Hope Chest Special: Children of Character with Mardy Freeman
Posted by: homenews <homenews@...>
THE HOPE CHEST: Ideas and Inspiration for Home Education
Special Edition: Children of Character with Mardy Freeman
July 30, 2001
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WELCOME TO THE HOPE CHEST!
The Hope Chest Home School News is a free bi-monthly e-mail
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editor is Virginia Knowles, wife of Thad, and mother of eight, ages
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Hello Hope Chest friends!
This is a SPECIAL edition of the Hope Chest. So many wonderful
ladies have sent me good stuff, so I decided to send a large
section a little bit early. The regular August issue will come out
soon.
Right now, Id like to draw your attention to a new author, Mardy
Freeman, and her first book, Children of Character. Ive been
reading and enjoying Mardys articles on character building in the
Florida Parent-Educators Almanac for several years. When I
found out that she would be speaking on that topic at the
convention this past May, I put a big star by her workshop listing. I
knew I had to attend, and I was not disappointed in hearing her
speak and meeting her. Imagine my delight when I found that she
had written an excellent book, too! At her author booth, Children
of Character sold like hotcakes. Moms could barely get to the
table for all the crowd around it. I later heard that she sold out 500
copies in about two weeks and was going back for a reprint.
And now, dear readers, I have the pleasure of introducing Mardy to
you with an interview and a book excerpt. Her goes!
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AUTHOR INTERVIEW: Mardy Freeman
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VIRGINIA: Tell us a little bit about yourself!
MARDY: Bill and I have been married 22 years and have seven
children, Jon (20), James (15), Kate (14), Daniel (12), Stephen
(11), Patrick (9) and Joel (6). Yes, that is 6 boys and just 1 girl.
And yes, 5 babies born in 6 1/2 years. We have homeschooled for
15 years, though I cannot say that unless I add that I have "quit" (in
my heart) what felt like 100 times over the years (and begun again
101). Five babies in 6 1/2 years allows one to see how limited
one's inner resources and strength can be, and many times I did
not cry out to the Lord for help.
We live in an old cracker-style house in Waldo, Florida that we
bravely moved to ten years ago to try to become debt-free. Our
house has been the source of many lessons for me as I have had
to learn the very character lessons I wanted to teach to my
children. The bottom line lesson for me in my trials has now
become, "Character is who I am when I don't get what I want."
We began homeschooling in 1986, enrolled in the Advanced
Training Institute (ATI) in 1987, and joined a local Christian support
group a few years later. When I had our 7th baby, I could no longer
keep up with the required support group meetings, so I offered to
head up a subgroup of "do-nothings" within our support group --
members who pay their dues, and want access to the website and
perks, but can't do anything else. The board said yes, and that
propelled me onto our steering committee, heading up the new
(and renamed) "Low-Profile group," which fluctuates each year
between busy pastors' wives, new moms who need to catch their
breath, or folks who just need a year off. I later served as
President of our support group, and am beginning my second year
leading a mom's only character-focused monthly subgroup of
about 25 moms.
Bill became an FPEA (Florida Parent Educators Association)
Director in 1998 after our district director (and friend), Gary Regoli,
decided to run for FPEA chair, and left his director spot open.
Gary told him it would not be much work - Gary, are you on this
list? HA! 🙂 I submitted a few articles to the Almanac that year and
was given a Legislative Update column. That led to the Avoiding
Burnout column, and then to the Character-Based homeschooling
column this past year. I also offered to help the FPEA Leaders'
Forum chair that same year, and have had the privilege of
speaking to the leaders for the past 3 years - something that is the
highlight of my year. Those talks led to invitations to speak to
groups around the state last year, and those talks, in addition to
our monthly mom's meetings, birthed my first book, Children of
Character.
VIRGINIA: What is it that led you to the conviction that you should
concentrate on character over academics?
MARDY: It was the stark reality that our oldest son was growing a
big head (he knew a lot and could do a lot) but he had a small
heart (he focused primarily on himself, with little or no concern for
the needs of those around him). He was also resisting us,
becoming willful and stubborn by age 6. I felt very discouraged,
because I didn't know how to turn him around. Besides, I was also
often resistant, willful, and stubborn toward Bill. Since I was not
raised in a nurturing home, I felt very much at a loss, in need of
both example and instruction. It was then that good friends
suggested we attend a "Basic Seminar." Bill thought very highly of
those friends (and the character he saw in their lives) so he signed
us up. The Basic has probably been the single most effective (and
sometimes painful) tool that the Lord has used to point us
continually to Him to learn both how to both live and to teach
character. I have never given a character-based talk or workshop
without highly encouraging families to attend a Basic
(http://www.iblp.org).
VIRGINIA: How have you gone about concentrating on character
over academics?
MARDY: We immediately enrolled in the ATI program (the
homeschooling program presented in the Basic), but the hard
lesson I have learned over the past 13 years is that character is
more caught than taught, and no matter how many character
seminars we attended or character books we bought - it has only
been the life lessons from the heart (as when our children watched
me thank the Lord and rest in His perfect timing when the van
remained broken and we had to live with one small car for 7
months straight) that made the lessons come to life. Yes, good
materials make it easier to teach character - they are like a deluxe
rod and reel in the hands of a fisherman: if he is a good angler, the
equipment will make his job a little easier. But, if one does not
know about fishing, good equipment will not make him a great
angler. I have been a very poor fisherman for many years, with
very good tools sitting on my shelf!
VIRGINIA: What do you believe is the single greatest hindrance to
a focus on character?
MARDY: For me, and for many moms I've talked to, the answer
would be comparison. If we moms compare ourselves to each
other (or our children or families or husbands to each other's
children or families or husbands), we "become unwise." That can
bring on competitiveness, or discouragement, or fear that we
aren't doing as much as we should, or that our families are not
doing as much as they could. When we see that our friends
children win the spelling bee or the scholarship, or earn their AA
while still in high school, we might feel pressure to speed up in
academics. Or our children might feel pressure to compete or
perform. While there is nothing wrong with spelling bees,
scholarships or AAs in themselves, if we allow our children to slide
in areas of character in order to produce a higher academic
standing, we have placed performance over character. We can
get the feeling that our children will miss out, or that we may not
know what we are doing after all. When we know that our childs
need to discover heroes of courage and faith is greater than his
need to excel in another skill, it takes a strong commitment to
character to keep us on the right path. We want their hearts
to grow at a faster rate than their heads.
VIRGINIA: What is the greatest help to a focus on character?
MARDY: Crying out to the Lord, sincerely asking for wisdom, grace
and mercy. We heard a Christian leader share that he lays on his
face every morning, crying out to God with his voice for grace and
wisdom for each day. When I heard this I thought, "I have cried
out to God many times when in trouble, and He has delivered me
(even though many times it was my own sin that I needed
deliverance from, and not the troubles about which I was crying out
to him). What if I cried out to Him each morning for grace and
direction for each day?" What a difference that has made in
keeping my focus on developing character in my own life - which in
turn provides a rich library of testimonies and insights that my
children "check out" at will. Though I have not done this every
morning, each time I return to crying out to Him each day, I find
that my heart begins to slowly soften (in areas I did not even
realize were becoming hard) and character (which is really
becoming conformed to the image of Christ) then becomes central
again.
VIRGINIA: Tell us about your books.
MARDY: Children of Character is a practical character handbook
that shows how to determine if our children's lagging academic
performance is really a character problem, how to recognize ties
between us and our children that keep us from teaching character,
how to praise genuine character (my favorite), how to get to the
root of the problem, how to teach our children to live for a higher
purpose than themselves, how to recognize legalism, practical tips
on avoiding discouragement, and much more. Postage paid cost:
$12. (If you write Hope Chest in the memo line of your check, you
can order it for $11.)
A "Mary" Heart Doeth Good is a humorous collection of essays
and stories that emphasize the wisdom (and humor) in trading in
the Proverbs 31 role model for the Mary in Luke 10 who chose
preparation of heart over preparations for dinner. Jesus told
Martha, "Mary has chosen the better part, and it will not be taken
from her." Sometimes the "better part" can make everything else
look pretty funny. "Noun Loss" is typical of the rest of the stories in
the book. This first edition of A "Mary" Heart ends with a short
story analogy on brokenness, which will eventually become its own
book. [Virginias Note: Mardy had hoped to have this second book
ready to ship by the time this issue came out, but a computer
crash has postponed the publication date. Stay tuned, and Ill
keep you posted on it!]
VIRGINIA: Do you have any web sites or other resources that you
would like to recommend?
MARDY: I have seen you recommend Character Journal (a free
resource-filled monthly e-zine with one Biblical character quality
each month ([email protected]). It is wonderful. Also,
the Institute in Basic Life Principles (http://www.iblp.org) has some
very helpful character-based resources, including 49 Scriptural
character definitions.
VIRGINIA: Is there anything else you would like to share as an
encouragement to home school parents?
MARDY: Our trials are our own special God-allowed "curricula"
from which we can draw many lessons and insights in character to
pass on to our children, not from a book or a special lesson-plan,
but from life to life. Our nature tends to resist trials because we
want to be competent and sophisticated and independent but
God wants us to be child-like (in faith) and needy (of Him) and
dependent (on His power). Never, never, never give up.
Contact Mardy at:
Freeman Family Publishers
PO Box 593
Waldo, FL 32694
[email protected]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EXCERPTS FROM CHILDREN OF CHARACTER
by Mardy Freeman
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If getting to the root of a problem is like pulling weeds from a
garden, then praising character is like watering it. Both weeding
and watering are necessary for healthy growth, but watering is
much less work! It is also much more rewarding, as our words
soak into our childrens hearts, and we see them begin to respond
with the good fruit of growing character. When we praise our
children for character, it lets them know that they are growing in
the ways that really matter in life. It serves as a buffer to correction
(pruning), and as emotional support for tough decisions. It is also
a powerful weapon that helps keep disappointments in
perspective, and discouragement at bay.
If we have not won our childrens hearts, or if there are unresolved
hurts or past issues, our praise will probably fall on deaf ears. But,
if we are in the process of winning their hearts, they will usually
begin to respond in the areas in which we praise them.
Praising them for character then is essential if we want them to
grow in character. If we praise them for good accomplishments
(which are sometimes the result of good character), then they will
tend to excel in those accomplishments (because the
accomplishments received the praise). If we praise them for
natural talents or beauty (which are gifts), then they will want to
shine in those talents or beauty (because those gifts received our
attention). We can even praise them for character deficiencies, by
making light of them, or warmly teasing about them (My, your ears
work well when I am speaking privately to your brother!).
If we tend to be performance-oriented, then to learn how to praise
character, we have to see the character behind the performance
the effort that makes the performance what it is. We have to think
in terms of what kind of person my child is becoming, not what kind
of things my child will accomplish.
If, on the other hand, we tend to be child-oriented (our childs
happiness, decisions, or will become the center of our focus), then
to learn how to praise character, we have to see that he will never
be a happy, balanced adult without strong character.
It helps to take a moment to fast-forward ten or twenty years to
gain perspective. How do we envision our child as an adult? If
what he does matters more (or even as much) to us than who he
becomes, then we will inadvertently praise him for what he does
no matter how much we try to praise him for character. If we have
swung too far in the opposite direction, however, and view the
world as somehow against him now, if we envision his adulthood
as a time when everything will somehow be resolved for him, if it is
difficult for us to expect him to change then we will fall into
praising only for his strengths, or for traits that revolve around his
personal happiness. But, if our desires for our children are that
they be men and women of strong character, then we will praise
them for the reason they do the things they do. What we praise
them in now will influence their direction as adults. The saying,
The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world, could easily be
rephrased, The life that shapes the character of the child affects
everyone in his adult world.
We give messages of praise in hundreds of ways over hundreds of
days of what is truly important to us. If we display that A paper
because it is an A, or call grandparents excitedly about the
trophy, ribbon or award, or center our celebrations around the win,
the performance, or the prize we are praising performance over
character. But if a child sees that we display the project that was
most improved (especially if it only looks like a C compared to the
A paper that did not require the same effort to produce), if he
overhears us telling grandparents how pleased we are because
of his winning attitude (whether he won anything or not), if we
celebrate milestones in character (such as end-of-the-year
character recognition), then we are praising character over
performance.
That does not mean that we do not recognize the results of our
childrens efforts! It means that we will inadvertently praise those
things on which we place the most value. Character is found in the
effort-to-ability ratio, and it is that character that effort behind
the
performance that we want to let them know is most important.
We can do that through praise and affirmation.
Just as we expect small growth with a young plant, so we begin in
baby-steps with our children. Though we have seen the Lord bring
amazing instant deliverance to our children (or us) from a wrong
behavior or attitude, we must be willing to work with (and accept)
our children where they are now. We would not expect a five
year-old who was accustomed to getting his own way to suddenly
want to go to bed on time, any more than we would expect a
twelve year-old who is used to procrastinating to suddenly get all of
his assignments in on time just because we praised them. But,
we can expect them to begin to respond in small ways toward
fulfilling those future goals.
Of course, they still must comply with bedtimes and deadlines, and
face consequences if they dont. Praising character does not
mean that we no longer chasten or discipline, or that we replace
punishment with praise. Chastening, discipline and punishment are
the warnings or consequences for disobedience, so we do not
change the rules or remove the consequences. Obedience to
parents is the framework on which obedience to God is laid. But
we begin to praise them for the character that causes them to obey
the rules or to face the consequences with the right attitude.
Consistent, genuine praise tends to reduce the need for many
rules and consequences.
As soon as a child succeeds in a new course or attitude, even in a
very small way, we want to immediately praise him. Of course, if
we overdo it, or if it is not the real thing, it can thwart or kill
growth
although Bill has fainted on cue (in mock shock of character
growth) and performed other dramatic stunts for a thrilled
preschooler over the years. But, the real thing is not a
saccharine-smile or a pseudo-cheery voice. Praise is giving warm,
natural attention. It means that we connect with that child in a way
that lets him know that he has pleased us. It might mean that we
offer open enthusiastic praise to a preschooler, or give a quick hug
to a ten year-old with a quiet, Well done, or give a knowing smile
and word of praise to a teen. It just needs to be a genuine word
from us, and connect with that child in a way that he can receive it.
We want to make sure he knows how he has pleased us when he
makes a wise decision.
I will admit here that I have praised a child for doing nothing
when that nothing was the absence of the usual wrong reaction.
My hope was to prime the pump and stimulate a hunger for more
praise. I also must admit that, while doing this a little can help
move a child out of a rut of wrong behavior, doing it too much can
cause him to settle for less. On the one hand, we relate to our
children on their level, and try to show them, baby step by baby
step, how to grow. But if we camp with them for too long on a level
below their ability, we can find ourselves abandoning the standards
for fear of losing the child. Then we are both lost! Our children
need us to hang in there with them, yet draw them over, away from
living for self, to living for the Lord. That type of character growth
does not come naturally it goes against their nature and against
ours. Sometimes a little extra praise can really help. Too much,
though, for too little effort, or offered insincerely, can promote
complacency (and even contempt).
If he continues to stumble, and progress doesnt appear evident,
we can make our praise a little more tangible. For a child who is
prone to laziness, we can grade math assignments with points
given for neatness, or for double-checking problems instead of for
correct answers. As he is genuinely praised and tangibly rewarded
for neatness and accuracy, correct answers will usually begin to
come naturally, and laziness will be recognized as more costly
than neatness, since he must go back and complete the lesson
again (and again) if it is not neat.
Rewarding a child with praise alone is best, and creating tangible
rewards can be good, too. But if we choose the tangibles of
money (or candy or other pleasures) as rewards for growth in
character (or for good deeds or even for Bible memorization), it
can give them the wrong message, and set them up to have selfish
motivations for doing good. We want them to learn how to love
God with all their heart, mind, soul and strength because it is
right to do so. We want them to build the strength to choose to do
what is right because it pleases the Lord, and gives a clear
conscience. We want them to learn how to give expecting nothing
in return.
That doesnt mean that children should never earn money for a
specific job well done, or never sink their teeth into a candy bar, or
enjoy some of lifes pleasures from time to time! It does mean that
we tend to reward children today too much for too little, so that we
now have a generation of children who are unfamiliar with delayed
gratification (an often overlooked requirement for strong character
and Christian living). We want to be careful with what we use to
motivate them. To motivate by Scripture, by love, by praise and by
a oneness of fellowship is the most effective way to instill genuine
character. But sometimes, they, being immature or weak,
might need a little extra stimulus. A little tangible reward can be
good, but too much reward, or constant pleasure-centered
rewards, can cause our children to stumble.
If, with praise for even small changes, and some tangible reward,
our child is still not responding, we need to take a step backward.
Instead of working from an inward motivation to an outward
behavior, we will have to work from the outside in. In choosing, we
need to make sure that his weakness costs him more than it costs
those whom it affects. If he still hurries through assignments that
need more attention, if it still takes him all day to do what he has
the capability to complete in an hour, if he still misses deadlines
that he is able to meet, then he needs to have the freedom of
using his own playtime or free time to finish the project.
We have to begin slowly and sincerely, so that they have time to
respond in a consistent and sincere way. We might say to a child
late in the evening, Do you know what you could do tomorrow that
would really please me? If you would clean your room before we
sit down to dinner, just like your chart says. When you obey,
without being reminded, you please me so much! But, we do not
expect rapid growth just because we begin praising them. We
would not start out by saying, You would please me so much if
you pick up your room before dinner tomorrow, and remember to
feed the dog each day without being asked, and if you see
something that needs to be done, you just do it! That sounds
more like, You would please me so much if you were just
someone else!
Once we see our children respond to us, we praise them quickly
and genuinely. I was so pleased when you didnt follow your
friends in running through the museum halls this afternoon. That
was obedience! And you didnt judge the others with a proud
attitude when they did. You showed tolerance. And you held the
door open for me, and then for your friends, even though it meant
that you didnt get the best seat for the program. That was
alertness, attentiveness, decisiveness and humility. I cant tell you
how pleased I am with the kinds of decisions you are making!
We all influence others by the attention that we give to them in the
things that really matter to us.
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Well, thats all for now, folks! Ill send the regular August issue
within the next week or so. Ill tell you now that it is CHOCK FULL
of great stuff!
Virginia