Oct. 2011 Ruby's Legacy (Extra Edition)
Posted by: jhbreneman <jhbreneman@...>
Dear Heart to Heart ladies,
Below is a letter from Ruby's grandmother, asking that no one reproduce "Ruby's Legacy" in any form, electronically, photocopying, etc. For this reason, this story will not be added to the Heart to Heart blog.
Thank you for honoring Linda's request, and please continue to pray for Ruby's family.
Thanks so much,
Lois
My memories of Ruby and the lessons I learned from her are precious treasures that I choose to share with those who prayed for us. May each prayer warrior be blessed to catch a glimpse of God's gracious answers to their prayers.
RUBY'S LEGACY
by Linda Bahn - September, 2011 - Written for Heart to Heart
My husband and I were ecstatic when our daughter told us that she was expecting our second grandchild. A few months later our joy turned to concern when we learned that the baby she was carrying would be born with a heart defect. The doctors did not know how severe the problem would be until after the delivery. But there was one thing I knew, I knew I was in for a roller coaster ride of emotions as we waited for our grandchild to be born. Based on how I handled previous problems, I recognized that I would be faced with the temptation to doubt God's goodness and to become bitter at His sovereignty if I did not like His plan. That was my track record.
That pattern of sin came to a head thirty-six years ago when our first daughter died suddenly at the age of two and a half years. Initially after Chrissy's death I was overwhelmed with God's grace. He flooded my mind with the promises of His Word, and His peace truly was beyond comprehension. At times God's comfort was so tangible that I actually felt guilty for not feeling worse. But as time went by and the pain and emptiness continued unabated, my fist began to clench.
I vividly remember the day I stood looking out the dinning room window and angrily told God, “I don't want Your grace! I want my daughter!” For the next six months my life spiraled out of control as my heart, attitude, and words became hardened with bitterness. When I was finally crushed with despair, I turned to my pastor. He listened patiently to my lament and shared some scripture. I remember he said that God wanted to bring something good out of Chrissy's death and that the real tragedy was not that my daughter died, but rather the tragedy would be if I was unchanged by her death. As I was about to leave his office, he hit me with the zinger. He told me that I needed to thank God by faith for taking Chrissy Home when He did. The counsel was wise, but everything in me screamed, “NO! I will never thank God for taking my baby.”
I wrestled with God while enduring the agony of empty arms, an empty heart, and a spirit devoid of my Savior's comfort. Oh how I missed the times of sweet fellowship we had shared when I was in His Word and trusting in His love. But God never gave up on me. In His mercy He continued to patiently and gently woo my heart to His, until I finally bowed my knee to His sovereignty. With open hands I prayed, “Father, the mother's heart in me still wants my daughter. I don't understand why you healed Jairus' daughter, (Luke 8:41-56) but you didn't heal mine. But when I stand before you one day, if you tell me why, I know I will thank you. By faith I choose to thank you now for taking Chrissy Home when you did.”
God's quiet peace trickled into my newly humbled heart. The loneliness continued. The emptiness was still there. But Jesus was restored to His rightful place in my life, and He began to heal the gaping wounds of my torn heart. He was giving me beauty for ashes. I came away from Chrissy's Homegoing with the confidence that if God could get me through that, He could get me through anything. My trust was growing.
Yet in subsequent trials my faith in God's goodness continued to waver whenever problems continued for an extended time. The pattern was always the same. Initially I would claim the promises of God for His grace to deal with the situation, but then I would grow rebellious as the challenge was unrelenting and the weeks turned to months and sometimes to years. My anger and bitterness would lead to the valley of despair as I lived by my emotions, rather than by the truth of God's Word. With each trial the Lord would teach me more about His faithfulness and goodness. My faith would grow by increments. It would take longer for it to falter, and the times of bitterness would be repented of more quickly. Always God's grace was superabundant when I stood open handed before Him, willing to accept whatever He allowed into my life. It was when my heart would harden and my fist would clench that I robbed myself of His comfort and peace.
There were other times when God did deliver me from desperate situations. My husband faced surgery for a brain tumor, then had a massive pulmonary embolism, and later open heart surgery. Our youngest son was in a coma for three days after a fall from a porch roof onto a sidewalk. In each of these instances God delivered my loved ones from the hand of death and restored them to good health. These quick answers to our prayers for healing left me wide-eyed with wonder at God's power, goodness, and mercy.
This is where I found myself the day our daughter told us that our new grandchild would be born with a heart defect. Two of the specific prayers I had at that time were for healing. One was that the Lord would be pleased to heal the baby's heart. The other prayer was that God would heal my doubting heart. I had no clue whether this would be a wide-eyed wonder display of God's mercy, or whether it would become another unrelenting trial. But I knew for sure that I wanted this to be a turning point. I wanted to grow up into a steadfast trust in my Savior's love and goodness. I did not want one ounce of the coming pain or one anticipated tear to be wasted. I was tired of going through the same valley of despair, rebellion, and bitterness, and around the same mountain of doubt. I wanted to conquer it. I wanted to be done with the ups and downs of doubt. I passionately cried out to God with the same prayer that was on Joshua's lips, “Give me this mountain.”
Little did I know just how steep that mountain would be. When the day finally came for the delivery, our baby granddaughter was named Ruby. Oh, what a beautiful name for our precious little gem. We knew at once that God's answer to our prayers for her healing was, “No. Not yet.” Her heart condition was so severe that she would require a heart transplant, if she were to have even a chance to survive. Family and friends and friends of friends prayed. Those prayers became our life line. There was great comfort in knowing that so many people were lifting Ruby before the throne of God and interceding on her behalf. After three months of waiting a heart became available. There were more emotional roller coaster rides in the days ahead. Hours of tension as we waited through Ruby's surgery. Boulders along the road to her recovery. Days of hope. Days of setbacks. What a happy day when she was able to come home.
The statistics for heart transplant babies are rather grim. At best their new heart might last for eight to ten years and then they need to be listed for another transplant. But Ruby was not a statistic. She was my grandchild. I hoped that she would be the exception, that she would thrive with her new heart and perhaps even grow old. At the very least I pictured her entering her early twenties before problems might start to occur. I prayed to that end and waited for God's will to unfold. But this time I trusted in His goodness, knowing that His plan might be different than my heart's desire. Each day He filled my open hands with His peace in the midst of the pain. Again we were blessed to have friends who joined our family in praying for Ruby. Her heart needs touched the hearts of people we did not even know, but who heard about her and helped carry our burdens to the very throne of God.
My heart is awe filled at God's gracious mercy in answering my heart cries for His strength and comfort throughout our journey with Ruby. Everyday He helped me to grow in steadfast trust toward Him. As I consider the steps of that growth I am reminded of my prayers along the way. Yes, I prayed for heart healing, Ruby's and mine. But I also remembered to pray scripture. I thanked God that He formed Ruby in her mother's womb, and she was wonderfully made, that He knew all of her perfections and formed all of her parts. Her toes. Her eyes. Her hands. Her heart. Yes, even her heart. I thanked God that He knew the number of her days and that nothing took Him by surprise. I thanked Jesus that He loved our Ruby so much that He could not take her off His mind. (Psalm 139:11-18) The psalmist's song became mine, and God brought peace to my heart.
Along our road with Ruby, another scripture became the model for my prayers. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” (Philippians 4:6, NIV) Whenever anxiety would begin to fill my mind, I would take those thoughts to God in prayer, offering my requests on Ruby's behalf. Then I would look for one specific thing that He had done for her or her family in the midst of the challenge. That became my prayer of thanksgiving. I did not always succeed in keeping complaints out of my conversations with others, but it was my goal. As my prayers of praise to God grew, so did my faith in His goodness. As my complaints diminished, so did my fear and doubts.
God gave Ruby to us for three and a half years. Each single day of that too, too, brief a time, was a day we cherished. As much as possible, we wanted her days to be happy and normal. And they were. Ruby's life was full and rich. Full of fun and laughter. Rich with family and most of all love. We knew she would not always be with us, so we purposed to store up memories to last our lifetime. Those treasured memories are saved as photos and videos. Some in albums and CD's, shoe boxes and computers. Others are snapshots in our mind and videos in our memory. These memories were hoarded throughout her lifetime, and they will be jealously guarded until we see her again. Besides happiness, Ruby knew suffering. Those memories are stored away, also, but are too painful to gaze upon. Too fresh. My painful memories are kept in the closet of my mind. The box is marked, “Lessons I have Learned.”
God has used my journey with Ruby to teach me priceless lessons. Lessons I do not want to forget. Lessons for which I prayed. The lessons are sweet, but the pictures are sorrowful. I try not to lift the lid of the box and peek inside, but like a jack-in-the-box, a picture sometimes jumps out. I catch a quick glimpse of her suffering. I want to turn away, but I cannot. The snapshot is blurred by tears, hers and ours. Along the edges I catch a glimpse of bitter medicine, lab tests and treatments. In the center of the picture is Ruby. Glaringly absent to my eyes is any shadow of anger or defiance. Tears, yes. But no rebellion. I cannot turn away now. I look again, and there on her face is a sweet trust in the loving care of her parents.
This is Ruby's legacy to me. Her sweet submission to her parents, even when she did not understand the reasons for her pain. Her tender trust and outstretched hand as she clung to them for comfort. God has used this picture to bring healing to my broken wing and to cause me to soar above the valley of despairing bitterness and over the mountain of doubt. He has given to me an unshakable trust in my loving Heavenly Father. Even when all I can pray is, “Jesus,” He is there to pour into my soul the strength that I need. Whatever His sovereign will allows into my life, by faith I will hold onto the nail pierced hand of my Savior and remember His goodness and loving kindness, even when life hurts. As I reach out my open hand to Him, His mighty right hand is always faithful to fill me with His quiet rest. These truths are now woven into the fabric of my heart, the new heart God has given to me. Thank you, God. Thank you, Ruby.
The morning Ruby went to her new eternal Home, I was reading Isaiah chapter twenty-six and my eyes fell on verses three and four. There it was. The very thing that happened to me these past four years. “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal.” This was God's seal on my new heart assuring me that never again would I stagger in the valley of rebellious bitterness or circle endlessly around the mountain of doubt. These verses are the flag of victory God planted firmly on my conquered mountain top.
My heart is still crushed. The edges are still ragged, but the wounds will not fester with bitterness this time, because God has taught me to stand with a bowed head and open hands, to receive the oil of healing from His loving hands. I long for our little Ruby. The hole in my heart will always be there for her, just as it is for Chrissy. But God has seared into my heart the assurance that He will not give me more than I can bear, without also giving me His grace with which to bear it. (I Corinthians 10:13), if I stand with a humble heart and open hands. Tears still come too easily, unbidden, and at odd times. But my tears are not for Ruby. They are for myself, my loneliness, my empty arms, the broken dreams, and her hurting family she left behind. They are never for Ruby. One day laughter will again overflow from my heart. Until then I rest in the joy of knowing that Jesus is my Savior, the Lover of my Soul, and the Great Physician who will comfort and one day heal my broken heart, just as He healed my doubting heart.
God did answer my prayer for Ruby's heart. Not the way I wanted. Not when I wanted. But He answered my prayer in His way and in His time. His way is perfect. It is good. It is loving. And it is eternal. No more pain or suffering for little Ruby. Now she has begun to explore the glories of her new heavenly Home. One glorious day I will be with my little ones again. Until then, I pray with open hands, “Thank you, Jesus for each day you gave us with our little Ruby. Thank you for being gentle with her. Thank you for giving her a new heart and a strong body. Thank you that she can run and play with all the children in her eternal Home. Thank you that I will see her again. And thank you that there is no medicine in Heaven.”
A smile always brightens my face when I think of what she might be doing in her new Home. I picture Heaven filled with the shining light of the Son and all the children clothed in white, all except Ruby. She is wearing her favorite color. She has on a girly-girl ruby red dress. She is swinging. Her hair and her dress flutter in the breeze as her sparkly ruby red slippers reach for the sky. Always her mouth is split wide open as the sound of her belly laughter fills the celestial air. Perhaps Jesus laughs with joy at our Ruby, His precious gem and shining star, who now calls Heaven her home.
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I pray each of you found something to bless, encourage and teach you in this edition!
Please remember to pray for each dear Heart to Heart lady and her family,
because so many ladies are going through very tough times and need our prayers!
Some have lost loved ones, others have lost jobs, homes, or their good health.
Pray each day for the protection of our troops, and for their families left at home!
God bless you and your family and keep you in His loving care!
Your Heart to Heart friend
Lois
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