Abusive Relationships and Living For God
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COLUMN: Hands-on Faith
Abusive Relationships and Living For God
by Barry Newton
How should a Christian wife respond to an abusive
husband? Does "turning the other cheek" mean that
a disciple should quietly accept abusive
situations? For those who seek to do God's will,
questions like these deserve a reliable compass
from scripture.
The Right Starting Point - God's Compass
As with other questions about living, the greatest
and second greatest commandments chart a reliable
path to God's answer. Regardless of the situation,
the most important directive for any human being
is to love God which includes obeying how God
wants us to treat others. The second most
important obligation for God's people is they
should love others in the same way they love
themselves. Matthew 22:37-38
Love - Understanding Where the Needle Points
The New Testament's exhortation to love our
spouses, neighbors, ourselves, and even our
enemies entails actively seeking someone's well-
being. While it will not always be easy to seek
someone's well-being, the decision to act with
such a love can even operate in the most hostile
of environments where other forms of love, such as
friendship or passion, will have evaporated.
The Two Basic Responses - True North or Something
Else
A victim of abuse has two choices: either respond
with love or with something that is not love. An
unloving response can lead in many different
directions.
One response common to humanity is to seek
revenge. The bitter resolve, whether yelled or
quietly sworn, "I'll get you back for this" is
never an option for those seeking to do God's
will. Dishing out personal retribution violates
obeying how God wants us to respond to others
since God declared, "Vengeance is mine, I will
repay." Romans 12:19 Similarly, Jesus banished any
form of personal retaliation when he taught to
"turn the other cheek." Matthew 5:39.
Turning the other cheek obviously rules out
revenge. But is this also an insistence that we
passively accept all of the abuse others might
enjoy dishing out? No. In response to the
principle of seeking just retribution (Matthew
5:38), Jesus' teaching replaced enforcing one's
own justice and revenge with a loving response. To
respond with love eliminates striking back. As
Jesus demonstrated through several examples, a
loving response does something good for the
perpetrator! Matthew 5:39-42 The principle of love
involves "do not be overcome by evil, but overcome
evil with good." Romans 12:21, 17
Jesus did not teach passivity toward evil. Being
passive is incompatible with the goal of love
since there is a final day of judgment coming. In
view of God's judgment upon all evil, to passively
accept abuse fails to seek an abuser's well-being.
Putting Love Into Practice - Knowing How To Walk
North
In some situations, knowing how to love in an
effective manner requires wisdom. Paul prayed that
the love of the Philippians would be guided by
knowledge and depth of insight. Philippians 1:9
What tools might God use in a victim's hands to
seek the well-being of an abuser? Will the abusive
individual be open to spiritual counseling? Will
acts of kindness be understood as showing a better
way or will they mistakenly be interpreted in a
manner to reinforce sinful behavior? Will the
person fail to be transformed short of physical
separation or civil action? Knowing how to help an
abusive person can be challenging. What is clear
is that God's people are to love even their
enemies and love is not passive.
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