HOW TO KNOW IF YOUR READY FOR KIDS
Posted by: bunchkin1 <bunchkin1@...>
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:
MESS TEST Smear peanut butter on the sofa and
curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and
leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST Obtain a 55 gallon box of Lego's (or you may
substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them
all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to
the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this
would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals
(goats are best) and take them with you as you shop.
Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat
or damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a
small net bag making sure that all the arms stay
inside.
FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill
halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a
cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls
of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of
the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and
fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in
water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag
until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for
10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song
you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and
sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m.
Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST Take an egg carton. Using a pair of
scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator.
Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an
attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a
piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong
ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact
replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST Forget the BMW and buy a station
wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the
glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it
into the cassette player. Take a family size package of
chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There,
perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women) Obtain a large bean bag chair
and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it
there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try
not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be
wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set
your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help
himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to
the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be
directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper.
Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already have a
small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their
discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and
child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can
improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow
their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It
will be the last time you will have all the answers.