abusive parents and honor
Posted by: empalo <empalo@...>
does not offend anyone.
Pat
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We all hope to have parents who are loving, nurturing, understanding and patient. But the unfortunate reality is that some parents are irrational, abusive, manipulative and intimidating -- leaving deep emotional scars that may not heal for a lifetime.
In an abusive situation, does the obligation still apply to "honor your parents"?
To answer, let's go to the source.
The commandment to honor parents was first given to the generation of the exodus from Egypt. In the desert, God provided everyone's needs: manna rained down from heaven, a portable well provided endless water, "clouds of glory" gave shelter, and clothes never wore out. All gifts from God. The biological parents contributed almost nothing!
Furthermore, the parents of this generation even brought great pain and suffering to their children. They made the Golden Calf and later voted with the "spies" not to enter the Promised Land, effectively sentencing everyone to wander in the desert for 40 years!
Nevertheless, it was precisely this generation which stood at Mount Sinai and heard the Ten Commandments: "Honor your father and mother..."
This teaches an amazing thing: While changing your diapers, paying for your college education, and treating you with care and respect is one reason to feel gratitude toward parents, in the absence of all that, one essential factor still remains -- your parents, if nothing else, gave you life.
Imagine you were drowning and a stranger came along and saved your life. You would be forever grateful. All the more so we are indebted to our parents who gave us life in the first place.
Abusive parents damage God's precious jewels and will pay a heavy price for their deeds or negligence.
Of course, this does not absolve a parent from abusive behavior. It goes without saying that Judaism forbids any type of child abuse. Children are precious gems that God deposits with parents for polishing and finishing. Abusive parents damage these precious jewels and will pay a heavy price for their deeds or negligence.
Practically speaking, what does it mean to honor a parent?
a.. Don't interrupt when they're talking.
b.. Don't wake them when they're resting.
c.. Offer to help in their care and comfort.
But if a parent is abusive what should a child do?
The best solution is to keep a safe distance, avoiding contact whenever possible. If the parent is not around, the pain of confrontation will be greatly reduced.
And when the situation does arise, it helps the child to emotionally distinguish between the parent as a "life-giver" and the parent as an "abuser." Honoring parents does not require honoring the sickness in them.
On a deeper level, the honor of parents is a model for the honor of God.
On a deeper level, the honor of parents is a model for the honor of God.
The Ten Commandments were written on two tablets. The first tablet contains commandments between man and God -- for example, don't serve idols and don't take God's name in vain. The second tablet contains commandments between human beings -- for example, don't murder and don't steal.
Surprisingly, the mitzvah to honor parents is on the first tablet. This is because honoring parents trains us in the honor of God. If we have gratitude to our parents for the gift of life, how much more so are we grateful to God for creating and sustaining the entire world -- air to breathe, flowers to smell, and soil to walk on. And for giving us awareness, intelligence, and a spiritual soul.
The Midrash records that it was only upon the death of his father that Abraham received the Divine command to emigrate to Israel. This was so that people should not say: "What kind of a son is this that leaves his old father all alone?" And yet, according to tradition, Abraham's father was not only an idol worshipper, but also an idol manufacturer!
Abraham's father was essentially evil. Yet Abraham's honor of his father took precedence, so to speak, over serving God more directly.
If a child grows up with an unfair parent, then the child may subconsciously draw that same conclusion about God.
It is precisely because service of God and honor of parents are inextricably linked, that parents have a tremendous responsibility. If a child grows up thinking that a parent is unfair and can't be trusted, then the child may subconsciously draw that same conclusion when encountering difficult situations from God.
And this is a great tragedy. Because God is fair, kind, loving, and just.
God sends us life's challenges, not because He is trying to trip us up or to make life difficult, but because He wants us to succeed and knows that we can. Challenges -- whether in the form of abusive parents or otherwise -- are there to stretch and hone us for life ahead.
The Talmud talks about a great man whose mother ripped his clothes and spit in the face, yet he maintained his composure. Was he able to do so because he was a great man -- or did he become a great man because he did so?
Of all the challenges in life, having an abusive parent is surely among the most difficult. But it helps to know that the greater the difficulty, the greater the reward.
Rabbi Shraga Simmons spent his childhood trekking through snow in Buffalo, New York. He has worked in the fields of journalism and public relations, and is now the Editor of Aish.com in Jerusalem.