Doc's Daily Chuckle 7/1/15
Posted by: pkaine <pkaine@...>
DOC'S DAILY CHUCKLE
Always Clean Chuckles
Laughter is the Best Medicine!
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It hard to believe it's already July. It came in with
sun! This is after the 3rd wettest June on record.
Doc
Today's Chuckles
1. Humidity Sensor
2. Elder Banking
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Humidity Sensor
The instructions and fine print in the manual for
my new electronic humidity sensor intimidated me,
so I delayed setting it up.
Once I finally began, my fear was eliminated when
I read the fifth hint in the four-page instruction
manual, which stated: "Under no circumstances should
you let it get to you! It's only a computerlike
device and you cannot screw it up unless you throw
it out the window, in which case it will not be under
warranty!"
- from Da Mouse Tracks
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If you want to see the true measure of a man, watch how
he treats his inferiors, not his equals. - J. K. Rowling
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Elder Banking
Elderly Banking... ..............PRICELESS!! Shown below,
is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 82-year-old
woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations,
three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting
the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed
to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in
place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident
has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed
that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become.
>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and
-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee
at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require
your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there
is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must
be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details
of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee
with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again,
I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of
me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated to you
at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
7 again
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will
then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy
an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrange-
ment.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New
Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being
old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
- from Anna Ruth
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Please pray for: Terri, Keith, Betty, Bill, Randie, Ronald, Mike, Jim.
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