Holy Ground
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http://www.forthright.net
Straight to the Cross
COLUMN: Fidelity
Holy Ground
by Mike Benson
Hearing is but one element of listening - it is
not the same thing as listening. Hearing implies
that sound waves have been received; listening
implies that understanding and comprehension have
taken place.
Ironically, listening is often the neglected realm
in a marriage. Observation and experience have
taught me that the overwhelming majority of
marital problems are due to the fact that one or
both partners are poor and/or ineffective
listeners. Husbands and wives hear audible sounds
(i.e., words, language, etc.), but they don't
actually hear underlying meaning, nor do they
grasp the other's feelings.
The Bible emphasizes listening (Psm. 34:15-18;
116:1-2; Matt. 11:15; 13:9; Luke 8:15). One author
calls it the "holy ground" of marriage. He
observes:
"Intimacy begins with the ears. ...The failure to
listen might be the biggest hindrance of all to
intimate communication. Real listening begins when
a husband and wife decide to devote themselves to
studying the innermost thoughts and feelings of
their mate. This is holy ground - and listening is
the doorway to all that lies beyond. There is
little more irritating that the feeling that no
one is listening. One woman said, 'My husband
always seems to take a pen out of his pocket and
play with it while I am talking to him.' Another
said, 'He never looks at me. He won't put down his
paper and make eye contact.' Still another
complained, 'He always answers me with some
humorous [remark], or tries to change the subject
if I'm upset. Or even worse, he tries to complete
my sentences, thinking he knows exactly what I am
about to say.' That kind of half-hearted listening
would be discouraging, would it not?
...Listening goes beyond hearing words. A wife
seems upset. Her husband says, 'Honey, is anything
wrong?' She hesitates, then blurts out, 'I guess
not,' he moves to the next thing: 'That's good. I
wonder if the Astros are on tonight?' Did he miss
something? You bet he did. He missed an open door
to real communication. He heard the words, but he
failed to understand. A better response would have
been, 'You really are down, aren't you? How can I
help?' She allowed her husband to see just a
little bit of her heart and he declined the
invitation to further revelation."/1
How can we walk into the holy ground of our
spouse's soul? The Bible counsels:
1. Listen for comprehension. "A fool has no
delight in understanding, but in expressing his
own heart" (Prov. 21:11 TLB).
2. Listen all the way through - from first to
last."He who answers a matter before he hears it,
it is folly and shame to him" (Prov. 18:13).
3. Listen readily."Therefore, my beloved brethren,
let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak,
slow to wrath" (Jas. 1:19; Eccl. 3:7; 5:2).
1/ Ed Young, "Can We Talk?," Romancing The Home -
How To Have A Marriage That Sizzles, 117-118).
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