Martha Stewart's "Tips for Rednecks"
Posted by: tz8cy5 <tz8cy5@...>
inside...
Martha Stewart's "Tips for Rednecks", or, "Handy Hints for the Relatives
Down Home".
PERSONAL HYGIENE
* While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done
in private using one's OWN truck keys.
* Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However,
if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
* Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
* A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
* Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his table
manners are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
* Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
* Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after
the movie has ended.
* Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven that
they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
* Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
* Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
* For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and
a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
* Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
* Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded,
and the deer is in sight.
* When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
* Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
* When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back a pop.
* Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
* Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
* Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
* It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
* If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
* Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.