Fwd: Restructuring of the North Pole crew.
Posted by: thehold <thehold@...>
> Press Release: Reengineering Christmas and the North Pole crew.
>
> The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the
> early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern
> about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring
> decisions at the North Pole.
>
> Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the
> season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail
> order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit
> idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
>
> The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late
> model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity
> from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is
> anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne
> environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received
> unfavorable press.
>
> I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
>
> Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management
> denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that
> Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance
> abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did
> pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of
> Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is
> known to be under executive stress.
>
> As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North
> Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective
> immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the
> "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
>
> -- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out
> to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic
> hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
>
> -- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
> cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours
> could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
>
> -- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone
> loves the French.
>
> -- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
> system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
> determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long
> they talked.
>
> -- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
> Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could
> have negative implications for institutional investors.
> Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of
> T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
>
> -- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
> afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg
> per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.
> Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure
> by Personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it
> gets will be a good one.
>
> -- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
> times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are
> on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new
> strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
>
> -- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
> heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce
> is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end
> job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit
> the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
>
> -- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
> will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no
> longer do the steps.
>
> -- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
> expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
> Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
> congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the
> savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of
> unemployed congressmen this year.
>
> -- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case
> of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet,
> a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which
> will drop right down to the bottom line.
>
> We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals
> and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
> stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop
> ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
>
> Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
> expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a suing"),
> action is pending.
>
> Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary
> in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will
> request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division
> to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Jeff and Belinda Smith - WilderLands Hold <*))))))<
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