Microsoft Antitrust Defense 2.0
Posted by: tz8cy5 <tz8cy5@...>
REDMOND, Wash., February 15, 1999 -- Microsoft today announced the
release of Microsoft Antitrust Defense 2.0, a major upgrade of its legal
defense against antitrust charges currently being prosecuted by the
Justice Department.
"The initial version of our antitrust defense was considered a great
success by the public at large," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, "as
evinced by numerous entirely voluntary and 100% genuine letters to the
editor, printed in major newspapers across the country. However, we're
aware that some users, including analysts, legal scholars and Federal
judges, experienced credibility problems with portions of the defense.
This new free upgrade completely addresses these issues -- and adds
fantastic new features, too!"
** New Features And Improvements **
* Microsoft executives no longer contradict earlier testimony under
cross-examination by government attorneys.
* Incriminating Microsoft e-mails obtained under subpoena are
automatically deleted, freeing up gigabytes of valuable hard disk space
on prosecuting attorneys' computer systems. (Not compatible with Norton
Utilities' "undelete" feature.)
* Videotaped demonstrations of removing Internet Explorer from Windows 98
("Feltenizing") no longer switch misleadingly from one computer to
another nor fail to demonstrate any performance degradation; in fact,
using advanced pyrotechnic technology developed by Microsoft's multimedia
research group, the "Feltenized" computer now crashes, busts into flames,
rolls over in mid-air and explodes in a manner compatible with such
popular television shows as "The Streets Of San Francisco" and "CHiPs".
The CBS TV show "60 Minutes" has announced support for this new feature
and will shortly be airing an expose on the hazards of de-Explorer'ed PCs.
* The videotaped deposition of Microsoft CEO Bill Gates resolves certain
credibility and charisma problems that a few viewers experienced with the
1.0 release. In version 2.0, Gates instead leads courtroom viewers on an
exciting and unprecedented public tour of his famous high-tech mansion!
* Performance is greatly improved, allowing the entire trial to take
place in only 15 minutes (benchmarked on a 450MHz Pentium II system)
ending in a complete acquittal of Microsoft, as well as US Government
confistication of the assets of Netscape Communications Corp., Apple
Computer, Inc., and Sun Microsystems, Inc. and of all copies of the Linux
and Java source code.
* Problematic Microsoft defense attorneys from version 1.0 are upgraded
to 3D synthespian facsimiles of famous historical or fictional lawyers,
including Clarence Darrow, Perry Mason and Oliver Wendell Holmes. "Our
graphics and artificial intelligence groups have been working on this
fantastic technology nonstop since their successful release of Microsoft
Bob," said Snej Lefka, Director of Virtual Legal Technology.
In particular, earlier legal technologies, such as "ShudderIntoSilence"
(the practice of frivolously suing the opposition until fiscally
destitute), and "TrueForYou" (which allowed key Microsoft executives to
redefine words or bend the limits of credible truth), have been
downplayed in this new version, to allow for more public focus on the new
"VirtuallyLegal" technology.
"We still feel the tech has its place in our legal arsenal, er,
reperetoire, but one doesn't want to use atom bomb tech to smash a flea,
er, so to speak, not that we view the US Government as a flea, of course,
heh heh...." Lefka went on to firmly deny rumors that overuse caused Bill
Gates' potbelly to grow, and his hair to turn red, lending him a
resemblance to the deceased cheesy pulp science fiction author and
Unquestioned Messiah, Big Thetan, and Head Ethics Officer of the
Corporation of Scienotology, Elron Hubard.
Microsoft acquired rights to the tech in a merger with Scienotology in
1995. Although both companies still claim that the merger of religion and
computers is continuing to bear fruit, industry observers have noted that
the friction between Scieno's Hubard and Microsoft's Gates, both vying
for total domination of the planet, have prevented any real cooperation
between the companies.
Commenting on the merger, Gates said, "We've found it's a natural to
merge religion and computers, since surreptitious voice recognition
monitoring of Windows users showed that the most common phrase spoken to
a PC was, 'Oh My God, please don't let it crash again!' ... And with the
fact that Mac OS already appears to have a built-in religion, Steveology,
I felt it was important for Microsoft to maintain ideological parody with
our competitors."
Hubard, on the other hand, was silent on the merger, since he has been
officially deceased since 1981. Scienotology spokeslawyers have once
again turned to a speech originally given in 1967 as Elron's position on
the merger, but since that speech is about a 75 million year old plot by
space aliens to destroy the Earth, the press has remained mystified as to
its connection with Microsoft. (Complete text of the speech can be found
at <http://www.xenu.net>)
** Availability and Installation **
Microsoft Antitrust Defense 2.0 is available immediately as a free
download from Microsoft's website, at <http://www.microsoft.com>. It installs
easily into the recipient's wetware and automatically updates crucial
Registry keys without noticeable discomfort. All memories of the earlier
Federal antitrust trial are deleted and replaced by new, improved
memories, including the unprecedented new features described above.
Microsoft recommends that all viewers of and participants in the earlier
trial upgrade to the new release.