Fw: In-flight entertainment
Posted by: rcleary1 <rcleary1@...>
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen,
we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down
the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."
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On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all
your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please
make sure it's something we'd like to have."
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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
only 4 ways out off this airplane."
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"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
you for a ride."
*****************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa,
big fella. WHOA!"
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
hell everything has shifted."
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From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."
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In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,
and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite.
***********************
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money,
more than Southwest Airlines."
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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore
and take them with our compliments."
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"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop
from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own
mouth and nose before assisting children...or other adults
acting like children."
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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children
or spouses."
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta
airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight
attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are
on this flight!"
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing
in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the
intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what
y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the
final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to
stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that,
in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a
little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no
ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady
said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
**************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have
brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells
are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the
next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through
the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think
US Airways."
****************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made
an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number
293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came
back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am
so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking,
the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled
the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He
should see the back of mine!"