Doc's Daily Chuckle 8/20/21
Posted by: pakaine49 <pakaine49@...>
DOC'S DAILY CHUCKLE
Always Clean Chuckles
Laughter is the Best Medicine!
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Spent the last several days out-of-state visiting family.
It was wonderful being with my Dad and a couple of siblings.
Doc
Today's Chuckles
1. The Children's Bible in a Nutshel
2. Heavenly Music
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The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
Book report on the entire Bible (this is hysterical - ENJOY! !) I am glad that I did not need to grade this paper. The young man has real talent though. A
little shaky on dates but good chronology. A sixth grade child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what he wrote;
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden ... not sure what they were driven in though,
because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one
of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than
his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the
evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These
Plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them
His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke,
dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to
use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on
the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and
500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very
wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of
these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed
up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess
we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of
The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been
born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the
door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a matter of fact,
I was.'')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees
and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one
was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable
after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to
some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put
Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He
just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up
to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold
in the book of Revolution.
• From Marilyn L. V.D.
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Kindness, I've discovered, is everything in life. - Isaac Bashevis Singer
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Heavenly Music
by Sherry E. Heard
I attend a small village church in rural Pennsylvania. On any given Sunday, we may have six or seven faithful little ones who come with their parents for the entire church service.
Pastor has a white bag which gets passed from child to child, making sure they get equal turns to put something in for him to talk about. Each Sunday, Pastor calls all the little children up to him and he opens the bag to find a "surprise" on which he bases his children's sermon.
Last week, the bag went home with a little guy who spends many hours a week on church related activities. His parents and older brother are very active and so, in turn, is he. When Pastor opened the bag, there was a copy of Handel's Messiah which was very appropriate for Easter Sunday. (His parents and brother sing in the choir.)
Pastor and the children had a lively discussion going on about the joy and happiness that music brings to the service. As he closed the little talk, Pastor said, " Yes, music is a wonderful part of our service. What would church be like if there was none?"
Without skipping a beat, the little boy who had brought the music called out, "About a half an hour!"
Nobody could argue that.
Sherry E. Heard, (C) 2005
Used With Permission
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Please pray for: Pat, Lola, Elizabeth, Garrett, Nancy, Lola, Janet.
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Have a TERRIFIC day!
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