raising Little Ladies by Suzanne Jones
© Beyond Cinderalla by Joanna Moore
© Wisdom for Life by Billie Jones
© Question Everything? by Newt Sherwin
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Struggling Mothers
A Poem by Diane Hornbeck
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Struggling mothers,
Feet hit the floor, and already behind
More to be done, than can be done in a lifetime
Yet only another day is given
Many tasks before her,
A child to be changed
A babe to be nursed,
A young lad sounds out a word
An older sister struggles to define "x"
The laundry, and the dishes, and the bathroom call
She must oversee each task, while performing her own
The world doesn't see her
The world doesn't care
Her life a waste, in their eyes
She could be reading People
Following Brad and Jen, or is it Angelina?
Or Britney and Kevin
Or Jessica
She could be an idol
Or conquering fear
Or being made over
Yet she goes through the day
Head spinning, dryer running,
kids calling, husband desiring
Feeling so inadequate, never finishing
Does she fail?
To the world, yes.
To herself, often
But what's done is written
In heaven's book
Forever
If done for Christ
Diane Hornbeck has been the wife of Dave for 17 years and is a homeschooling mom to eight in Michigan.
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A Lawyer Comes Home by Colleen Braden
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[Virginias note: I asked my friend Colleen for her input on this topic. I first met her many years ago at a home school support group meeting, the day before she gave birth to her third child!]
After reading your article in Hope Chest #9-3, I kept thinking to myself, "I agree! I agree!" I could especially identify with the following thoughts:
"I may be hopelessly old-fashioned, but I personally cant see the wisdom in an electrical engineering degree if she has any thought of getting married and having children. Ive known many girls who felt they had to keep working in their careers after they had children because they spent four years and a whole lot of their parents money on getting the degree, or because they were still paying off steep college debts, or because their husbands were so used to getting all that extra money from the wifes paycheck each month."
As you know, before becoming a homeschool mom, I was an attorney for 9 years. How I came to leave all that behind and become a homeschool mom is nothing less than an amazing story of God's sovereign grace!
I can't say I ever had a burning desire to become an attorney. It's just that I loved to learn and always did very well in school. My parents saw that I had potential to be "whatever I wanted to be." Of course, in their mind, that meant worldly success, like becoming a doctor or a lawyer, so that is what they encouraged me to do. Although we regularly attended church and considered ourselves to be Christians, we never read the Bible (can't even remember seeing one in the house), and certainly did not have a biblical worldview. So, I chose the path that I was encouraged to follow, got a business degree and went on to law school. In the back of my mind, I always dreamed of getting married and having children, but I naively thought that I could "have it all", career and family included.
As it turns out, I met my husband-to-be in Orlando where I was working for a short time between undergrad and law school. We got married in 1990 during my first year of law school. We delayed starting a family until I could get "established" in my career. Fortunately (by God's grace), the law firm where I "got established" generously allowed me to work from home for almost an entire year after my first child was born in 1996. When it was time to put her in daycare, I remember crying to my husband that first week that I only had 2 hours a day to be with her by the time we got home, ate dinner and then had to put her to bed! My heart was breaking, but at the same time, I never really considered giving up my career when I had invested so much time, money (mostly my parents') and hard work to get there, not to mention all the student loans needing to be paid. And, to be quite honest, we had grown comfortable with the double-income lifestyle. I resigned myself to the fact that this is just how life was supposed to be!
A year later, we had our first son. Again, I was able to work from home for almost a year and then had to put him in daycare, too. Now the pull on my heart was twice as strong! God was working it all out, unbeknownst to me! A few months later I surrendered my life to Christ and began to devour God's Word. This is when God began to really work in my heart and change my priorities. While in one respect, I didn't think I could ever be a stay-at-home mom (Me?! I don't have the patience for that!), I guess deep down that was the desire of my heart. God knew that, of course and so, as I delighted myself in Him, He gave me the desires of my heart.
But being a stay-at-home mom and being a HOMESCHOOL mom are two different things! God had plans (and challenges) for me that I never could have imagined! Through many circumstances, including my becoming pregnant with our third child (that's when I met you!), my oldest approaching kindergarten age, a change of careers for my husband, and a move to South Florida, God led us into homeschooling. At first, I was reluctant and considered it only a temporary solution. In my mind, I would homeschool my daughter for kindergarten and then, after we got settled in South Florida, we'd find a nice private Christian school for her to begin First Grade. So, I thought! But, as I came to learn, God's thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways are higher than our ways. God used our circumstances to sort of throw us into homeschooling, but it wasn't until later, when I began to research the homeschooling movement and began to meet homeschooling families, that he captured my heart with what I now consider a "calling" on my life. It is my desire now to be a faithful steward of these precious children whom He has entrusted to my care, to raise them to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him wholeheartedly and with conviction - even if that means, at least for my daughter, "simply" being a godly wife and mother, and carrying on a legacy of joyful obedience to the Lord, regardless of what "the world" (or even other family members) may think about that! In my opinion, real success is living in the center of God's will for your life and bringing Him glory, and that is what I intend to teach my daughter (and my sons).
Thank you for the opportunity to share my thoughts.
Yours in Christ,
Colleen
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Sounds Like Communist Romania! By Monica Smithson
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[Virginias note: Monica is writing in response to the news story about the law professor, Linda Hershmann, who says that moms should NOT stay at home. Monica escaped from Romania as a young Christian school teacher in the early 1980s, and wasnt even able to tell her parents that she was leaving. She found asylum in the U.S. and lives near me. Her son Elliot was in Marys journalism group last year.]
Wow! "She claims that stay-at-home moms are a detriment to society, not just themselves." This sounds so much like communist Romania, where I come from. Anybody who didn't work there was called a parasite of the society and could be put in jail for not trying to build the Communist Empire. Its the same mentality -- women were forced to work after the 1st month they had a baby. The kids were forced to go to daycare so that the government will brain wash them from early on - 'the tabula rasa' ideology (Latin for erasing the board). Give me the kids and I have the whole society,
said Lenin and it's so true. Anyway, the working mothers (if they absolutely don't have to work) are usually working to buy things they don't need, with money they don't have, to impress people they don't like...
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I Am Living My Mothers Dream! by Renee Nix
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[Virginias note: I first met Renee when her daughter Sara was in the journalism club that my daughter Mary founded a couple of years ago. Her sweetness is so evident!]
I am glad you are working on a piece about a more traditional way of life for our daughters. First, let share where I am coming from. I am living my mother's dream. 🙂 You see, she was left pregnant and with a 5 year old after 9 years of marriage. Her dreams of a godly wife shattered. Being raised by her alone (a single, divorced, but not bitter mother) I was told I needed to do something that would ensure a living for myself. Her reasoning was precious: she didn't want me to do something I had to stand on my feet to do. She had to go to work in a factory and waitress after my dad left and sold their gas station and chose not to support us. She was an excellent seamstress, cook and home maker though. I still refer to her home economics notebook occasionally.
I chose cosmetology (on my feet many hours of the day) - not what Mama wanted, but it was my love. I had always done my friends hair since junior high. Now I could get paid to do it. So I went to a community college and took other classes as well. I had been a good student through high school and loved learning. I worked for 4 years and then married my hubby and became a full time military wife. I was no longer standing on my feet -- Mama would be so glad. She went to be present with the Lord the month before I married. We were active in chapels across the country and I was discipled by several godly women. I have come to appreciate and understand "Biblical Femininity" and have worked on being his help meet over the years.
As for Sara (16), we want her to be college educated, but also biblically grounded as a woman. The book Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss really spoke to my heart. Over the years I have read and tried to incorporate countless books, as most homeschooling moms have, about Beautiful Girlhood through Her Hand in Marriage. I can't go as far as the Dad/Daughter tapes by Vision Forum though. That was a bit too unrealistic to me.
My husband now works for Progress Energy, but is a 20 year retired, military, enlisted man that worked his degree in on shore duty through distance learning in the mid 90's before it became the thing to do. We are very grateful for the road we have traveled and what we have learned along the way. The best we feel we can do for Sara is to continue to train her heart knowing that God will transfer that responsibility when He is ready. We guide her by keeping in mind that it will be helpful to be a well rounded young woman and encourage her to look for things that can enrich her own family and possibly make income if the Lord leads her to be a single woman. Granted she is just 16, but this is what it looks like so far for us.
I look forward to the wisdom of those mothers and fathers a few years beyond where we are. I have 2 more daughters. Keep up the great work if it doesn't take away from your own family too much! I love it!
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Raising Little Ladies by Suzanne Jones
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I was blessed by your request for information on how we are preparing our daughter for "more traditional" ways of life and the clarification of "non-feminist." I gave it a thought, and we are doing this with our little daughters, by making sure the dolls they have to play with are "BABY DOLLS" not Barbies or fairies, or the other scantily-clad figures, or those horrible "Bratz" dolls. But instead of only avoiding them (which we try to) if they see them in the store, I make it a point to remind them that those dolls do not have on enough clothes, and how God wants us to clothe ourselves. We of course also want our son to know how inappropriate it is for a young lady to be dressed like these dolls. We encourage taking good care of their baby dolls, washing them, and changing their play diapers, and let them take them anywhere that they will not be a distraction.
I also, make sure the girls have aprons to help cook, and that I wear mine, and for our son we had his grandma make him a "tool apron. The girls' aprons are of course all frilly, and his is tan canvas with hooks to hang toy hammers and special tool pockets, but he can still help cook.
We taught the girls to sort laundry and fold wash cloths at an early age (under 2 years old) and to load the washer. Our 5 year old now has moved on to switching out the laundry from the washer to the dryer and putting away most of her own clothes.
But I think one of the biggest things I do is, if one of the girls says they want to be a mommy when they grow up I make a big deal out of how wonderful that is and how special it is to be a mommy. It had always been my dream to be a wife and Mommy, but growing up in the 70's -80's in public school, no one was clapping for you when you said that's what you "wanted to be when you grow up." I am also home-schooling, my children , which I know will lead to FAR less feminism, and other worldly views, and we limit T.V. choices usually to videos that I have seen before that I know are not preaching feminism, humanism, and rebellion.
Bless You!!
Suzanne Jones
Mother of Abigail (5), Ayden (3), Victoria (21 months), & new daughter due in May!!
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Beyond Cinderella by Joanna Moore
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[Virginias note: I first met Joanna a couple of years ago when her family moved to Florida and a friend referred her to me for information on sewing classes for her teenage daughter. While talking on the phone, I invited her to church, and was delighted when her family showed up and then joined our home group. We sure enjoy having them around!]
Well, first I am not perfect. So I model that, I don't hide that. My daughter (age 17) knows the good and the bad about her parents marriage. I don't want her to grow up thinking marriage is perfect and totally wonderful all the time. I think children, especially daughters, need to know that unlike Cinderella, "Happily Ever After" doesn't mean no problems or disappointments. Then I have raised her in a way that I think is biblical. In Proverbs it gives the definition of a virtuous woman. I have told her that in order to be a good helpmate and mother to her children, she needs to be prepared for what life deals out. So I have encouraged her if God be willing and provides, to try and at least have an associate degree in something. I don't want her to be career oriented, but just seek God and His plans for her life. That means first of all, she needs to know if God is calling her to be single all or most of her life or to be a wife and mother -- if wife and mother, then a career will be counter productive. I taught her the pitfalls of children especially babies, being shut up in daycares all day. So that is one of the reasons a career oriented life style would be counterproductive to being a wife and mother. While waiting on God to show her His plans, she needs to work toward at least an associate degree. The college level classes will better prepare her to be a homeschooling mom. I am judging that by my own weaknesses I see in homeschooling my children. So in that way, having some college, she is a good helpmate and mother in raising their children.
I have modeled to the best of my ability a wife and mother who desires to be a keeper of the home. I have also included her on projects around the home, such as learning sewing, redecorating an entire room, tearing up landscaping and redoing it to make it nicer or more appealing, giving her own area of the yard that is hers to do with as she pleases and plan out and plant what she pleases. All of these projects have given her a glimpse of the joy in being a keeper of the home and making the home inviting. She loves decorating and she enjoyed her flower garden until hurricane Isabell tore it up. I moved into a new construction back in Virginia and she helped in doing some serious landscaping, including cutting down trees in order to have a back yard. She has taken on an entire room to decorate all on her own. She painted and wallpapered and planned the theme. She shopped for furniture and all the accessories. She can't wait to have her own home to manage.
I know of a handful of women whose husbands walked out or died. Those women have to support their children. A college degree to fall back on is beneficial in those circumstances. Only God knows what will happen in our futures. Only God knows if a girl will need a degree to fall back on or if her husband will outlive her. So only God can guide and direct a girl in what she needs to prepare for her future. So I have taught her to seek God in preparing for the future He has for her and follow His plans.
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Wisdom for Life by Billie Jones
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[Billies daughter, Kasey, was also in Marys journalism club!]
The subject is how we can prepare our daughters for a traditional non-feminist life-style. I would have said many years ago that I had no clue. I was raised in the 1970's in a home where my father was abusive and my mother wanted to escape males and all male power. I now know that although I was never openly taught feminist views, that my life was infiltrated with them.
I went to public school in the era of civil rights and feminism. I was blessed with intelligence and therefore spent most of my life being instructed by well-meaning persons with statements such as,
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"You are so smart, you can do anything that YOU want to do." -
"Don't let the boys tell you that you can't do that honey! You just go out there and prove them wrong." -
"Don't let men walk all over you-you're not a doormat!" -
"Don't let a man hold you back." -
and the worst one,"YOU ARE SO SMART, YOU CAN FIGURE ANYTHING OUT AND NOTHING CAN STOP YOU!"
- Never allow your children to think that you know everything. Always allow them to know that you are learning with them and that daily you turn to God for direction.
- Never teach your children to do things just because you say so, let them know from the beginning that there is a higher standard--God's standard. His word is timeless and is applicable today! Show them the revelations that God shows you.
- Teach them early that God has their best interest at heart. When life's disappointments come, they will know that God is still there to love, protect and guide them.
- Always make sure some of their best times are family times.
- Teach your children that sacrifice and compromise are part of being a family and part of being in a happy marriage. Explain to them that God intended for us to love each other. In order to love, then you must sacrifice your selfish desires--the root of secular humanism and feminism. Sacrificing selfish desires is the path to godly submission. (I HATE HOUSEWORK-BUT I LOVE MY FAMILY-SO I WASH THEIR DIRTY LAUNDRY)
- Teach your children to serve others.
- Teach them not to be led by emotion! To stand firm on the truths of scripture even when they don't feel like it.
- Teach them to see the blessings of God and acknowledge them immediately as such.
- Never stop praying over your children!!!
- Allow your children to realize young that life isn't always enjoyable or fun. Nor should it be. Help them to find fulfillment in a job well done.
With prayers,
Billie Jones
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Question Everything? by Newt Sherwin
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Dear Virginia,
Thanks so much for addressing this topic! It is a hard one, and I appreciate the time, thought, and prayer that I'm sure you're putting into it. I think you and I are much on the same page where these issues are concerned, and it is nice to know I'm not the only one! I've seen a lot of women around me feel that they "have" to work for at least the first several years of marriage to "justify" the college degree they got -- which they're usually still paying for -- and assuming that of course their daughters should go to college, too, and it strikes me as such a waste!
One of the things that I've been thinking about recently is the thought of redirecting the normal teenage rebellion. I went to public school when I was growing up, and it was considered normal to question curfews, bedtimes, chores, or any of the basic rules of life in a family -- but as I look back, I realize that the fundamental questions were never addressed! Never once did my parents talk to me about religious beliefs (I went through 8 years of agnosticism, and didn't tell them I was an agnostic until a year or two before becoming a Christian). I made the decision to pursue a career without any idea of the needs of a young child for stability and attachment -- and while my SAH mother made some "I think you'll feel differently when the time comes" noises, I wasn't given the necessary information to really decide that. And -- here's a big one -- the message on sex, from both the public school sex ed classes and my parents, was, "Abstinence is the only 100%, but if you're going to do it, make sure you use a condom." My mother and I had screaming fights about all the things that didn't really matter, and never talked about the things that did.
Right now, my oldest child is 3 1/2 years old, so I can't claim to anything approaching experience as the parent of a teenager. However, I hope to be able to impress upon my teenagers that I want the opposite approach. I want to discuss the really important things with them regularly -- in a framework that includes basic rules like curfews, cleanliness demands, and rules against premarital sex. I want my daughters -- and sons -- to know enough about early childhood development and what daycare does to disrupt it that they can plan their lives realistically. I want to look into the Scriptures with them and help them see how they should live and why. I want them to question all the really important things while they still live under my husband's and my authority and protection.
Whether I'll get what I want or not, only God knows right now. But that's the goal for me, for the teenage years: "Question everything -- everything that's important, in discussion with your parents, while living under the authority of your parents."
Newt
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Lydia Hostetler
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Oh, my! Your newsletter hit it on the nail! I so often wonder why young women want to go to college and pursue careers that do nothing for homemaking! I agree totally with you. There are some degrees which can help out while being a stay-at-home-mom. But the cost of college anymore is through the roof -- unless on scholarships. My advice would be to do at-home studies to help off-set that cost. But I do agree it is up to the individual and the parents. Also, your list of advice for young ladies can be adapted for all walks of life, not just going to college! For example, many conscientious youth who go for one year or more on volunteer service units throughout the U.S. in place of the army need guidelines along that line as well. [Virginias note: I believe that Lydia belongs to the Mennonite church, which historically is pacifist and does not participate in the military.] That is how I met my husband. I wish now I would have had more guidelines in place, but the Lord's mercy was very much there and I was prevented from many foolish mistakes, although I did make many foolish mistakes. I think I am going to copy them out and save them for my daughter or for anyone else who may cross my path.
Trusting the Shepherd of our souls.
Lydia Hostetler
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Well, thats all, folks! If youve read this far, could you pop me a note and tell me what you think? Just click here! [email protected]
Blessings,
Virginia Knowles
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