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Father's Day: Father-son relationship difficulties
#1 · June 20, 2016, 5:34 am
Posted by: rik.osborne66 <rik.osborne66@...>
I need some advice.
I have no relationship with my dad. When you read the following words, keep in mind that I am now 50 years old, and my dad is coming up on 72.
When I was a kid, I thought my dad was great. He had so many funny stories about his life. His experiences in high school, his story about the time he wrestled a bear (actually happened - it wasn't staged, it was a hunting accident), his stories about his job as a cop ... Though, funny thing. I was bullied as a kid, and my dad's response was to try to teach me how to fight. And I ... just couldn't. Even at that young age, I didn't see the logic of violence as a response to violence. And I can proudly say that I'm 50 years old and I've never been in a fight.
My dad is a gun enthusiast, and a hunter, and he tried to raise me to be the same. In my youth, I enjoyed shooting guns with him, and it turned out that I was a pretty darned good shot with a rifle. When I was 12 years old, using my dad's .270 hunting rifle, I placed three shots in a 3/4-inch group at 300 yards. So I enjoyed target shooting, and I was good at it. Hunting? Deer hunting, bird hunting ... my dad introduced me to that, and ... I tried. But I wasn't interested. I have no moral or political argument against hunting (and fishing). I support it. I just don't do it, because it's not for me. I don't feel right killing an animal that I'm not going to eat. And on that point, my dad is not a "sport" hunter. If he kills an animal, he's gonna eat it. He doesn't like "trophy" hunters.
One of the stories my dad told me that made a big impact on me as a youth was a story about one of his fellow recruits in the United States Marine Corps. His fellow recruit in basic training was the son of a WW2 Marine. My dad's story was about the day the new recruits, after basic training, had to qualify on the rifle range. And that recruit failed to qualify,
And he committed suicide, because he couldn't face his father's expectations.
My dad, 19 years old, not yet a father, vowed to himself that he would never put that kind of pressure on his own son.
Fast forward to when he was actually the father of a son (me).
He kept his promise. He taught me how to shoot, and tried to teach me how to hunt. When it turned out that I wasn't all that interested, he let me be.
When I was young, I thought that was awesome. He saw that I wasn't going to follow in his footsteps, and he didn't push.
I spent my youth exploring music instead.
It wasn't until I was an adult in my late 30s that I realized the problem. I had thought it was great that Dad didn't push me to be like him. But I eventually realized that, once I had shown that I wasn't gonna be like him, he went away.
Not literally. He was there. But he essentially handed me off to my mom. And my mom, when I was a teenager, was not yet 40 years old, and she was a hardcore but ignorant Christian who believed everything "the Church" said. So I spent my teen years hearing that all of the music I liked was "Satanic". And Dad admitted to me one night (by this time I was in my 20s), after his own mother had died, and he was drinking (my dad wasn't a drinker), that he had made a mistake by not telling my mom to leave me alone about my music. He had been following the church thing about parents presenting a "unified front" to their children, and my dad, being a newer Christian than my mom, followed her lead.
Fast forward a few years, and my dad left my mom. He'd been cheating on my mom with a younger woman. When he finally got caught, he filed for divorce. That utterly destroyed my mom at the time. I wasn't "cool" with it either ... my dad's new wife (I've never referred to her as "stepmother") is only 9 years older than me.
But put aside all of the moral questions ...
The fact is that I just do not enjoy my dad's company. I first discovered the Internet when I was 30. Thanks entirely to my stepfather, the man my mom eventually married after the divorce. When I first got on the Internet, I had my prejudices. All of them have melted away after 20 years of communicating with people from every walk of life, from all over the world.
The Internet has changed my outlook to the point where I voted in favor of legalizing marijuana here in Washington, and, on the same ballot voting in favor of gay marriage. Despite the fact that I am not gay, and I do not use weed. And I do not feel that my votes contradicted my Christian faith.
All of this has led up to the fact that I can't stand to be around my dad. Every time I'm with him, he finds some way to insert racist commentary into the conversation. He'll start talking about how he doesn't like rap music, because it's "black" (never mind that, at his age, I wouldn't expect him to like rap) ... he just has to specifically refer to race. And then he goes on and on about Mexicans ...
... and I just can't stand listening to it. I'm reminded of the time I attended my best friend's 50th birthday party, and his dad told a racist joke that demeaned both African-Americans and Mexicans, and my friend's youngest brother said, sarcastically, "God, I can't wait until I'm 83 and can say whatever the hell I want!"
I guess I'm just a product of this age ... I do not want to have to sit in a room and listen to racism and homophobia. Which means I don't want to spend time with my dad.
But I love my dad.
Help.
--
Rik Osborne
--
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