Misc Humor

#1 · October 22, 1999, 6:27 am

Posted by: clean-hewmor <clean-hewmor@...>

The truck driver is being interviewed by an assessor regarding his
worker's compensation claim for illness caused by hazardous work conditions.
"I see you work with radioactive materials and wish to claim compensation."
Trucker, "Yeah, I feel really sick all the time."
Assessor, "What safety measures does your employer use?"
Trucker, "Well, I have a lead suit to wear on the job, the truck cabin is
lead lined, and all the waste is kept in lead containers."
Assessor, "Then how can you possibly be filing a claim against your
employer for radiation poisoning when everything is protected by lead?"
Trucker, "I'm not. I'm filing a claim for lead poisoning."

> ~ <

Well, did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget.

Did you hear about the constipated composer?
He couldn't finish the last movement.

Did you hear about the constipated Wheel of Fortune player?
He wanted to buy a bowel.

>^,,^^,,^^,,^<

1. My Memory is gone
---------------------------------------------------
An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office,running his
hands through his hair, almost in tears.

"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't
remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't
remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."

"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"

"Like what?"
***************************************************************

An old man met an old lady, and they fell in love. One day, the old man
gathered up all his courage and asked the old lady to marry him. She said "YES."

When the old man got home, he remembered asking the old lady to marry him, but
he couldn't remember whether she had said "YES" or "NO."

Rather embarrassed that he had forgotten, he never mentioned marriage to her
again.

After a few weeks, it bothered the old man so much that he gathered up enough
courage to ask the old lady what was the answer she gave when he asked her to
marry him.

The old lady shouted with glee and said, "I'm so glad you asked! Some man asked
me to marry him a few weeks ago, and I said "YES," but I couldn't remember who
it was that asked me!"

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful
office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into
the outer office.

Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to
pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant
commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"
********************************************************************************

Tips on Home Protection:

The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by
putting a few signs in well-placed locations.

Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for
Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours.
The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of
your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for,
"The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?

Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...

Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have
eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where
all of the rats are!

To whom it may concern: some of the items in this house have been engraved with
Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when
touched. Good luck...