Doc's Daily Chuckle 12/19/14
Posted by: pkaine <pkaine@...>
DOC'S DAILY CHUCKLE
Always Clean Chuckles
Laughter is the Best Medicine!
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Although Santa is NOT the center of Christmas, I hope you enjoy
these. In our house the tradition is Christmas is Jesus' birthday
(complete with cake and song). Jesus loves you so much, He shares
His birthday with you. Santa is the delivery person.
Doc
Today's Chuckles
1. Santa Letter
2. Why Santa is a Man!
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Santa Letter
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two
children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor,
sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree
on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto
my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,
since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of
a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find
any more free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in
any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap
in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of
the candy aisle in the grocery store.
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month
of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like a car with fingerprint
resistant windows and a radio that only plays big-people music; a television
that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a
refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide
to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes,
Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler,
two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way
up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan
monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your
brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing
range and can only be heard by the dog.
And please don't forget the Play-doh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer
this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors
and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the in-laws' house seem just
like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to
brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating
food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam
container.
If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the
holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable?
It would clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could
coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if
they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't
look so cute sneaking downstairs in his pajamas to eat contraband ice cream
at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under
the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and
remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the
fire so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't
eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Your's Always,
Mom
P.S. One more thing: You can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children
young...
- from Mikey's Funnies
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A free people ought not only to be armed and disciplined but they
should have sufficient arms and ammunition to maintain a status of
independence from any who might attempt to abuse them,
which would include their own government. - George Washington.
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Why Santa is a Man!
By Bill Helker
1. Santa lives at the North Pole.
Anyone who has ever dated/married/been in the same room with a woman knows
that unless the air temperature is high enough to cook a small turkey, she
will complain about it being too cold. So, there is NO way she would choose
the North Pole as her base of operations. The Bahamas would be more to her
taste.
2. Santa is fat and jolly.
I dare ANYONE to describe ANY woman as "fat and jolly" to her face and expect
to survive! If Santa was a woman, and you refereed to her as this, you wouldn't
find coal in your stocking, you'd find a pipe-bomb!
3. Santa at the mall.
Now, I know that others have used the "Mall" example as proof that Santa is a
woman. However, you see both men and women at the mall. And let me ask you
this...What does Santa DO at the mall??? HE SITS DOWN!!! Do you ever see women
sitting down at the mall??? Noooo! Women are running around trying to find a
dust ruffle that matches the throw pillows on her sister's day-bed! Men
sit...Santa sits. 'nuff said.
4. Santa walks around on rooftops.
I don't know about you, but my wife REFUSES to get on the roof! If there is
anything to be done up there, she sends me. In fact, I don't think I have EVER
seen a woman up on a roof. The fact that Santa is perfectly comfortable walking
around on a slippery, angled housetop is further proof that he is a "He!"
5. Santa likes Milk and Cookies.
If Santa were a woman, we'd have to leave Godiva Chocolate and International
Foods Flavored Coffee. Or maybe herbal tea. Of course, if she was still
sensitive about the whole "Fat and Jolly" thing, she would demand nothing more
than a carrot stick and a glass of water.
6. Santa uses the Chimney.
No woman would ever THINK about crawling into a dirty, smelly chimney. A woman
would carry a spare set of keys for every house. Of course, this would never
work because she wouldn't be able to find them in her purse.
7. Santa has reindeer.
Reindeer are totally for guys; they are big, hairy, smelly, and have huge
antlers. A woman would never use them. She would prefer to be driven around in a
stretch limo. Or, if she really wanted to use the traditional sleigh, they would
have to be pulled by horses. I mean, what is it with women and horses??
And that's why Santa is a man!
Copyright 2002 Bill Helker. Permission is granted to send this to others, but
not for commercial purposes.
- from Mikey's Funnies
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Please pray for: Charles, Jim, Conrad, Maureen, Theresa, Patrick, Gerry, Ray.
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