Fwd: Why I struggle with Valentine’s Day

#1 · March 9, 2013, 6:44 pm

Quote from Forum Archives on March 9, 2013, 6:44 pm
Posted by: rxdca <rxdca@...>

-------- Original Message --------

Subject: Why I struggle with Valentine’s Day

Date: Mon, 13 Feb 2012 19:07:13 +0000

From: <Vicky Beeching>

Why I struggle with Valentine’s Day

Valentines day brings with it a veritable kaleidoscope of emotions, thoughts and red fluffy pillows for sale at every shop check-out. Asking questions about how this day is celebrated, and in fact whether it’s a helpful day to mark at all, must be done graciously to avoid seeming a spoil sport. But asking these questions is important, as the day seems to have moved miles from its initial roots in St Valentine.

I ask these questions, not because I’m unmarried and miserable (far from it, I really enjoy my space and independence and would miss it if I ever do marry). My concern springs not from a sense of aloneness, but from a worry that we are allowing this day to become such a mis-representation of love that it may become more harmful than helpful to society.

Love is the heart-beat and centre of the Christian faith. So a day celebrating love should be of great interest to Christian communities. February 14th with all its trimmings has become a staple part of the liturgy of our society, so it’s something worth us discussing it and making sure we participate in it with thought. Photos like the one above are synonymous with Valentines Day – a fluffy hamster and a red heart shaped cushion – yikes! Is this just ‘cute; or are we elevating an odd perspective on one kind of love and making that the focus of February 14th?

Christian writer C. S. Lewis penned a profound book entitled The Four Loves. Lewis proposes that love actually consists of four different kind of love: storge (affection/fondness between family or acquaintances), phileo (friendship), eros (intimate/romantic) and agape (the love of God). These four loves are all beautiful expressions of who we are as humans created in the imago dei; all important and valuable.

When Lewis demonstrates the intricacies and profundity of love, it helps me understand why red fluffy cushions cause me so much annoyance every 14th of February. It seems like such a reductionist approach to love; to imply that our feelings and commitment to our significant other can be reduced to cutesy and cliched, trite and sugary images and trinkets.

Valentines Day also can seem to imply that the meaning of life revolves around finding romance. Many of my single friends dread it, beginning to build up a sick feeling in their stomach when the month of January ends. The truth is that many people in so called romantic relationship are miserable. The trite images of what romance would deliver have left them cold and disappointed. For this, I partly blame Hollywood, Hallmark and Clintons when the messages they send us are that meeting someone special will render us suddenly delirious and complete.

Far from being a cynic then, I am arguing for a higher, better and fuller picture of love. All of it’s complexities and beauty. Not just the elevation of feelings, or of sex, or of a cinderella dream. Love must contain all four of Lewis’ loves – not just eros only. After all, true eros is really demonstrated in sticking with someone through the thick and thin; shared responsibility, late nights washing dishes, early mornings doing school runs or food shopping, working late to save money to pay the bills together, caring for your partner when they are sick, forgoing your wants in favour of what they need.

The puppies, cushions and sickly sweetness of Feb 14th perpetuate something a million miles away from the gritty reality of the true commitment needed for a lifelong relationship – and buying into that kind of romance can make people slow to embrace the harder realities of love when they do come along, as the fairytale bubble bursts and the idealised dreams shatter. And the divorce rate rises and rises.

St Valentine (although we don’t know much about him) was a Christian marytr. The first portrait of him is found in the Nuremburg Chronicle of 1493. It describes him helping Christians during the persecution under Claudius II. Valentine would perform marriages for Christians, which was totally forbidden. He generally worked to protect and help followers of Christ. He was arrested for this and killed with clubs and stones, then beheaded.

So we are celebrating a day that remembers a brave follower of Jesus, who stood up for love and truth and gave his life for the gospel. It seems that this saint represents far more than just red heart shaped cushions, puppies, and an idolisation of romantic love?!

What about the love he had for God – so strong that it led him to give his life? What about his love for the Church, shown by his utter commitment to the Christians he helped, protected and acted as Priest to? All these kinds of love are represented in his life and death, so why do we only cling to one – eros – rather than all the others? And an odd version of eros at that!

Valentine comes from the term ‘valens’ meaning ‘worthy, strong, powerful’. So that should steer us away from equating Feb 14th with a namby pamby, fluffy kind of love. Yes falling in love can feel like floating on a fluffy cloud. But we should also make sure our portrayal of it on Fe 14th also communicates the “valens” strong, gritty, committed form of eros too.

I wish Feb 14th could be a celebration of all four of the loves – a reminder that we are all equally valued, regardless of whether we have a ring on our finger and a ‘special someone’ on our arm, or not. A reminder that all 4 loves are amazing, exhilarating and worthy of being spotlighted. Lets make this Valentines Day one where we remember to celebrate all four expressions of love. And one where we make sure we don’t idolise or distort the value or eros, or make the single people in society feel left out.

Yes, of course, celebrate your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, partner! Even buy them a card with a fluffy hamster and a heart shaped cushion on it if you really must! But also reach out to those around you and celebrate friends, church community, family, and above all our love for God. Let’s make it a true day of love for all, not just for a select few. And a day that honours ALL kinds of love, not just a selective portrayal of just one type.

[Have your say in the comments section here]

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Posted by: rxdca <rxdca@...>

-------- Original Message --------

Subject:	Why I struggle with Valentine’s Day
Date:	Mon, 13 Feb 2012 19:07:13 +0000
From:	<Vicky Beeching>

Why I struggle with Valentine’s Day

Valentines day brings with it a veritable kaleidoscope of emotions, thoughts and red fluffy pillows for sale at every shop check-out. Asking questions about how this day is celebrated, and in fact whether it’s a helpful day to mark at all, must be done graciously to avoid seeming a spoil sport. But asking these questions is important, as the day seems to have moved miles from its initial roots in St Valentine.

I ask these questions, not because I’m unmarried and miserable (far from it, I really enjoy my space and independence and would miss it if I ever do marry). My concern springs not from a sense of aloneness, but from a worry that we are allowing this day to become such a mis-representation of love that it may become more harmful than helpful to society.

Love is the heart-beat and centre of the Christian faith. So a day celebrating love should be of great interest to Christian communities. February 14th with all its trimmings has become a staple part of the liturgy of our society, so it’s something worth us discussing it and making sure we participate in it with thought. Photos like the one above are synonymous with Valentines Day – a fluffy hamster and a red heart shaped cushion – yikes! Is this just ‘cute; or are we elevating an odd perspective on one kind of love and making that the focus of February 14th?

Christian writer C. S. Lewis penned a profound book entitled The Four Loves. Lewis proposes that love actually consists of four different kind of love: storge (affection/fondness between family or acquaintances), phileo (friendship), eros (intimate/romantic) and agape (the love of God). These four loves are all beautiful expressions of who we are as humans created in the imago dei; all important and valuable.

When Lewis demonstrates the intricacies and profundity of love, it helps me understand why red fluffy cushions cause me so much annoyance every 14th of February. It seems like such a reductionist approach to love; to imply that our feelings and commitment to our significant other can be reduced to cutesy and cliched, trite and sugary images and trinkets.

Valentines Day also can seem to imply that the meaning of life revolves around finding romance. Many of my single friends dread it, beginning to build up a sick feeling in their stomach when the month of January ends. The truth is that many people in so called romantic relationship are miserable. The trite images of what romance would deliver have left them cold and disappointed. For this, I partly blame Hollywood, Hallmark and Clintons when the messages they send us are that meeting someone special will render us suddenly delirious and complete.

Far from being a cynic then, I am arguing for a higher, better and fuller picture of love. All of it’s complexities and beauty. Not just the elevation of feelings, or of sex, or of a cinderella dream. Love must contain all four of Lewis’ loves – not just eros only. After all, true eros is really demonstrated in sticking with someone through the thick and thin; shared responsibility, late nights washing dishes, early mornings doing school runs or food shopping, working late to save money to pay the bills together, caring for your partner when they are sick, forgoing your wants in favour of what they need.

The puppies, cushions and sickly sweetness of Feb 14th perpetuate something a million miles away from the gritty reality of the true commitment needed for a lifelong relationship – and buying into that kind of romance can make people slow to embrace the harder realities of love when they do come along, as the fairytale bubble bursts and the idealised dreams shatter. And the divorce rate rises and rises.

St Valentine (although we don’t know much about him) was a Christian marytr. The first portrait of him is found in the Nuremburg Chronicle of 1493. It describes him helping Christians during the persecution under Claudius II. Valentine would perform marriages for Christians, which was totally forbidden. He generally worked to protect and help followers of Christ. He was arrested for this and killed with clubs and stones, then beheaded.

So we are celebrating a day that remembers a brave follower of Jesus, who stood up for love and truth and gave his life for the gospel. It seems that this saint represents far more than just red heart shaped cushions, puppies, and an idolisation of romantic love?!

What about the love he had for God – so strong that it led him to give his life? What about his love for the Church, shown by his utter commitment to the Christians he helped, protected and acted as Priest to? All these kinds of love are represented in his life and death, so why do we only cling to one – eros – rather than all the others? And an odd version of eros at that!

Valentine comes from the term ‘valens’ meaning ‘worthy, strong, powerful’. So that should steer us away from equating Feb 14th with a namby pamby, fluffy kind of love. Yes falling in love can feel like floating on a fluffy cloud. But we should also make sure our portrayal of it on Fe 14th also communicates the “valens” strong, gritty, committed form of eros too.

I wish Feb 14th could be a celebration of all four of the loves – a reminder that we are all equally valued, regardless of whether we have a ring on our finger and a ‘special someone’ on our arm, or not. A reminder that all 4 loves are amazing, exhilarating and worthy of being spotlighted. Lets make this Valentines Day one where we remember to celebrate all four expressions of love. And one where we make sure we don’t idolise or distort the value or eros, or make the single people in society feel left out.

Yes, of course, celebrate your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, partner! Even buy them a card with a fluffy hamster and a heart shaped cushion on it if you really must! But also reach out to those around you and celebrate friends, church community, family, and above all our love for God. Let’s make it a true day of love for all, not just for a select few. And a day that honours ALL kinds of love, not just a selective portrayal of just one type.

[Have your say in the comments section here]

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